I’ve Seen The Future…


blue crystal ball hands

On this last day of 2009, I decided to break out my crystal ball and see what’s to come.   Before I begin, I offer the following caveat:  the predictions listed below may or may not actually occur.  I cannot be held responsible for the ones that don’t, and especially for the ones that do.   And so, here are my predictions for 2010:

  • Fox develops a new reality show called American Idle.  Basically, a bunch of unemployed, uneducated, unwilling baby-daddies sit around, drink beer, cuss and flip through the channels, all while yelling “Ma, make me a samitch!!”.  Bonus points are awarded every time they knock someone up and for each time 2 (or more) of their teenage girlfriends show up at the same time and a catfight ensues.  Guest judges will include Jerry Springer and Maury Povitch.
  • Keith Richards dies.  Nobody notices.   He goes on tour.
  • It is discovered that Miley Cyrus actually has multiple personality disorder when her newest “alter egos” Lucky Kentucky, Suzanna Louisiana, Elaine Maine and Myrtle Bitch start making appearances at her concerts.
  • The CSI folks do a movie.  Their first big screen case will be determining Keith Richards’ time of death.   Based on the evidence, there will be a sequel.
  • Osama Bin Laden is finally caught when CIA agents finally recognize the cave background from his Facebook pictures.
  • With the overwhelming success of American Idle, Fox decides to revamp another popular reality show and launches So You Think You Can Be A Crack-Ho
  • On Two And A Half Men, Charlie Sheen finally marries Chelsea but then pulls a knife on her in a drunken rage and spends Christmas in jail.  Ex-fiancé Mia spews to the tabloids…oh no, wait…
  • Weapons of mass distraction are discovered in Liechtenstein.  George Jr. stuns the world by invading the country by himself and wins the war.  He decides to rename the country after his imaginary friend Francis.  The country is henceforth known as Frankenstein.
  • The Jay Leno Show is cancelled.  Nobody notices.
  • WWFC grows in popularity, revenues increase exponentially, investments in the cheese industry pay off, bloggers Nicky and Mike take over the world.  There is, however, a falling out with guest blogger Jepeto over the creation of a National Hocking League.  Jepeto, undaunted, starts the league alone and enjoys moderate success until a hocking puck smashes through sub-standard glass and directly into Jepeto’s head.

Happy New Year everyone!!

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