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Cheese In The News – Vol. 11

Desperate Cheese Times Call For Desperate Cheese Measures

A Washington man, Harley Davidson Ironwing, is facing charges of first-degree robbery and second-degree assault for allegedly knocking down an 84-year-old man while fleeing a grocery store with five packages of string cheese hidden in his waistband. Apparently, he hadn’t eaten in 3 days and was hungry. It would seem that Mr. Ironwing has a history of felony convictions, mainly property crimes. I guess with the economy still hurting, business must be slow for the poor man.

In Cincinnati, police say Darrell Bess, a homeless man, stole four pounds of cheese from Findlay Market and two DVD’s from the Hamilton County Public Library. He also had a couple of knives and a razor. When they arrested Bess, he was bathing naked in the library’s bathroom sink. I would have thought they would have given him credit for managing that, but no, the  52-year-old is being charged with public indecency, carrying a concealed weapon, theft and receiving stolen property. Concealed weapon? He was naked in a sink. Where on earth was it concealed?!

And Because It Keeps Popping Up In My Google Alerts And Will Until The Place Goes Under Or They Remove The Word “Cheese” From The Name…More Good News From Chuck E. Cheese.

Police have located the parents of a lost little girl who Chuck E. Cheese employees found as they were cleaning up for the night. The girl was taken to a Department of Children & Families facility. The girl’s parents called after the morning news ran the video of her at the restaurant. It would seem they had been looking for her. God, don’t you just hate when you leave your kid somewhere and you can’t remember where and you look everywhere including in the purse you never use and between the couch cushions and then the news comes on and you see her and you think “Ohhhh, riiiight, we stopped at Chuck’s before I hit the liquor store!” I know I always do.

And you know, I previously wrote about what I was hoping was a sign that this franchise will crumble. I’m going to take this latest piece as yet another indication that they’re tanking:  “…Christopher D. Morris, the Company’s Executive Vice President, Chief Financial Officer and Treasurer, will be leaving the Company on or about July 16, 2010 to pursue another business opportunity.” When the CFO is jumping ship, you gotta wonder…or hope.

Why I’ll Spend The Weekend Making Grill Cheese Sandwiches

A family from the U.S. discovered that a grilled cheese sandwich of theirs looked suspiciously like the Virgin Mary. I actually thought it looked more like the other Madonna. Now when you finish rolling your eyes, let me tell you that this family did what any upstanding, pious Christian family would do: they put it up for sale on eBay. They got $28,000 for it. Lucky bastards.

Maybe The Cheese Just Needs To Get Some

In Italy, 70,000 balls of mozzarella have been recalled after consumers saw that the milk-white cheese turned blue when exposed to air. Now, here’s what I’ve been able determine in my research of blue balls. Blue balls are not originally from Italy, they are from Germany. You can buy blue balls in Turin and Trento, and possibly in Slovenia. Samples are being tested to determine the cause of the blue balls. The Associated Press is also reporting that no one has become ill from eating blue balls. What I won’t Google for you people.

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  • I'm going to start making grilled cheese sandwiches too. I'm also going to try making more waffles, because I think they have been overlooked when it comes to pictures of Mary.

    It looked like Marilyn Monroe to me, which is not far from Madonna in her early years.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    Do you think I paid too much for that grilled-cheese sandwich? I thought maybe, but it was very good, and it was fun chewing on Madonna's face, because she's certainly chewed on my eardrums for a lot of years, and just about poked out my eyes with her pointy-bra thingys. I mean, it was enough to make me want to steal several pounds of cheese from the local supermarket and then go take a bath in the bathroom at the local library. Which I often want to do anyway just because it's fun to bathe at the library, especially if you have a good book to read. Reading and bathing is just damn fine relaxation, is what I say. Actually, I say just about anything that pops into my head. For example: Were the police sure that was string cheese the dude had in his pants, or was he just really happy to see some men in uniform because he had blue balls? I dunno. You gotta wonder.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    Sorry I had to cut that last comment short. Halfway through, I remembered that I left one of my kids at the McDonald's. Yesterday. I tell you, time really flies when you're passed out on the kitchen floor on account of drinking a fifth of vodka mixed with Sunny Delight.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    I meant “flys.”

    I think.

    I might still be drunk from the Sunny-D. That shit really stays with you.

  • I think I would have gone $27,500…tops. So you only really overpaid a little bit. I always thought that the pointy-bra thingys were because she was happy to see you, but it could have been string cheese in there. I'm not sure anymore, I'm still kinda hung over from all the Canada Day partying I did yesterday.

  • Tell me about it! When you go pick up your kids, if, by chance, you happen to notice a little curly-haired 2 year old with a face that is all eyes wandering around, could you pick him up too? I believe we make have taken a little drunken road trip yesterday based on the “Welcome to Colorado” sign stuck to the bumper of my car…

  • Flies, flys…whatever! You say “potato” and I say “Bartender, make mine a double!”

  • I would think the Madonna in a waffle would be worth even more than the sandwhich, because the waffle is more hole-y than bread. God, that was awful. I'm sorry. Oh wait, I didn't mean that God was awful! Or that the Virgin Mary's image was awful! I meant my joke, my joke was awful.

    I am so going to Hell.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    I'll see you when you get here. It's a little warm, but they have a well-stocked bar.

  • Ohio is a strange place. I didn't know anyplace made it illegal to bathe in a sink naked with a concealed (hello?) weapon. They are backwards, I think. I like the blue balls but have never seen them in the flesh. That grilled cheese sandwich looks like my neighbor Anne but tastier. Steeling videos is a crime, but what kind of people would charge a starving man for stealing cheese and knocking down some guy? I fall down and nobody gets charged. Poor thing. Also, leaving a kid at Chuck E Cheese is not a bad idea at all. Should I have another one, I might consider it myself. I mean, it's like they left her at the marijuana club or at Bev Mo or at “Barely Legal Darlings” or something equally questionable.

  • Ohio seems like a strange place. I've never seen blue balls either, although a few guys I've dated swore I would like them. I didn't believe them. Your neighbour looks like a grilled cheese sandwhich? I would think that would make her tasty, but I'll take your word for it! I actually feel kind of bad for the guy, because he only ended up knocking down the old man when the store clerk tackled him. It wasn't like he did it on purpose! If you do have another (please make it a girl, I soooo want a sister!) it's better to leave her at a McDonald's that's open 24 hours. That way there will always be someone there to watch her 🙂

  • I believe I've already reserved a seat at the bar!

  • She is rather tasty in a way.

    Blue balls are a myth, my darling Nicky! I just think anybody smart enough to try and steal cheese should get a break. It's not like they tried to make off with the Chivas Regal, now is it? Kids, grow on trees, I always say. I got preggers twice just looking at a penis.

  • OK, first of all…. they probably took the kid to Chuck E Cheese and got so freaked out that they bolted… and then their brain went in to a self preservation mode, causing them to forget they have a daughter. That place will DO that to you! Then… before reading the part with the cheese sandwich I looked at the picture and thought, “Oh, Marilyn Monroe on a cheese sandwhich!” Did Mary look like Marylin? LOL!

  • You know, I am morbidly curious about Chuck E Cheese! I think I may drive down to the states just to check it out. It's kind of like a moth/flame scenario. I know I'll be fried to a crisp, but yet I must go just the same…

    I believe the difference between Marilyn and Mary was the air vent. I don't remember any air vents in the Bible.

  • All this talk of cheese has made me hungry — but not enough to eat blue balls.

    “Harley Davidson Ironwing?” What a great name!

    Ditched at a Chuck E. Cheese. That's cold. Now all the little girls who were dumped at Neiman Marcus are going to tease the shit out of her.

  • Now Jayne, where's your sense of adventure? 🙂

    Isn't it though? A little disappointing that it belongs to a petty criminal.

    LOL! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes Monday in the schoolyard!

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    “I got preggers twice just looking at a penis.”

    That's funny!

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    Shall I order us some Long Island Iced Teas and Jalapeno Poppers, then?

  • That sounds heavenly 🙂

  • You wouldn't say that if it was you who got pregnant just looking at a penis 🙂

  • That's exactly what I was going to say to Michael, Nicky. I have a post up on some tattoos that might give you some ideas.

  • LOL! I was there while you were here 🙂

  • An entire blog dedicated to CHEESE? This is amazing. Could you imagine making news for being arrested for stealing string cheese? And I thought the guys name was classic, but his crime was even better. I swear, you can't make that stuff up!

  • Welcome Jenny! I could NOT imagine being arrested for stealing string cheese…I could imagine being arrested for stealing Camembert though. See, I don't have a really cool name, so I would have to get busted for a more impressive cheese crime to make up for that!

  • This is so weird, I was sure blue balls were originally from Finland! All this ice and snow could make any balls blue, I've always said. It's a good thing I have you Nicky, I would definitely be slightly less intelligent if it weren't for you.

  • That's what I thought too! At the very least, I thought they were Swedish…
    Consider it WWFC's public service. 🙂

  • I had no idea there were so many cheese-related crimes. I need to get out more.

  • Good grief Vange! Where do you live…Finland or something? Cheese is everywhere, it is everything. Cheese is the answer. Remember that Beatle's song “All you need is cheese”?

    Yeah, the heat has turned my Swiss cheese brain into fondue.

  • I didn't get copied of any of these or I would have been over much sooner. I have a seat reserved for me in hell, and have since I wrote that piece about the Pope last year. I'll call dibs on the seat next to me for you because you are so going to hell for all that virgin mary and blue balls stuff. Of course Mary probably caused her fair share of blue balls, at least with Joe because God knows he wasn't allowed to hold her purse.

  • Thank you!

  • Not only is it our duty as cheese fiends, but it is our pleasure 🙂

  • LMAO!!

  • “God, don’t you just hate when you leave your kid somewhere and you can’t remember where and you look everywhere including in the purse you never use and between the couch cushions and then the news comes on and you see her and you think “Ohhhh, riiiight, we stopped at Chuck’s before I hit the liquor store!” I know I always do.”

    That CRACKED me up. But, seriously, what the HELL is wrong with those parents?

    Now I am going to feed my craving for some String Cheese!

  • I have no idea how people keep losing their kids at Chuck E. Cheese! I've tried losing mine at a number of places, like Wal-Mart, McDonalds, the racetrack…they just keep coming back!

  • Nicky! You’re CRACKING me up!

  • I’m sorry?

    🙂

  • 🙂

  • I'm sorry?

    🙂

  • 🙂

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » Cheese In The News – Vol. 15()

  • Nice to be visiting your blog again, it has been months for me. Well this article that i’ve been waited for so long.

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