Eat Worms To Lose Weight

gummy wormsA few months back, not long after we started WWFC, co-blogger Mike told me about this awesome free tool by the Advanced Marketing Institute called the Emotional Marketing Value Headline Analyzer.  Basically, you type in your headline, it tells you how appealing it is.  I used it regularly.

While typing in the headline for my last post, I suddenly thought “Does this thing really work?”   Then I started wondering if “real” writers used something like this.

So, I decided research was in order.  To The New York Times!  To the Globe & Mail!  I typed in a front page headline from the Times:

Under Fire, Paterson Quits Governor’s Race

I got back a score of 0.00%.  WTF?!  I did it again.  Same results.  The front page, dead center headline of The New York Times scored 0.

The website tells you, and I quote, “most professional copywriters’ headlines will have 30 – 40% EMV” (emotional marketing value) and “the most gifted copywriters will have 50 – 75% EMV”.  They also explain the types of appeal your headline can have and who you should be targeting:

  • Intellectual – people involved in education, law, medicine, research, politics (as if!).
  • Empathetic –   people involved in care-giving, doctors, nurses, counselors, mothers.
  • Spiritual – people like the clergy (duh!), new agers, health nuts, women, children.  This appeal comes with the following note:…can make for the most powerful presentations in the marketplace, but must be used with considerable skill.

I decided to try another from The Times:

Vows to Complete Term, Denying Misconduct – score 50%, intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Now that’s more like it!

From The Globe & Mail:

Aging Populace Puts a Dent in Ottawa’s Bottom Line – score 33.33%, empathetic appeal.  Not bad at all.

Huge Quake Hits Chile; Tsunami Threatens Pacific – score 71.43%, intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Give that guy a raise!

Then, of course, I just got silly.  I played with the impressive Globe headline and came up with this:

Hugs Quake Chilly; Tsunami Threatens Pacifist – score 66.67%, intellectual appeal.  Ha, give me a raise!  Or just some cheese.

Then I got utterly ridiculous.

Aliens Demystify Headline Analyzer scored 50.00% with an intellectual appeal.  Now I understand all the trashy magazines in my doctor’s waiting room.

Marketing Is Really Fun and Neurosurgery Is Really Fun both scored 50.00%, but Neurosurgery only has an intellectual appeal, while Marketing  has both intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Um….

Eat Worms To Lose Weight scored an amazing 60% with an even more amazing spiritual appeal.  Baffling.

You Cannot Make This Shit Up – scored 33.33%, with empathetic and spiritual appeal.  Not bad, but disappointing after hitting 60%.  And it’s not exactly original.

AHA!  I had it, the perfect phrase – it wasn’t nonsensical AND it’s an original!  My pièce de résistance, a little insult I coined ages ago.  An insult I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could NOT use on WWFC by co-blogger Mike.  One that he then went and used.

You Suck Monster Moose Cocks– score 80%, appeal is empathetic and spiritual.  Proves the whole “considerable skill” caveat, doesn’t it?

Well, now we know.  I rate as a “more-than-gifted” copywriter.  It really works.

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