Guest Bloggers

Nothing In Life Is Guaranteed…

…except for death, taxes and Jepeto’s manic ramblings.

They look delicious, don’t they?

Nein Random Thoughts

Eins) Easiest way to get out of a depression: move above sea level.

Zwei) I pay taxes. A shitload of ‘em. Health tax for healthcare. School tax for schools. Property taxes for my city’s infrastructures. Gas taxes for pollution (I guess). Taxes to drive, to take public transit. Taxes to register my car. Taxes for TV. Taxes on all goods and services I buy. Taxes for employment insurance. Taxes for old age pensions. Taxes for social security. Taxes for medecine. For everything that I do, I pay. It fucking covers EVERYTHING there is. So here is my question: Income taxes – why? I must give 40% of what I earn on top of all that. What a nice racket.

Drei) Hockey is awesome. I was walking downtown, amongst a flock of monkeys and I had a brilliant idea. Penalty boxes on every street corner, shadowed by a huge ref with a whistle. You jaywalking? Prrriiiiiit! 2 minutes in the box asshole. You are about twelve and dress like a ho?  Priiiiit! 4 minutes double minor cause you’re skanky. You are ugly? Like repugnant ugly? Priiiiiit! 5 minutes major cause you ugly, and a day’s misconduct spent at home because we don’t wanna see your ugly mug. There are endless possibilities…I must write a rulebook.

Vier) Walk on a crowded street. Then stop and stare upwards for about 10 minutes. Look perplexed. You will notice a gathering of monkeys around you, all staring upwards too. Don’t answer them, just wave your hand to shush them. After another 10 minutes, exhale loudly and say “yup, I definitely need a haircut” then walk away.

Funf) I was very offended by comments insinuating that I was gross and that I had a pooh fetish. Left me constipated for 2 weeks. Some think I am childish. I have changed. I am a new man now!

Sechs) Suck my balls.

Sieben) Remember my work collegue, ya know, the one I draw penises in his Sudoku squares? Well he always has a bag of cookies. I opened it, farted in it and closed it. Every time he ate a cookie he asked me why I had a huge smile on my face.

Acht) There is a restaurant that serves cheese made out of breast milk. This made me think. I should invent smegma cheese. I’ll hijack a subway car on a very hot day. Tell all the women and children to leave. Ask all remaining uncircumcized man to drop their pants and start collecting. Hmmm…smegma cheese!

Neun) I have found my religion. I worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Think it’s a joke? Google The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am a Pastafarianist. Goes well with cheese.

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  • Smegma cheese? Please, I beg you, go back to the poo fetish.

  • Jepeto

    Allons enfants de la Patriiiiie, le jour de la gloire eeeeest arrivé! Bonne fête français! Vive le fromage smegma.

  • 00dozo

    “Smegma” ??? Priiiiit! That's a 20 minute major and a 5-game suspension.

    (Nicky! Nicky! He's loose again! And don't accept any cheese gifts or opened bags of cookies from him!)

  • Jepeto

    Good idea. In the rule book.

  • I'm really not sure what to say. And that's a first.

  • C'est très effrayant que tu crois en ce que tu dis. (I'm better with morse code than I am with French.)

  • I'm with Ziva. I was okay with your planet of the apes theme, but then you hooked a sharp left somewhere into yuckyland. But at least you worked cheese in there somehow. I probably shouldn't have worded like that, actually.

  • Jepeto

    Merci. C'est gentil.

  • Jepeto

    What a relief. Thank you. I was afraid to scare people. Voices in my head tell me that i am excessive. I prooved them wrong.

  • Jepeto

    Theme? There was a theme? Sechs again.

  • Acht. Truly GROSS! 😉

  • He has that affect on a lot of people…actually, he has that affect on everybody he meets. And people he doesn't actually meet.

    I think we're going to need a bigger cage.

  • And if Jepteo keeps this up, I'm going to have to pluck out my eyes so I won't read him.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    There's so much to say after reading this post, Jepeto, but I'm verklemmt–overcome with emotion. I can barely type these words through my tears, in fact. But I will endure, because they are tears of indescribable joy mixed with mind-bending quantities of alcohol.

    Where have you been all these years, my dear lost Brüder? We were separated by a crowd of monkeys, but I never stopped sensing your presence, even though I could not find you anywhere–not on the rooftops, not on the streets and not in the sewers, although to be honest I didn't look there very hard because it's a little too mucky for me and I like to keep my Adidas neat. But without you, I felt only sehnsucht, except when I was getting a hot-oil massage from the blonde twins Helga and Olga. Then I felt something else entirely, pardon my momentary indiscretions; they were but a fleeting distraction from my pain.

    Last I remember, mom and dad and our other dad–the one with the curious distinguishing birthmark–dropped us off in downtown Montreal at the age of seven, or sieben as we said then , and told us to grow up in a hurry. They said they'd come back for us in funf to zehn years with clean lederhosen and hand-carved Bavarian cuckoo clocks as a reward for our efforts. But we now know that was a damned lie, like almost everything they told us in their thick Plattdeutsch accents, including that one day we would both be highly paid hockey stars.

    Piiift!

    Piiiiiiift!

    If I ever catch them, I will severely punish them for their crimes by throwing them out of the rink and giving them a 60-game suspension for their crimes! Then I will feed them schmega cheese and moldy French bread while I sup on beer, brochen and braunschweiger to celebrate their suffering and our good fortune. Beer and braunschweiger is not good for the movement of the bowels but it is delicious.

    I'm sure you agree.

    I look forward to our reunion, Brüder. Years ago, I bought a pair of lederhosen in a duty-free shop at the flughafen when I was visiting Weisbaden and kept them tucked away in a drawer for you, anticipating our reunion. And now that time has arrived.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    I like him.

  • MikeWJ at TooManyMornings

    Die Wahrheit, wie schmega, ist immer erschreckend, diejenigen, die nicht wollen, es zu hören. Aber das macht es nicht weniger wahr. Nicht wenn die Wahrheit schmutzig ist, aber wenn es flach ist, ist der aufgeklärte Mensch in seiner Abneigung gegen Wasser waten

  • We like him too. 🙂

  • Sweetheart, don't you dare hurt yourself over him! We'll just pluck HIS eyes out instead.

  • Jepeto

    I agree. Every day at 13H00.

  • Jepeto

    Very well written and funny, superb melange of languages and a beautiful gradation towards a logical conclusion. That said, Please put me back in my cage, Nicky!

  • Jepeto

    I worship an american Warlord, what's his name again…sounds like pubic hair…nevertheless…SHOCK AND AWE Linda! It is very effective and totally humane.

  • Darling Nicky, are you sure we should only pluck the eyes out? There might be other things ripe for the plucking if you get my drift.

  • Jepeto, I have a great little cactus for you.

  • Jepeto

    Excellent! Will go well with the warlord Bush.

  • I was with you until the smegma and then I kinda got grossed out and put off cheese which is too bad that I was eating a piece of this as I was reading about smegma cheese.

    When I was kid my brother and I used to play the look up in the sky came whenever we were in the car driving long distances. We'd point and look shocked or scared, until the driver behind us started looking up. Of course from their point of view they wouldn't be able to see what we were seeing. Kids today don't do those kinds of things and it's really sad.

  • Jepeto

    What have i done? I made people hate cheese…i will never forgive myself. Damn you Jepeto! Daaaammnnn you!
    Yup kids nowadays are staring at….the TV, das computer or video games. My son is constantly hit with a tsumani of electronics. He discards them after 5 minutes. But he still plays with 6 wooden letters on wheels that spell his name when put together. There is hope 🙂

  • I'll get over it but I just bought a pound of the most wonderful baby swiss
    and was really looking forward to it. You've ruined that for me.

  • Jepeto

    Mouhahahahahaha! ok i'll start packing…moving under sea level.

  • =O Breast Milk Cheese? I think I just cried and threw up. I do like the idea of street corner penalty boxes with big refs throwing everyone in there for things that annoy me personally. People carrying too many shopping bags. People who look like other people I don't like. People who walk like chickens… Oh, the penalties they would pay. I wonder how much we'd have to pay in taxes to get these penalty boxes. Hmmmm…

  • Jepeto

    The scary thing is that Breast milk cheese is real and is currently being served at restaurant for sick fucks. See Nicky's post.
    *people who walk like chickens* hahaha…
    Street corner penalty boxes would be self-efficient. In my fantasy world taxes don't exist…

  • You had me until Breast Milk Cheese, and then you lost me at smegma! *gags*

  • You had me until Breast Milk Cheese, and then you lost me at smegma! *gags*

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive Get Drunk »()

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