1) My girlfriend is starting to move a little when we have sex…I even heard a little “humph” I think. You know what that means? Yeah baby, it means it’s almost spring!!!! Fuck that pawtuckett racoon or critter or whatever it is who predicts the weather!
2) Another sign that spring is coming: I had sex without socks. Sweeeet. Oh also my cat is fucking crazy all over the place.
3) Final sign that spring is ahead: I am actually having sex.
4) Remember the “sucking yo own cock”discussion? (how can you forget?). Anyway we were still laughing about it at work and then…you know there is ALWAYS somebody who doesn’t know when to shut up…anyway that guy says: “Yeah now we have to figure out the best way to finger our own ass!”. Total silence. I am pretty sure I saw a tumbleweed rolling by. The minute of silence was broken by a “hey how about the game last nite, eh?”. Moral: know THE limits. Not YOUR limits, cause if you are fingering your asshole god only knows what your limits are. Brrrrrrr….
5) Had a staff meeting last week. First part was a presentation and course on how to paraphrase properly. I first interrupted the presentation: “ So if I understand you correctly we need to use phrases like so if I understand you correctly to properly paraphrase, right?”. Man that was the spark. Colleague: “so if I rephrase what Jepeto is trying to tell us is that if he understood you correctly we have to use phrases like so if I rephrase what you said or if I understand you correctly, or even in other words or from what I am understanding of what you are telling me about? …right?”. We interrupted the poor guy every minute or so. I think he lost 10 pounds just by sweating, but fuck it he deserved it, the prick! Teaching us about paraphrasing…asswipe.
6) I love team meetings! Second part with the boss…blahblahblah work ethics blahblah…absenteeism is on the rise…gotta check it case by case…and then a wise guy says what if I got Ebola…yep you guessed it, that was the spark. Talked 30 minutes about what disease is acceptable. Love my colleagues. The boss is cool though, no sweat.
7) I had a flashback of the first sentence we had to learn in english (I am french). My taylor is rich. We had to repeat it thousand of times. What the fuck does it mean? (even today they are teaching it in France).
8) If you are wondering why I fucking swear all the time, it’s Al Pacino and Robert de Niro’s faults, not Madame Connasse’s with her MY TAYLOR IS RICH.
9) My girlfriend writes my initials on my underwear.
10) My mom used to write my initials on my underwear.
11) I AM NO LONGER WEARING UNDERWEAR
12) Would you trust your financial advisor if her name was Tatiana Bitchakova? It’s a tough call. I mean she can be a mean bitch who takes advantage of poor people so you can have your wonderful 10% and more annual growth. Or she can just be a crazy bitch who’s gonna ruin you. No middle ground. Advice: CHANGE YOUR NAME WOMAN! Fucking retard. I don’t get these people. No business with me. No no.
13) I forgot to mention that we added a condition to our SYOC ( sucking yo own cock) palaver: to succeed you must also have at least a normal size penis. Damn you genetics, dammmmn you!
14) My loving half always cheers me up. She tells me I am the biggest prick she ever met. Thanks baby.
15) I almost forgot! I have to write a disclaimer thingy cause I mentioned some names. My sister is a lawyer. Alright:
Hey it makes me think of Debaser, by The Pixies. Love that song. If you are a parent, you understand that at least once a week, you need to be alone in the house and crank up the volume to the max with a powerful song and go nuts naked. Debaser is one of mine. Hell, let’s listen to it…FULL VOLUME! GET NAKED! Disclaimer can wait…
Holy shit that feels good. OK now the disclaimer.
This is my post. I can write whatever I like in it. If you think there is a chance that you recognize yourself in it, it is not my fault. Some events are fictional and all of them really happened. I can give you diarrhea if I like because I am the one writing and you are part of my universe. If you are angry because of it, well you are an asshole and go fuck yourself. If your name is Tatiana Bitchakova and you are an actual financial advisor and you haven’t changed your name already, you are an asshole. If you want to sue me, you really are an asshole. If you are a member of The Pixies and want to sue me because I am promoting your genius for free, you are a big, big asshole. If you are my girlfriend, your asshole is me. Well I think that covers everything. Ciao ciao now.