Entertainment

Eat Worms To Lose Weight

gummy wormsA few months back, not long after we started WWFC, co-blogger Mike told me about this awesome free tool by the Advanced Marketing Institute called the Emotional Marketing Value Headline Analyzer.  Basically, you type in your headline, it tells you how appealing it is.  I used it regularly.

While typing in the headline for my last post, I suddenly thought “Does this thing really work?”   Then I started wondering if “real” writers used something like this.

So, I decided research was in order.  To The New York Times!  To the Globe & Mail!  I typed in a front page headline from the Times:

Under Fire, Paterson Quits Governor’s Race

I got back a score of 0.00%.  WTF?!  I did it again.  Same results.  The front page, dead center headline of The New York Times scored 0.

The website tells you, and I quote, “most professional copywriters’ headlines will have 30 – 40% EMV” (emotional marketing value) and “the most gifted copywriters will have 50 – 75% EMV”.  They also explain the types of appeal your headline can have and who you should be targeting:

  • Intellectual – people involved in education, law, medicine, research, politics (as if!).
  • Empathetic –   people involved in care-giving, doctors, nurses, counselors, mothers.
  • Spiritual – people like the clergy (duh!), new agers, health nuts, women, children.  This appeal comes with the following note:…can make for the most powerful presentations in the marketplace, but must be used with considerable skill.

I decided to try another from The Times:

Vows to Complete Term, Denying Misconduct – score 50%, intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Now that’s more like it!

From The Globe & Mail:

Aging Populace Puts a Dent in Ottawa’s Bottom Line – score 33.33%, empathetic appeal.  Not bad at all.

Huge Quake Hits Chile; Tsunami Threatens Pacific – score 71.43%, intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Give that guy a raise!

Then, of course, I just got silly.  I played with the impressive Globe headline and came up with this:

Hugs Quake Chilly; Tsunami Threatens Pacifist – score 66.67%, intellectual appeal.  Ha, give me a raise!  Or just some cheese.

Then I got utterly ridiculous.

Aliens Demystify Headline Analyzer scored 50.00% with an intellectual appeal.  Now I understand all the trashy magazines in my doctor’s waiting room.

Marketing Is Really Fun and Neurosurgery Is Really Fun both scored 50.00%, but Neurosurgery only has an intellectual appeal, while Marketing  has both intellectual and empathetic appeal.  Um….

Eat Worms To Lose Weight scored an amazing 60% with an even more amazing spiritual appeal.  Baffling.

You Cannot Make This Shit Up – scored 33.33%, with empathetic and spiritual appeal.  Not bad, but disappointing after hitting 60%.  And it’s not exactly original.

AHA!  I had it, the perfect phrase – it wasn’t nonsensical AND it’s an original!  My pièce de résistance, a little insult I coined ages ago.  An insult I was told, in no uncertain terms, I could NOT use on WWFC by co-blogger Mike.  One that he then went and used.

You Suck Monster Moose Cocks– score 80%, appeal is empathetic and spiritual.  Proves the whole “considerable skill” caveat, doesn’t it?

Well, now we know.  I rate as a “more-than-gifted” copywriter.  It really works.

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  • LMAO. Any diet that encourages eating gummy worms can’t be all that bad 🙂
    .-= Man Over Board´s last blog ..A Twofer For Guys Shakiras Newest & Swimsuit Model Contest Miss Mission Beach =-.

  • Jen

    That is too funny, and makes me want to make outrageous claims in my headlines. Who cares about integrity right?
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Day 1 Without Carbohydrates, Let the Wagers Begin =-.

  • MOB – You can lose 11 in a week, as long as you eat nothing but gummy worms….you can also develop scurvy and/or anemia and possibly even a brain aneurism, but that’s ok because neurosurgery is fun 😉

    Jen – To quote the late, great Larry Hagman “Once you get rid of integrity, the rest is a piece of cake“…or gummy worm! 🙂

  • Um, so I guess if I make up some Crazy Headlines I will get a higher score?

    “You Suck Monster Moose Cocks-” is friggen hilarious!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently – My Week In Review [Part Four] =-.

  • Hey Meleah! Thanks for stopping by. It all depends on what you put in there. “Bite my rancid ass” came back with a score of 0. Glad you like my moose insult, I’ve got others but it is my favourite 🙂

  • Even male wildlife exaggerate their size?

  • Sorry Vange, that only scored 16.67% – but it did make me laugh 🙂

  • Awesome and too funny. We did a blog a few weeks as a joke only because Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake are the main reasons why people visit our site. All because 1 freaking blog mentioned them (We love JT in a nongay way).
    So we combine the most popular phrases from google into our headline…all for the love of hits.

    Sweet site BTW!

  • Thanks Waltsense! Glad you enjoyed. I know exactly what you mean…we still get hits from Mafia Wars searches and it’s only in 2 posts – and they’re OLD! I’m not complaining either…I admit it, I am a “hit-whore”! 🙂

  • The tool must combine several keywords to judge the headlines. It could work to a limited extent, but it’s no substitute for good experience. It’s most likely your creativity and sense of humor that enabled you to figure out the tool.
    .-= Ratty´s last blog ..Sparrows =-.

  • C’mon Ratty! Don’t give me a logical explanation…I’m happy thinking I’m a genius! 🙂

  • My friend Terry used the phrase “Holy Fucking Monkey Balls” and I fell out of my chair laughing. But I guess as a headline it might be a stretch!

  • I saw Terry’s phrase, and the award….nearly peed myself! She scores a 50% with that one, and appeals to us intellectuals 🙂

  • Very interesting. I wouldn’t even want to see how my headlines or titles or whatever you want to call them, would rate.

    On a side note, I love the sh$t out of them gummy worms. Especially the ones that are sour. It would be great if I could actually lose weight eating them.
    .-= Mee2´s last blog ..Saturday 9 =-.

  • You never know, you may be pleasantly surprised by the results! And as I told MOB, if you eat NOTHING but gummy worms, you can lose weight. I can’t be held responsible for the ensuing diabetes, though. 🙂
    Thanks for visiting us Mee2!

  • So now that you sent me over here, I of course had to try that thing out. Turns out my recent “See You in EEST!” scored a very respectable 50%, while my headline “The One With the Fartin Fish” oddly scored 0.00%. “We Might Be Illiterate But At Least We’re Stupid”, scored 55.56% on purely intellectual grounds. I firmly believe that every single one of my headlines should score at least 80%, so this leads me to believe that the entire thing lacks credibility and mostly just sucks monster moose cocks.

    Now, how exactly does that thing with the worms work?
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..See You In EEST! =-.

  • Mikewj

    And, finally, at long last, I understand the frequent use of the phrase, “Monster Moose Cocks.” The veil has been lifted on the secret behind the success that is We Work for Cheese.

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