Cheese In The News – Vol. 11

Desperate Cheese Times Call For Desperate Cheese Measures

A Washington man, Harley Davidson Ironwing, is facing charges of first-degree robbery and second-degree assault for allegedly knocking down an 84-year-old man while fleeing a grocery store with five packages of string cheese hidden in his waistband. Apparently, he hadn’t eaten in 3 days and was hungry. It would seem that Mr. Ironwing has a history of felony convictions, mainly property crimes. I guess with the economy still hurting, business must be slow for the poor man.

In Cincinnati, police say Darrell Bess, a homeless man, stole four pounds of cheese from Findlay Market and two DVD’s from the Hamilton County Public Library. He also had a couple of knives and a razor. When they arrested Bess, he was bathing naked in the library’s bathroom sink. I would have thought they would have given him credit for managing that, but no, the  52-year-old is being charged with public indecency, carrying a concealed weapon, theft and receiving stolen property. Concealed weapon? He was naked in a sink. Where on earth was it concealed?!

And Because It Keeps Popping Up In My Google Alerts And Will Until The Place Goes Under Or They Remove The Word “Cheese” From The Name…More Good News From Chuck E. Cheese.

Police have located the parents of a lost little girl who Chuck E. Cheese employees found as they were cleaning up for the night. The girl was taken to a Department of Children & Families facility. The girl’s parents called after the morning news ran the video of her at the restaurant. It would seem they had been looking for her. God, don’t you just hate when you leave your kid somewhere and you can’t remember where and you look everywhere including in the purse you never use and between the couch cushions and then the news comes on and you see her and you think “Ohhhh, riiiight, we stopped at Chuck’s before I hit the liquor store!” I know I always do.

And you know, I previously wrote about what I was hoping was a sign that this franchise will crumble. I’m going to take this latest piece as yet another indication that they’re tanking:  “…Christopher D. Morris, the Company’s Executive Vice President, Chief Financial Officer and Treasurer, will be leaving the Company on or about July 16, 2010 to pursue another business opportunity.” When the CFO is jumping ship, you gotta wonder…or hope.

Why I’ll Spend The Weekend Making Grill Cheese Sandwiches

A family from the U.S. discovered that a grilled cheese sandwich of theirs looked suspiciously like the Virgin Mary. I actually thought it looked more like the other Madonna. Now when you finish rolling your eyes, let me tell you that this family did what any upstanding, pious Christian family would do: they put it up for sale on eBay. They got $28,000 for it. Lucky bastards.

Maybe The Cheese Just Needs To Get Some

In Italy, 70,000 balls of mozzarella have been recalled after consumers saw that the milk-white cheese turned blue when exposed to air. Now, here’s what I’ve been able determine in my research of blue balls. Blue balls are not originally from Italy, they are from Germany. You can buy blue balls in Turin and Trento, and possibly in Slovenia. Samples are being tested to determine the cause of the blue balls. The Associated Press is also reporting that no one has become ill from eating blue balls. What I won’t Google for you people.

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