Dinner Notes

private alcoveHey, I’m back from Kleenex Heaven! My sinuses were so blocked this week that I thought a squid had moved in.

But I made it to my parents for dinner. Twice. You know, just to say “hi” and all that. Also, do not underestimate the power of chicken soup. I don’t get colds very often, so I can never tell if it actually works. This time however, the stars had aligned: I was sick AND there was chicken soup to be had. 2 hours later…liberated sinuses and I was no longer sniffing like a coke fiend. Crazy. Someone should make capsules out of it.

Anyhow, we’re sitting around and my grandmother asks me how my patio is shaping up now that it’s spring:

“Are the vines growing yet?”,she asks.
“No, not yet. Something’s growing but I can’t tell what it is.”
“I love your patio. It’s so…secluded.
“I know”, I say. “It doesn’t feel like the middle of the city at all.”
“It’s very private. You could sunbathe nude. You know, if you wanted to.”

She’s 98.

Later on, my mom brings out a sponge roll cake thing. I take a bite and ask what flavour it’s supposed to be.

“Lemon”, she says.
“Well all I taste is sponge. Like the one in the sink.”

I can only get away with that shit when it’s store bought, cause my mom’s a great cook. And everyone agreed anyway: it was pretty dry. Like sawdust mixed with yellow “icing”.

Finally, we’re having our tea. We’re using those classic little tea cups that turn real men into dainty men. It’s impossible to hold the little handle without your pinky springing up all dainty-like.  I’m drinking my tea and trying to wrap my hand around the cup just to “keep it manly”. Then my mother asks me:

“Mike, can you help your grandmother open the juice?”
“Uh…I can’t”
“Why not?”
“Because my finger is stuck in the handle.”

I’d finished my tea, but while grasping the teacup, I somehow jammed my middle finger through the handle. Now it looked like I was wearing a big dumb ring. A teacup ring. Nice going.

I wave to them with my idiotic teacup ring hanging off my hand, and shrug.

It’s not often that I slay both my mother and grandmother at the same time. I think I get bonus points for that. Either way, I’ll take the karma.

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