…except for death, taxes and Jepeto’s manic ramblings.
Nein Random Thoughts
Eins) Easiest way to get out of a depression: move above sea level.
Zwei) I pay taxes. A shitload of ‘em. Health tax for healthcare. School tax for schools. Property taxes for my city’s infrastructures. Gas taxes for pollution (I guess). Taxes to drive, to take public transit. Taxes to register my car. Taxes for TV. Taxes on all goods and services I buy. Taxes for employment insurance. Taxes for old age pensions. Taxes for social security. Taxes for medecine. For everything that I do, I pay. It fucking covers EVERYTHING there is. So here is my question: Income taxes – why? I must give 40% of what I earn on top of all that. What a nice racket.
Drei) Hockey is awesome. I was walking downtown, amongst a flock of monkeys and I had a brilliant idea. Penalty boxes on every street corner, shadowed by a huge ref with a whistle. You jaywalking? Prrriiiiiit! 2 minutes in the box asshole. You are about twelve and dress like a ho? Priiiiit! 4 minutes double minor cause you’re skanky. You are ugly? Like repugnant ugly? Priiiiiit! 5 minutes major cause you ugly, and a day’s misconduct spent at home because we don’t wanna see your ugly mug. There are endless possibilities…I must write a rulebook.
Vier) Walk on a crowded street. Then stop and stare upwards for about 10 minutes. Look perplexed. You will notice a gathering of monkeys around you, all staring upwards too. Don’t answer them, just wave your hand to shush them. After another 10 minutes, exhale loudly and say “yup, I definitely need a haircut” then walk away.
Funf) I was very offended by comments insinuating that I was gross and that I had a pooh fetish. Left me constipated for 2 weeks. Some think I am childish. I have changed. I am a new man now!
Sechs) Suck my balls.
Sieben) Remember my work collegue, ya know, the one I draw penises in his Sudoku squares? Well he always has a bag of cookies. I opened it, farted in it and closed it. Every time he ate a cookie he asked me why I had a huge smile on my face.
Acht) There is a restaurant that serves cheese made out of breast milk. This made me think. I should invent smegma cheese. I’ll hijack a subway car on a very hot day. Tell all the women and children to leave. Ask all remaining uncircumcized man to drop their pants and start collecting. Hmmm…smegma cheese!
Neun) I have found my religion. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Think it’s a joke? Google The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am a Pastafarianist. Goes well with cheese.