Guest Bloggers

Blogging In Body Armour

employee of the month cocoWow. I am finally out of the hospital. My girlfriend beat the shit outta me for writing with numbers, though technically they are not numbers (Ouch! Quit it!). Alright, I am better now. Tired. No more surprises, honey, I promise.

XV IX Random Thoughts

I) Seriously. How can you be a beaten man? I know it is possible, it happens all the time, but my brain just can’t process it. If you’re gay, ok, I get that you can get an asswhooping from another guy, or if your wife is an ex east german javelin thrower, she can bitchslap you back to yo mama, or if you write stupid posts…anyway, weird topic but I don’t get it.

II) Hey after finding my initials on my underwear, they are now on my toothbrush! Where does it end? Who the hell uses a BLUE toothbrush in the house other than me? Why write our son’s initials on a fucking rotating spiderman toothbrush? Really?

III) Roman numerals are not technically numbers, right? (love you baby)

IV) My son loves peanuts. We got a shitload of ‘em with shells, so I have to crack them one by one. I wonder if it is a job actually, cracking peanut shells. It cannot be mechanized cause all the peanuts would be crushed. so never complain about your job because you could be a (drums)…PEANUT SHELL CRUSHER!

V) Heard of Zynga’s Mafia War on Fuckbook? Addictive, I tell you. You can fight in New York, Moscow, Bangkok and Cuba. Latest news: Paris is coming! HAHAHA! Paris? “I vill kill you with zat baguette, fuckair”. “Oui oui, dere iz no way you can beat me because my taylor iz rich”.

VI) I hate special days, weeks or months. Peanut with shells day! Secretaries’ week! People with weird fungi month! I root for LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE year.

VII) A woman asked me if my son is potty trained, in case he stays at their place. Kind of a delicate question when I AM not even potty trained. Anyway I dislike this person so I told her we are poor so we can’t afford diapers and that my son shits his pants every hour or so. He sometimes eats it also so be careful. No more news about her. Case closed.

VII) NO. My kid is a genius. NO! that’s his favorite word. I can ask anything and the answer is…NO! He means “go fuck yourself daddy I am the master of the universe” but he doesn’t know how to say it yet, so…NO! Genius because this is IT! Yes! This is the SOLUTION!

VIII) Monday morning at work. “Can you give me some information on blah blah?”. “NO”.

IX) This drastic change in my work style got me reprimanded. So now I am using a milder tactic, using a deep cavernous voice with the MAYBE strategy. Goes a little bit like this, client starts:

  • Hello, can you give me some information?
  • Maybe I can.
  • Hum…are you serious?
  • Maybe I am.
  •  This is not funny at all.
  • Maybe it is.
  • I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR! NOW!
  • Maybe you can.
  • LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE PRICK I WILL FILE A COMPLAINT!
  • Maybe you will, maybe you won’t.
  • YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!
  • Maybe I am.

Related Posts

Share
  • Jen

    You forgot your pills again didn’t you?
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Tribal Blogs is Too Much Fun! =-.

  • Jen

    You forgot your pills again didn’t you?
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Tribal Blogs is Too Much Fun! =-.

  • Peanuts… my middle son LOVES them. I find peanut shells all over the house. I wish he didn’t know how to open them too!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..The Day I Would Simply Have To Move =-.

  • Peanuts… my middle son LOVES them. I find peanut shells all over the house. I wish he didn’t know how to open them too!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..The Day I Would Simply Have To Move =-.

  • I am officially adopting your work style because, well, I like it and I think it might work for me. From now on, I’m telling everybody “No!” and “Maybe I am” or “Maybe you will.”

    Maybe.

    No, I’d better not.

    But sure as shit wish I could. I also wish the federal government would declare 2011 “Let’s Not Work But Still Get Paid Year.” THAT, I could celebrate.

    Got to go now. My wife’s wants to know if I want my initials on my sack of nuts. I don’t, really, but we need to DISCUSS about it.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • I didn’t mean “discuss about it.” Only morons talk like that. I meant, “discuss it.” It’s that simple, really. Why I can’t it straight, I don’t know. I keep leaving words out of shit, too. My brain’s screwed up.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • Your work style is my mom style which I need to change because when I use the maybe my kids think it means yes.

    I’ve never heard of fuckbook, I should check it out I like reading.
    .-= Sheila Sultani´s last blog ..Muslim Cleric Discovers the Cause of Earthquakes! =-.

  • Jepeto

    Jen, I always take my Flintstone pill at 7 am. But I might be low on Cyanocobalamin and high on Cholecalciferol. Gotta check it.

    Katherine, your son is gonna be an excellent peanut shell crusher.

    Mike, the client is king. So adapt your work style. If the client is well educated, say: I SHANT. Sounds like I shat, iz funny.

    Sheila, Fuckbook is I think (ok, ok, I know) a porn site. Happy reading 🙂

  • Oh that is such a wonderful picture of your son. He’s so cute, all hairy and blonde and holding his nuts. I bet he takes after you.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..I Found Nostradamus! =-.

  • I’m not a peanut fan however I am a pistachio lover. Way harder to crack those shells. Someone should work on growing pistachios with easy open shells.

    Special days are perfect as long as they include gifts (for me) or the day off. All others are a waste of time.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Midnight Mystery =-.

  • I’m not a peanut fan however I am a pistachio lover. Way harder to crack those shells. Someone should work on growing pistachios with easy open shells.

    Special days are perfect as long as they include gifts (for me) or the day off. All others are a waste of time.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Midnight Mystery =-.

  • Jepeto

    Ziiiiva, queen of the rumble. You almost got it right: it is not my son on the picture, but my girlfriend is a female monkey. And yes i’m hairy and i like holding my nuts. 🙂
    Buggys, so i guess a Pistachio nut cracker is a suckier job than a peanut cracker. Hey i am growing stuff in my yard…i have no clue how peanuts or pistachio grow, huh, maybe i can plant them.

  • Jepeto

    Ziiiiva, queen of the rumble. You almost got it right: it is not my son on the picture, but my girlfriend is a female monkey. And yes i’m hairy and i like holding my nuts. 🙂
    Buggys, so i guess a Pistachio nut cracker is a suckier job than a peanut cracker. Hey i am growing stuff in my yard…i have no clue how peanuts or pistachio grow, huh, maybe i can plant them.

  • Is that fuckbook.com or fuckbook.org or fuckbook.net? I shant find it and my nuts are rapidly getting stale.
    .-= mikewj@toomanymornings.com´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • I noticed that you have 2 VII’s…unless of course that was your intent because the two are related to random thoughts of your son..in either case, they are my favorite’s! I have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old (yes, I was busy for a time there!), the first one would like to greet you w/a handshake after “picking his seat for the movies,” and the second one will tell you to “shut up.” I dread the day he learns “shut the fuck up!”

    Off to check out fuckbook.com…or org…or net…
    .-= Linda´s last blog ..Raffle info… =-.

  • Jepeto

    Fuckbook.fuck i think 🙂 seriously i thought i checked it a long time ago, think it’s an escort thing, dunno. Well Maybe i do.
    Bravo Linda, there are indeed II VII’s. On purpose or not? Maybe it is, maybe it’s nut. 🙂

  • Jepeto

    It is fuckbook.net. dating services.

    The best is that one, love their description:
    Fuckbook Single greatest sex dating community on the Internet. 1452 Girls online less than 15 miles away from you. Fuckbook gets you laid 🙂
    http://www.gofuckbook.com/

    Hahaha! 15 miles away!

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » I’d Like To Thank The Academy…()

  • Pingback: NCFTS » We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive()

Subscribe

  • RSS Feed
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest

Archives