Entertainment

Surviving Bad Television, Writer’s Block and Nicotine Withdrawal: A True Story

After 2 smoke-free weeks, I was feeling sluggish, slow and not very creative.  I couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything.  I had lost my edge.  Nothing has been irritating me since I quit smoking.  It’s not like I was suddenly nice,  I just wasn’t being my naturally sarcastic, bitchy self.  Actually, it’s like I just couldn’t seem to find anything worth caring about one way or another.  I was blah.  So, a couple of nights ago, I forced myself to write something.  I came up with a title, “Give Me a Freakin’ Smoke Before I Kill You, You Sadistic $%&!ing $%&!wad”, and of course the actual blog looked like this:

I got nothing.  Nothing. Blah blah blah. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada.  Yada. Yada. Yada.  Hmmmmm…what’s that thing on my toe…?  Oh, just a piece of fluff.  Fluff. Stuff. ‘Nuff. Mmmmmmmmmmm….la la la….

You get the picture.  It was ugly.  As luck would have it, I put down the laptop and picked up the remote and somehow stumbled onto a show called “Surviving Disaster“.  It is hosted by Cade Courtley, Navy SEAL.  I start thinking that it could be very educational, life-saving even, for me to watch such a program (one never knows when one may be stuck in the middle of a forest fire, or a tornado!) seeing as I am a city girl and would never have had these skills and knowledge passed down to me by generations of pioneer ancestors.  I immediately put aside my concerns about my writer’s block and decided I MUST know how to survive a natural disaster!  (At least, thanks to “World War Z“, I already know how to survive a Zombie apocolypse, but I digress…) 

Turns out, this episode was about how to handle yourself if your plane is taken over by terrorists.  Specifically, 4 terrorists.  Armed with plastic knives.  Ok, so this wouldn’t be a complete case of terra incognito.  No, I do not know any terrorists!  I  mean that I have been on a plane before. 

Now here’s the thing.  About 15 minutes in, I realise that the creators of this particular episode may not have totally thought out the consequences of airing this type of information on NATIONAL television!!  Before pointing out the obvious flaws in sharing certain pieces of information, let me first share the disclaimer run at the beginning of the show, as well as when returning from commercial breaks:

This is a highly realistic simulation of a worst case scenario disaster.  All information is based on extensive research and should be used only under these life-threatening circumstances and at your own risk.

 That definitely absolves them of any potential responsibility when some whackjob takes out a fellow “suspicious” passenger.  And, I hate the term worst-case scenario.  It SO demonstrates a lack of imagination.  Think of the worst thing you can imagine.  There is always something worse than that.  Really.  If the worst thing you can imagine is losing a limb, then what about losing two limbs?  Or how about adding the phrase “and then I saw my parents having sex!!” to whatever horror you can imagine.  See, your worst case scenario just got worse.  

But back to the potential backlash of this episode.  Let me explain.  The first major step in this simulation is to form a small team, 4 to 6 people, and organize your plan of attack.  No problem.  What next?  And this is where I see the future “misinterpretations”.  The next major step is the actual attack.  The show explains in great detail how you can turn everyday objects into weapons with which to subdue your foes.  You know, using that great hard cover edition of  “War and Peace – The Extended Version” or your brand new, shiny iMac laptop to bash in the evildoer’s head in.  Got your car keys handy?  Great, hold them in your hand with the metal sticking out between your knuckles and stab out their eyes, or puncture their throat.  They particularly emphasized that a chop to the throat immediately results in air loss and ensuing panic, leaving your victim, I mean nasty-ass terrorist-pig adversary, wide open to as many elbows-to-the-face and kicks-to-the-kidneys-ribs-and-groin area as you please.  The best, the absolute, hands-down, all-out winning piece of info provided has to be – once all those foreign zealots in the cabin have been subdued – getting the last baddie in the cockpit.  They actually show you how to break down the SECURITY door to the cockpit.  Am I the only one who sees this as a detail we don’t want the general public to know???  It is a SECURITY door.  Rather than provide graphic instructions complete with visuals to everybody with access to cable television, why not spend the money used to film this episode on developing a door that is SECURE?????!!!!!  Four morons and a drink cart can take down the state-of-the-art, Kevlar-coated piece of metal protecting the pilot.  WTF?????

Well, if nothing else, the morons have given me a glimmer of hope.  There is still enough stupidity in the world to combat the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

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