Life

It Wasn’t The Cat!

There have been new developments in Tulip Carnage 2010.

The destruction in my garden last month caused me to instantly morph into a man well beyond my years, shaking a gnarled fist at the neighborhood cats. “Damn you cats!”

But they always return to the scene of the crime, don’t they? The real culprit showed up and looked me in the eye as I watched it bend a tulip, bite into its sweet center, and rip the head off the stalk.

Yes, it was the fucking squirrel:

bastard squirrelI asked my dad about it and he said, “Well son, of course it’s them squirrels. They want them nuts is what they want!”

“Yeah, but can I do anything to stop him?”

“Sure. Here’s what you do: buy a big bag of nuts.”

“Ok.”

“You go out there and you wait. When you see him, throw him a nut. He’ll take it and go bury it in someone else’s yard. Do that until all them nuts is gone. You’ll tire him out!”

Guilty!

Guilty!

“….”

Well it just so happened that I was out on the patio the other day, and I caught this very same rodent sitting in the bushes. Watching. Eying me. Sizing me up. We stared at each other for a good minute.

I grabbed a pebble and hurled it at the little bastard, but he thought it was a nut. Idiot! That wasn’t going to work.

So I reached for the hose and doused him.

Haven’t seen him since.

All charges will now be dropped against the cat, aka Little Miss Flower Killer and a full apology will be issued for calling her a motherfucker.

GUILTY!

GUILTY!!

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  • An apology is definitely in order. In fact, you should apologize to all of catdom for your misplaced blame. Although I do have to admire your method of getting rid of the creepy little squirrel.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Tortie Terror Tuesday =-.

  • An apology is definitely in order. In fact, you should apologize to all of catdom for your misplaced blame. Although I do have to admire your method of getting rid of the creepy little squirrel.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Tortie Terror Tuesday =-.

  • I think you haven’t seen the last of the squirrel. They are persistent little creatures. I*’m not sure anyone really knows how to win against them in the end. Where there is one, there are several more.
    .-= Ratty´s last blog ..Great Blue Heron =-.

  • I think you haven’t seen the last of the squirrel. They are persistent little creatures. I*’m not sure anyone really knows how to win against them in the end. Where there is one, there are several more.
    .-= Ratty´s last blog ..Great Blue Heron =-.

  • hehehe it`s so damn funny
    .-= Bizvertise´s last blog ..How To Find Business Idea =-.

  • hehehe it`s so damn funny
    .-= Bizvertise´s last blog ..How To Find Business Idea =-.

  • Dude, the cat probably peed and pooped all over your yard anyway. I wouldn’t stop calling Little Miss Flower Killer a motherfucker just yet. Also, I’m pretty sure grilled squirrel goes exceptionally well with a nice Gewurztraminer, and perhaps a piece of Brie. You’re welcome.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..See You In EEST! =-.

  • Dude, the cat probably peed and pooped all over your yard anyway. I wouldn’t stop calling Little Miss Flower Killer a motherfucker just yet. Also, I’m pretty sure grilled squirrel goes exceptionally well with a nice Gewurztraminer, and perhaps a piece of Brie. You’re welcome.
    .-= Ziva´s last blog ..See You In EEST! =-.

  • mike

    Sparkle – We’ll see if it works. Your cousin still crapped in my bushes,

    Ratty – I know. I have a feeling it’ll come back with some friends when it gets warmer. But I’ll be ready with more water, and a bigger hose!

    Bizvertise – ain’t it?

    Ziva – The cat totally buried a turd in my bushes. The key word being “buried”. As for the pee, I have to just pretend that if I can’t see it, it’s not there. The cat still gets points for being cute.

    I’m glad I ate before I read your comment. I’m pretty sure that nothing goes with squirrel. You win.

  • mike

    Sparkle – We’ll see if it works. Your cousin still crapped in my bushes,

    Ratty – I know. I have a feeling it’ll come back with some friends when it gets warmer. But I’ll be ready with more water, and a bigger hose!

    Bizvertise – ain’t it?

    Ziva – The cat totally buried a turd in my bushes. The key word being “buried”. As for the pee, I have to just pretend that if I can’t see it, it’s not there. The cat still gets points for being cute.

    I’m glad I ate before I read your comment. I’m pretty sure that nothing goes with squirrel. You win.

  • Mike, I happen to know that squirrel and dumplings are delish! That said, I could loan you Harry the Squirrel Killer. He brought a big bushy one in to give to me not long ago. It was a fat squirrel who had been completely ignoring Jenny Craig and gobbling up everything he could find in my garden. (Since it’s all organic, it’s fine.)

    Anyway, skin them (unless you like extra crispy) and put them in a pot with chicken broth. (I remove the feet, head and tail, but that’s me.) Season well and simmer for a couple of hours till the meat is nice and tender. Add your onion, carrots, potatoes and dumplings. Cover the pot for several minutes giving the dumplings a chance to puff out. Yum! I’ll tell you! Now I prefer this with a little Merlot, but that again is optional. Happy feasting!

  • Mike, I happen to know that squirrel and dumplings are delish! That said, I could loan you Harry the Squirrel Killer. He brought a big bushy one in to give to me not long ago. It was a fat squirrel who had been completely ignoring Jenny Craig and gobbling up everything he could find in my garden. (Since it’s all organic, it’s fine.)

    Anyway, skin them (unless you like extra crispy) and put them in a pot with chicken broth. (I remove the feet, head and tail, but that’s me.) Season well and simmer for a couple of hours till the meat is nice and tender. Add your onion, carrots, potatoes and dumplings. Cover the pot for several minutes giving the dumplings a chance to puff out. Yum! I’ll tell you! Now I prefer this with a little Merlot, but that again is optional. Happy feasting!

  • squirrels are MILITANT and they will hijack everything you plant! My father sits outside our garden with a bbgun like a sniper – but even that doesn’t stop them from ruining my moms flowers or stealing all of the bird food!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Happy 14th Birthday JCH! =-.

  • squirrels are MILITANT and they will hijack everything you plant! My father sits outside our garden with a bbgun like a sniper – but even that doesn’t stop them from ruining my moms flowers or stealing all of the bird food!
    .-= meleah rebeccah´s last blog ..Happy 14th Birthday JCH! =-.

  • I laughed out LOUD with this one! IT was the squirrel DUN DUN DUHHHHNNNNN! If I was there I would have cried out, “don’t hurt the SQUIRRRELLLL!” lolol! I had a year where they were eating ALL my tomatoes and I was SO MAD. I read they wanted water, so I put water out and it helped. A little. Or maybe it was because they had already eaten all my maters!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..And The Sticky Note SAYS…… =-.

  • I laughed out LOUD with this one! IT was the squirrel DUN DUN DUHHHHNNNNN! If I was there I would have cried out, “don’t hurt the SQUIRRRELLLL!” lolol! I had a year where they were eating ALL my tomatoes and I was SO MAD. I read they wanted water, so I put water out and it helped. A little. Or maybe it was because they had already eaten all my maters!
    .-= Katherine´s last blog ..And The Sticky Note SAYS…… =-.

  • LOL! When I was a kid there was this one squirrel in a nearby park that I would always take nuts to. I’d give him one, then watch where he buried it, dig it up and then give it him again, over and over. The sucker loved me, but could never figure out who was stealing his nuts. I used to feel badly about it, but now that I see how destructive the little bastards are I’m glad I fucked with him.

    Yes. You owe the cat an apology.
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we wonder “Does A Woman Need A Man To Be Complete…?” =-.

  • LOL! When I was a kid there was this one squirrel in a nearby park that I would always take nuts to. I’d give him one, then watch where he buried it, dig it up and then give it him again, over and over. The sucker loved me, but could never figure out who was stealing his nuts. I used to feel badly about it, but now that I see how destructive the little bastards are I’m glad I fucked with him.

    Yes. You owe the cat an apology.
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld we wonder “Does A Woman Need A Man To Be Complete…?” =-.

  • Jen

    I hate the fucking squirrels too. And if you give them nuts you are just making a bigger problem for yourself. The woman who lived in my house before me (obviously) fed the squirrels peanuts. That was three years ago and they are still digging up MY yard looking for their damn nuts.

    I got a wrist rocket (sling shot) and am getting to be a pretty good aim. I’ve only hit one but he jumped about five feet in the air. It was spectacular. My neighbor has been trapping them and taking them to the river to be “released”.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..What Women Want =-.

  • Jen

    I hate the fucking squirrels too. And if you give them nuts you are just making a bigger problem for yourself. The woman who lived in my house before me (obviously) fed the squirrels peanuts. That was three years ago and they are still digging up MY yard looking for their damn nuts.

    I got a wrist rocket (sling shot) and am getting to be a pretty good aim. I’ve only hit one but he jumped about five feet in the air. It was spectacular. My neighbor has been trapping them and taking them to the river to be “released”.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..What Women Want =-.

  • mike

    Linda – You’ve outdone yourself. I will now never eat a ‘mystery meat’ filled dumpling again. Only cheese-filled (as if that’s surprising).

    Meleah – Thankfully I just have 1…for now. I’m not ready to upgrade my weapon (the hose) to BB Gun just yet. I would probably shoot myself.

    Katherine – That sucks. I once had a plot in community city garden and rabbits ate our zucchinis. Rabbits suck because they’re too cute to do anything about.

    Jayne – That’s hilarious! I’m sure you drove its squirrely brain to madness. Next time I see the cat I’ll give it a good petting.

    Jen – Wrist Rocket, huh? I’d be afraid of hitting a neighbour though. It’s close quarters in the city. So far the hose seems effective. Doesn’t kill the squirrel, but gives it something to think about.

  • mike

    Linda – You’ve outdone yourself. I will now never eat a ‘mystery meat’ filled dumpling again. Only cheese-filled (as if that’s surprising).

    Meleah – Thankfully I just have 1…for now. I’m not ready to upgrade my weapon (the hose) to BB Gun just yet. I would probably shoot myself.

    Katherine – That sucks. I once had a plot in community city garden and rabbits ate our zucchinis. Rabbits suck because they’re too cute to do anything about.

    Jayne – That’s hilarious! I’m sure you drove its squirrely brain to madness. Next time I see the cat I’ll give it a good petting.

    Jen – Wrist Rocket, huh? I’d be afraid of hitting a neighbour though. It’s close quarters in the city. So far the hose seems effective. Doesn’t kill the squirrel, but gives it something to think about.

  • @Mike The key words here are “in my bushes.” I think that was pretty darn polite. He could have crapped on your doorstep, or somewhere you might have stepped in. That’s what dogs do. But no, he was a polite guest, and covered it up. Besides, as you said yourself, he is cute.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Tortie Terror Tuesday =-.

  • @Mike The key words here are “in my bushes.” I think that was pretty darn polite. He could have crapped on your doorstep, or somewhere you might have stepped in. That’s what dogs do. But no, he was a polite guest, and covered it up. Besides, as you said yourself, he is cute.
    .-= Sparkle´s last blog ..Tortie Terror Tuesday =-.

  • CheesyMike, I think it’s perfectly acceptable–even preferable–to call a cat a motherfucker. However, on the Pester Scale, I’d definitely rank squirrels higher–or is that lower?–than cats. Squirrels are smart and they’re persistent. Even now, that squirrel that you think you chased away is meeting with its buddies, plotting revenge. Soon, they’ll be in your attic. And from there, they’ll eat through your house, ruining your furniture and scaring people when they’re in the shower. The cost of hiring an exterminator, who won’t be able to get rid of them anyway, will bankrupt you, and you’ll have to move into a trailer park. Unfortunately, most trailer parks are located in the woods, which means you’ll be surrounded by hundreds and thousands of squirrels night and day, driving you mad, and putting you into an early grave.

    Other than that, though, it was a great idea to squirt the squirrel with your hose.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Americans Do Too Know A Lot About Europe (part deux) =-.

  • CheesyMike, I think it’s perfectly acceptable–even preferable–to call a cat a motherfucker. However, on the Pester Scale, I’d definitely rank squirrels higher–or is that lower?–than cats. Squirrels are smart and they’re persistent. Even now, that squirrel that you think you chased away is meeting with its buddies, plotting revenge. Soon, they’ll be in your attic. And from there, they’ll eat through your house, ruining your furniture and scaring people when they’re in the shower. The cost of hiring an exterminator, who won’t be able to get rid of them anyway, will bankrupt you, and you’ll have to move into a trailer park. Unfortunately, most trailer parks are located in the woods, which means you’ll be surrounded by hundreds and thousands of squirrels night and day, driving you mad, and putting you into an early grave.

    Other than that, though, it was a great idea to squirt the squirrel with your hose.
    .-= MikeWJ at TooManyMornings´s last blog ..Americans Do Too Know A Lot About Europe (part deux) =-.

  • mike

    Sparkle – You’re right about that. Ct’s have much better manners than dogs. Also, I still don’t know the cat’s gender, but I’ll check next time.

    MikeWJ – I still like to think that the squirrel is raving to his buddies, “He sprayed me! He actually sprayed me! We’re moving!” And then they leave and go to the park where they can dig up all the municipal tulips they want.

  • mike

    Sparkle – You’re right about that. Ct’s have much better manners than dogs. Also, I still don’t know the cat’s gender, but I’ll check next time.

    MikeWJ – I still like to think that the squirrel is raving to his buddies, “He sprayed me! He actually sprayed me! We’re moving!” And then they leave and go to the park where they can dig up all the municipal tulips they want.

  • Jepeto

    Squirrels are perfect when you run out of toilet paper

  • Jepeto

    Squirrels are perfect when you run out of toilet paper

  • mike

    Didn’t you say the same thing about kittens?

  • mike

    Didn’t you say the same thing about kittens?

  • I don’t which is funnier….your story or the comments after it!
    I would have been seriously pissed at that squirrel. Glad the hose worked out. You also owe the cat some cat treats…ha-ha.
    .-= Jennifer Landsberger´s last blog ..–cm =-.

  • I don’t which is funnier….your story or the comments after it!
    I would have been seriously pissed at that squirrel. Glad the hose worked out. You also owe the cat some cat treats…ha-ha.
    .-= Jennifer Landsberger´s last blog ..–cm =-.

  • Got something for you Mike!

  • Got something for you Mike!

  • I have another award for you Mike. If you want to ignore it, it's okay. I 'm giving it to you because I think you are awesome.

  • Thank you, Linda! We're going to have to build a special awards page to house them all. We totally appreciate them!

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