Guest Bloggers

And Like Genital Warts….He’s Back!

snailMy girlfriend (hehe, love you baby) asked me why I numbered each entry in my last post “15 random thoughts”. I like Elliotte Friedman’s blog on hockey, he’s got 30 random thoughts. Anyway, my sweet love says that it looks stooopid to write in the numbers. Alright, no more numbers.

Fifteen Random Thoughts

One) My colleague at work loves Sudoku. He takes the daily newspaper in the metro and cuts out the Sudoku, solves it and puts it in a neat pile. Every time he goes to the bathroom or leaves his desk I draw a little penis in one of the squares.

Two) At least once a day when he is on the phone with a client I gently yell next to his face: “Sloooow down my beeeeeeating heart!” (U-two song – see, no numbers).

Three) Sometimes I look at him seriously and say: “You know what’s the word?” and then burst into YAYAYAYA…THE BIRD THE BIRD, THE BIRD IS THE WORD THA THA THA BIRD BIRD BIRD, THA BIRD IS THA WORD! For at least 5 minutes.

Four) I still have a job. Need to go crazy during work because it involves dealing with crazy people and getting shit all the time. Nope, I do not work in a sanitarium. Almost.

Five) Nostradamus Effect last week: The number SEVEN. Wow, shit, suck my left nut. “The Angels’ trumpets are a symbol meaning an Asteroid colliding with Earth”. Please end the series now. Or end the world before the series does.

Sex) Sweet. No socks again! Finally caught an orgasm! Delicious with fries and red wine.

Seven) Seven deadly sins, seven seals to be broken, seven days in a week,  seven planets aligned, seven…WHO THE FUCK CARES!

Ate) Cheese lovers should try OKA cheese before dying. Put it on your bucket list. Simply the best! Made by real monks.

Nine) My son is amazing. He learned the word Escargot. Well he says gnagnago even if he knows the real word. He corrects me: (translation): “No not escargot papa, gnagnago!” with an angry finger pointing at my face. GNAGNAGO! Why can’t we stay like him?

Ten) Ok. Please explain to a new daddy. First he comes. Little, frail little baby. Well, actually huge (eleven pounds). I couldn’t sleep the first year. Fear of him choking, falling, whatever. Then the twos. Everybody says the terrible twos. No shit. Now almost three. You’ll catch a break before the fucking fours (?!?). Tell me what comes next please!!! The oh-my-god-what-the-hell fives? Breath in cause at six he will poke your eyes out? Give me an accurate chronology please.

Eleven) When you go in the wild to get some rest, you enjoy the silence. Maybe it’s because it is real silence. Not just a lack of noise. With all the wireless shit being broadcast all the time, did you ever wonder how many weird waves are going through your brain simultaneously? I’m no doctor, but if the brain is working on electro-whatever impulses, no wonder we are all fucked up with the invisible barrage that we endure every day.

Twelve) I was changing my son’s diaper and I suddenly yelled like a schoolgirl EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!!!. My loving half came and looked at me like I was a caveman: “ It’s a baby boner you idiot”. What? A baby boner? I thought that we could only get an erection at eleven! No no, she tells me, he might even start to unconsciously rub himself…blahblah. Oh my god!!!! I don’t remember this at all. Huh.

Thirteen) I hate tampons. They take my rightful place. Do you have any idea of the sacrifices I make to occasionally access that sweet place? Do you, you little piece of cotton? And I pay for you to get in there! That’s it! Let’s step outside you punk! Sometimes I dream that they are dynamite sticks…I light the little cord…pshhhh….BOOM!

Fourteen) I’m not always gonna aggravate you with a video but for now I am alone and…mumble tampon mofo mumble…yes…FULL VOLUME GET NAKED!

Fifteen) Feels good. Hey I am starting a garden in my front yard. It is a huge yard that is useless, so I will grow things. Can’t grow cheese so I’ll grow things that go with cheese. Composting too…yeah. Tell you about it next time. Oh and my angliche is getting better! I reduced my use of the word FUCK by fifty percent! That’s fucking awesome!


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