When In Doubt, Tell The Truth

So, recently, WWFC told a whole whack of lies. Or truths. Or both. Now we unveil the truths. Or the lies. Or both.


  1. I started smoking when I was 11 years old. True. But if I may be a tad “Clintonesque”, I didn’t inhale. At least not until the ripe old age of 13.
  2. I have multiple tattoos. True. I have a “bracelet” around my wrist, a black cat on my left shoulder blade and a Japanese symbol on the nape of my neck. I’d like to get more, but I’m running out of locations that won’t age badly. Gravity is a bitch, and particularly nasty to tattoos.
  3. I gained 65 lbs during my last pregnancy. True. I was ridiculously huge. So was the baby. He weighed in at 10 1/2 pounds and was the size of a 3 month old. Can you say C-section?
  4. I foiled a home invasion by pulling a professional-grade butcher knife on the would-be robber. True. I was seventeen, my parents were in Florida, my older brother was out and my younger brother was fast asleep. I heard the glass of the front door break and ran into the kitchen where I pulled out one of my Dad’s professional chef’s knives. Mr. Robber decided not to stay. It took me another 10 years to stop sleeping with a knife next to the bed.
  5. I was held up at gunpoint. True. I was sixteen and working in a grocery store. When the gunman first jabbed the gun into my ribcage, I thought it was one of the bagboys getting frisky, so I slapped his hand away. He didn’t appreciate it much. He emptied my cash and called me a nasty name. The jerk.
  6. I stop time. True. I have tried dozens of different watches, digital, wind-up, even a “ring” watch. Within a week, the battery is dead. Even when I replace it with a brand new battery, it dies in days. I’ve never heard of anyone else who has this problem. I’ve considered getting a sundial for my wrist.
  7. I was in a bar brawl, from which I was literally picked up and thrown out by the bouncer. True. I was 18 and out with a bunch of friends. Some guys who were high as kites started picking on one of the guys I was with. Then one of them shoved one of the girls in our group. Which is when I got involved. When the bouncer picked me up, I was screaming like a banshee at the instigator and telling him to man up and step outside so I could run his ass over. Then I called the bouncer of few names. Then I hit the pavement. Sigh. The good ole days.

Now, you’re probably thinking “But Nicky, you didn’t lie”. Yes I did. My lie was that I would tell a 6 truths and 1 lie or vice versa. Also, I wrote that we would reveal all one week later. Not true. And I really do think Linda lives in my head. Which is pretty cool.


  1. I first had sex at the age of 18. That’s outrageous. True. It’s hard to believe the boy has ever gotten any at all!
  2. I saw a real zombie. True. Jepeto lived in Haiti, where zombies are not the “undead” and can be see walking the streets.
  3. I once shit my pants on my way to a date. True. Sigh. As he tells it, Jepeto was hung over and …really, I don’t think you need details, do you?
  4. I cherry-bombed a toilet in school and it broke the entire drainage system. False. Jepeto would never damage his favourite room in any and every building.
  5. I was almost born in the USSR during the cold war. True. His parents were in Russia when his mom was 8 months pregnant with him and she started having contractions. Luckily, they stopped long enough for her to make it back to Quebec.  Mind you, Comrade Jepeto does have a certain ring to it…
  6. I pooed with my colleague at work and we talked about texture. True. And honestly, are any of us surprised?
  7. I have a little tail (get your minds out of the gutter!) True. Confirmed by his girlfriend, that saint, Jepeto has a tiny appendage below the base of his spine. Which is why he never became a plumber. And why I stopped believing in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution.


  1. I once jammed with Bon Jovi. False. While Mike is a very talented guitarist and has played in several bands (some of them prize-winning), he has never jammed with anyone famous. He’s just got too much integrity to go all commercial with his art. Uh huh.
  2. My favourite movie is “The Little Mermaid“. False. I believe his favourite movie is actually “Beauty and the Beast”. Or possibly “Aladdin”. The first one, of course, not the sequel.
  3. I once thwarted a Slovakian mugger on a train with a banana. True. On his way by train to Prague, a group of drunken men boarded and one of them entered his compartment before he had a chance to lock the door. When the man asked for his money, quick thinking Mike said he didn’t have any but offered the guy a banana instead. The drunk took it, stared at it  confusedly for a bit and then left. He and his drunken cohorts were kicked off the train at the very next stop. And Mike went “Hungary” for the remainder of the trip. Thank you, I’m here all week.
  4. I have an extraneous third nipple. False. It’s not extraneous. Ok fine, he doesn’t have a third nipple, extraneous or not.
  5. I got lost on a hike in Maine and nearly made it all the way back to Quebec, but got turned around by a bear that was stalking me. False. This is actually the premise of “The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon” by Stephen King. Mike has a keen sense of direction and has found his way out of many a paper bag.
  6. My mom craved mushrooms when she was pregnant with me. That’s how I got my name. Mike is actually short for Mycophagous. False. Although he really is a fun guy, Mike is actually short for Michael. Michael’s mother is a lovely, intelligent woman who would never name her son after mushrooms ’cause everyone knows they’re gross. Unless they’re magic.
  7. I really don’t like cheese. At all. Hahahahahahaahahahahahahaha! Like anyone could not like cheese! That’s just crazy talk.

And there you have it friends and neighbours. These are just some of the experiences and events that have molded us into the strange and motley trio we are, just trying to make our way through this crazy world together in the hopes that someday, maybe, we’ll find a way to unite all of mankind through a mutual love of cheese and put an end to wars and famines and general unrest. Or at least make enough money so that we can quit our jobs and blog full-time. Care to donate?

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  • When in doubt, tell the truth. That maxim I did invent, but never expected it to be applied to me. I did say, “When you are in doubt,” but when I am in …


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