An Open Letter To That Tree Over There

You have got to be kidding me?

It’s August 14 and you’re turning brown? Seriously! I think you have an attitude problem, mister, because everyone around you is still green. Sure, some of your fellow trees are producing mature seeds that are about ready to drop, but no one said you can go brown. Ok? Now stop it right now.

What’s your problem anyway? Did I say something wrong? Did I hurt your little tree feelings? Look buddy, this is how it is: you’re a tree. You give shade. And you do not turn brown in August. What is it? Is it about money? You want more money. I knew it. I’d expect this kind of greed from the squirrels that live in your hollows, but from you, no. This is highly out of character from someone whose job is to just sit and grow. And you don’t even have to commute to work!

What brought this on? I thought we had an agreement: You grow, I look at you once in awhile. I suggest you review your job description, or are you still upset about the paper bleaching incident? Life goes on, so deal with it.

So what is it? Angst? You got angst? You’re a tree, dammit! Stop trying to be an individual. I’m really starting to think you’re just doing this for attention.

So enough with the brown. It really isn’t your colour.

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