Guest Bloggers

He Apologizes In Advance…

It’s time once again for guest blogger Jepeto’s take on life.  He is actually quite unapologetic, but we apologize on his behalf.  Jepeto spent seven years in Haiti, and after the earthquake we asked him if he wanted to write something about it.  In a rare moment of sobriety, he said he found it difficult to put his feelings into words.  Have no fear, he started drinking again.  Which means he began to reflect on Haiti, and then quickly degenerated in typical Jepeto fashion.  Enjoy.  And please don’t send us hatemail.

old drunk1) You know what most Haitians are doing right now? Praying and asking god why did he punished them. That is Haiti. That was Haiti. That will always be Haiti. Chaos and God.

2) A Haitian friend’s first comment and preoccupation after communications were established: I am safe but National prison destroyed and 1500 inmates escaped. When you get jailed in Haiti, it’s not for unpaid parking tickets, not even for stealing.  The guy just survived a major earthquake and his first concern is the escaped prisoners.  Should give you an idea of life in Haiti.

3) Latest death toll: almost 300,000. Sad new historical record for an earthquake. Silver medal goes to China in 1776 (250,000). Crazy. No words.

4) Hey here’s something to lift your spirits (or make you puke). Last week’s funny (and yet kinda gay but hell it was worth it) conversation with work collegues (just the men): how to suck your own cock. We explored all possible angles. The verdict, and one said a rock star actually did it: you have to remove your floating ribs to achieve that supreme goal.

5) I hate those %&!!&* people who truly think that the world is about “survival of the fittest”. I started a conversation with one such believer:

  •  Hey, so you think it’s like Monopoly, right, if you are the fittest you win right?
  • Yeahhhh, good thinking, exactly!
  • Well, tell me, if you start with 2000$ and 15 Hotels and I don’t, is it still survival of the fittest?

Yeahhhh walk away you stupid %&!!&*.

6) Stupid way to get injured: wash one foot in the shower with soap then stand on that foot to wash the other.

7) I told someone that I genuinely dislike 99% of people. I was tagged a racist (?!?). How can this be if I potentially like 70,000,000 million humans?

8) Hey collegues, please learn about bathroom etiquette at work! If one is cleansing one’s bowels, don’t barge into the next booth to unload abruptly. Give the man his space! And please don’t talk to him while doing it! God! What the hell is wrong with you guys? Not in my 1%.

9) A woman sold two kids in Louisiana for an exotic bird. She was sentenced to 30 years of hard labour (love it!). Imagine the horde of fucked-up people that are still on the loose.

10) Anyone watch The Nostradamus effect on the History Channel? Every week they show us how we will all die soon from a different source of eeeeevil. I can deal with the Mayan cowards, the Antichrist, the rising level of the sea, zombies, economic mayhem.  But the latest episode of the series destroyed all my hope: The Army of Satan! I am caught totally off-guard. First sign it is happening: zealots are selling their kids for exotic birds. We are so screwed.

11) Third-hand smoking. Yeah you heard right. Another retard, dead serious, was giving me shit for Turd-hand smoking. “It stays IN your clothes, ON the walls, IN your hair”. There is no escape. He should tell the History Channel, beats the hell out of The Army of Satan.

12) Thank god the Olympics are over! Don’t get me wrong it’s ok to watch, but ya know what comes after the Olympics? The PARALYMPICS!!! Now that is entertainment: Bobsleigh without sleds (just run and Weeeeee!) , blind downhill skying at 100 miles an hour, couples ice skating without arms (here comes the lift…ooo no!), sled-hockey teams beating the shit out of each other with their spiked poles (the sticks they use to propel themselves forward)  and fist-fighting (true!). Now THAT is the real Olympics! Courage and determination my friends.

13) Ain’t the global economy marvelous? I can buy my nephew a teddy bear half price if it comes from China instead of my own town. Now that is genius! I tried to explain to him that it comes from faaaaar faaar away. “But the pollution…” he told me after I proudly explained the long voyage of teddy bear, plane, ships, truck, blablahblah. It might look cheaper from faaaar away, but none of us calculated the carbon print it leaves behind (amongst other crazy factors). Thanks for reminding me that the global system of trade is, well, not THAT great.

14) Chile earthquake at 8.8! Holy cow! 300 dead? Are you finally starting to understand Haiti a little bit?

15) My son’s pooh is solid!!! Yahooo! Yeah it sounds weird but after months of diarrhea and shit (hehe) I was so relieve to see some real caca. I love you, you beautiful solid turd.

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  • Jen

    I love Jepeto! And I am a huge fan of the Nostradamos Effect. I’m ready for the antichrist, Satan’s army and have already written my last post which will publish on Dec. 21, 2012. Have you seen the After Armageddon? With that I am completely prepared. To Die.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Tooth Fairy Part 4 =-.

  • Jen

    Oh, and if given the option to remove those floating ribs, how many men do you think would do it?
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Tooth Fairy Part 4 =-.

  • Jepeto

    “Life after Humans” series is awesome! I agree.
    Regarding the floating ribs, I will soon start a rally to get a tax credit for it! (every man will join, believe me)
    – What is the purpose of this manifestation, sir? says the newswoman.
    – It’s very simple actually. We want some money to remove our ribs so we can suck our own pricks, Madam.

    Ain’t that news? oh yeah. I wonder how that scores on Nicky’s title thing. “Huge rally downtown: Men want to suck their own cocks!”

  • It actually scores 50%, with an empathetic and spiritual appeal. And I believe the answer to your question Jen, is ALL OF THEM!

  • Jen

    All of them. Ask a stupid question, get an obvious answer.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Isn’t it Ironic? =-.

  • Oh My Goodness! I am with Jen. I love Jepeto!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Five] =-.

  • I love Jepeto too, but find it very strange that I do!

  • I have to say I agree strongly with the part about bathroom etiquette, and several of the others.
    .-= Ratty´s last blog ..This One Is American =-.

  • Jepeto

    Linda – you love me because i am awesome, simply. Thanks for your comments guys.
    Ratty – we have to do a rally for bathroom etiquette. I could write a book on how disgusting people are in public bathrooms. Fucking monkeys we are, animals.

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