Stupid People

Cheap Date Lookin’ For Sugar Daddy

I’ve been working like a fool and it finally caught up with me: First cold in 2 years. Obviously I do not have kids 😉

For some reason, as I sat here drinking litres of Green Tea, I started thinking back to some of the terrible dates I’ve been on in my life. One in particular always floats to the top of the pack because it was just so weird and surreal.

Years and years ago, I tried out one of those telephone dating services. A friend had recommended it, and like Internet dating, you never know who you’re going to meet. The difference of course, is that with telephone dating, you don’t have a picture to start with, which was fine because I’m an optimist. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Personality can in fact be as alluring as the physical. Right? RIGHT.

But the conversation flowed, so we were good on personality. We had common interests. We spoke for hours on a few occasions and decided to meet for coffee soon after. The location was her choice.

She chose a Tim Horton’s which was the first alarm bell for me. I know. How Canadian. Fine, I thought. Public place, well lit, terrible coffee. At least we had conversation. I was so naive.

The person I met was not the person I spoke to on the phone. It was her, but the illusion was completely shattered in every way.

Have you ever seen that Simpsons episode called “Marge On The Lam”, where Homer hears Chief Wiggum describe one of the suspects that they’re chasing? Wiggum says, “One is wearing a green dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair.” Not recognizing Marge in the description, Homer laughs from the backseat of the police cruiser and says, “hee hee…what a freak!” and imagines this:

What a freak simpsons

Well my date didn’t look QUITE like that, but didn’t look like anything I had imagined. Typical dating misconception.

So the physical attraction wasn’t there for me. Mysteriously, all of the conversational skills that she displayed on the phone were gone too. I started conversations, and the topics were met with blank stares. She asked me if there were any Tim Horton’s in my neighborhood.

It happens. Sometimes it’s due to the nerves of dating, but what it always comes down to is, if it doesn’t click, it doesn’t click.

As we wrapped it up (after a mere 20 minutes), she asked me if I wanted to take a walk around the block. Sure, what the hell. It was summer, and the weather was nice. It was still early evening and the sun hadn’t completely set. Then she laid it on me:

“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Can I borrow 20 bucks?”
“What?”
“I need 20 bucks. Don’t worry. I’m good for it”

I really didn’t know what to say, but I closed off the date with “Sorry, it’s a really tough month. My hands are tied.”  I think I may have touched my wrists together to illustrate my point.

And we’ve been together ever since.

Just kidding. I have wondered over the years about what the plan was  exactly. Was it the old, Fleece Men Out Of 20 Bucks Scheme,  one crappy date at a time? Worst get rich scheme ever.

Seriously though, I’m sure this was tame compared to some of the crap that can go down when you meet a stranger for the first time. What were some of your weirdest dating experiences?

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