Life

Good Kitty, Bad Kitty

Back in September when I moved into my place, a friend of mine gave me some tulip bulbs as a housewarming gift. I’ve never had my own green space before, so like a good urban gardener, I planted them.

Winter came and went, and with the arrival of spring, I was curious to see if they actually worked. They did. Leaves sprouted, which only meant that tulips were imminent.

I called a friend.

“I can’t wait to see my tulips!”
“Well, just look in the mirror!”

haha (tulips…two lips…get it?!)

Well the flowers actually showed up over the last week or so.  I checked on their progress this morning and ….what in the hell happened to them?! The three tulips that once stood so proud had been systematically dismantled.

WTF?!

By who?

I ruined your stupid flowers. Now I’m gonna roll around in the dirt to celebrate. Meow.

By this motherfucker that’s who.

I saw this cat last fall. This cat is extremely friendly. This cat thinks that it can do whatever it wants because it’s cute and it knows it. The first thing it did when I went out to survey the damage was paw my legs and purr happily. Then it took a crap in my bushes.

Real fucking cute. Maybe it would have been if it crapped out an explosion of yellow tulip petals, but it didn’t even bother eating any of them. Destruction without purpose is this cat’s game.

Still, I’m totally a cat person, so I couldn’t resist playing with Little Miss Flower Killer for awhile.

“Who’s a bad kitty? Oh yes you are. Did you destroy Mike’s stupid flowers? Yes you did! Purr purr. Meow. Rrreow…meow…rrrroww?…purr.”

I checked its tag and there was no name. She was vaccinated at least. Then she rolled around in the dirt some more before running inside to scope out my place, hide behind the couch, look in the bathroom, and smell my shoes.

Kinda made me miss having a cat, but not too much.

I crapped in your bushes too. Can I come in and piss on something?

I crapped in your bushes too. Meow. Can I come in and piss on something?

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  • Awww! Mike get a little litter box and let the fabulous kitty into your pad! She’s already eaten your flowers so she can’t do that again till next Spring. Just try it and see how it works out! Cat’s are cool! Well, I’ve got one so I have to say that! Smokey looks like Miss Tulip Delight! Except he’s about 16 pounds, 15 years old and an evil bastard!

  • Awww! Mike get a little litter box and let the fabulous kitty into your pad! She’s already eaten your flowers so she can’t do that again till next Spring. Just try it and see how it works out! Cat’s are cool! Well, I’ve got one so I have to say that! Smokey looks like Miss Tulip Delight! Except he’s about 16 pounds, 15 years old and an evil bastard!

  • Aww, what an adorable killing machine. And it can take a crap too! It doesn’t get any better than that.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..I Found Nostradamus! =-.

  • Aww, what an adorable killing machine. And it can take a crap too! It doesn’t get any better than that.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..I Found Nostradamus! =-.

  • mike

    Linda – The kitty has a collar, so I have to assume it belongs to someone. Plus I planted about 25 bulbs, so the rest just haven’t come up. I have a bad feeling that kitty is going to cause some serious carnage in the next month!

    Ziva – It actually does get better. How about 2 cats crapping in my bushes? Maybe I should just give up and spread litter everywhere.

  • mike

    Linda – The kitty has a collar, so I have to assume it belongs to someone. Plus I planted about 25 bulbs, so the rest just haven’t come up. I have a bad feeling that kitty is going to cause some serious carnage in the next month!

    Ziva – It actually does get better. How about 2 cats crapping in my bushes? Maybe I should just give up and spread litter everywhere.

  • Stoopit cat ruining your tulips!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.

  • Stoopit cat ruining your tulips!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Doing Things Differently™ – My Week In Review [Part Eleven] =-.

  • Another fine example of why I think all cats are evil. Even with their evil nature though, I still like them. That’s their evil mind control at work.
    .-= Ratty´s last blog ..Red-Bellied Woodpecker =-.

  • Your visitor was just telling you that instead of tulips, you should be planting catnip. Oh, and you also need to buy some cat treats and a cat bed for when s/he comes visiting.

    If you need any more cat-human translation, just ask. I will be happy to help.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Long Arm of the Paw =-.

  • You know what cats are good for?

    1) Oven mitts.
    2) Slippers.
    3) Dogs.

    I planted some bulbs once and the squirrels dug them up and ate them. Now I can’t decide which animal I dislike more, squirrels or cats. Or spiders. Spiders are also gross.

    I’m going to go with spiders. I’d rather have a cat or a squirrel sitting in my lap than a spider any day.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • Mike, you really can’t go wrong with litter everywhere. Be sure to take a picture for us too!

    The other Mike, how about this: a cat in your lap, and on the cat there’s a big hairy spider that’s hitched a ride, and then the cat throws up a half-eaten squirrel. Would that make you uncomfortable? I’m just saying, it could happen.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..I Found Nostradamus! =-.

  • You can start a new trend and replace all of your garden mulch with cat litter. Very efficient, maybe not so Green though.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Midnight Mystery =-.

  • You can start a new trend and replace all of your garden mulch with cat litter. Very efficient, maybe not so Green though.
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Midnight Mystery =-.

  • mike

    Meleah – I know!

    Ratty – I still like them too, even with their inherent evil.

    Sparkle – Maybe you can come by and tell this cat that flowers are not toys. She didn’t seem to get it when I tried to explain it.

    Mike – You do not want a squirrel on your lap. Ever. Squirrels like nuts.

    Ziva – Litter on its own wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the cat shit.

    Buggys- This is a very Green neighborhood, but I don’t think Community Litterbox is going to win any awards.

  • mike

    Meleah – I know!

    Ratty – I still like them too, even with their inherent evil.

    Sparkle – Maybe you can come by and tell this cat that flowers are not toys. She didn’t seem to get it when I tried to explain it.

    Mike – You do not want a squirrel on your lap. Ever. Squirrels like nuts.

    Ziva – Litter on its own wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the cat shit.

    Buggys- This is a very Green neighborhood, but I don’t think Community Litterbox is going to win any awards.

  • Jepeto

    White kittens are great when you are out of toilet paper

  • Jepeto

    White kittens are great when you are out of toilet paper

  • Great advice, Nicky. I’d never thought of that, either.

    Oh, and thanks a million for that image, Ziva! I hope your fucking car catches on fire while you’re driving over the bridge.

    And there’s TWO Mikes commenting on this blog? That’s too many Mikes for me. I’m out!
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • Wait, I’m back in because I just saw Jepeto’s comment. I like Jepeto. He’s very funny–and smart, coming up with cat ideas like that.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Sunday Night Is Pizza Night At My House =-.

  • mike

    Jepeto – As long as they’re declawed. Yes.

    Mike – I’m not just commenting, I’m the author! You do know by now that WWFC isn’t all Nicky’s doing, right? Also, you called me Nicky. I’m not offended. I just think I would know more about nuts than she does.

  • MikeWJ (not to be confused with Mike, the unfortunate, yet funny, author of the post who is now living surrounded by litter and cat poop), you’re scum, wishing me double dead like that just because of a silly little cat and a hairy spider and a dead squirrel and maybe some puke. Luckily, I know you’re not serious, because we both know your life would be horribly empty without me.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..I Found Nostradamus! =-.

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » It Wasn’t The Cat!()

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