Cheese In The News – Vol. 12

Why, Oh Why, Couldn’t It Be Called Chuck E. Chalupa??!!

Wait a minute, Uncle Willy! Aren't YOU supposed to be the one blindfolded?!

Authorities confronted a sex offender at a Florida Chuck E. Cheese, but didn’t arrest him.  Police said he was doing nothing wrong.  Of course he wasn’t. Hey, he’s got just as much right to be there as any non-pedophiles. See, he was found guilty of sexually abusing a 13-year-old and, according to the law, 12 years old is the cutoff for banning pedophiles from public areas frequented by children. When police confronted him, he told them he was there for a birthday party. Happy birthday, Junior! Uncle Willy’s here to play “Pin my tail on the birthday kid”!


Less than two months after a lawsuit was filed, the owners of a Texas Chuck E. Cheese opted to settle with a woman who blamed the pizzeria for failing to supervise her son as he played on a slide. Pat Wilson’s minor son, King Hall, fell from a playground slide and broke his arm. In her suit, Wilson says Hall was playing in an “overly crowded area” where “it was clear there was not proper supervision from the employees.” Why that did not make it clear she should watch her own damn child is beyond me! Wilson argued that because of his fall, Hall will experience a diminished earning capacity and suffered physical impairment, mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement. Are you kidding me?! I argue the kid will suffer and has suffered all those things from being named King Hall and having an idiot for a mother. She was also suing for her loss of parental consortium and incurred medical costs. Is parental consortium a legal term for good parenting skills? Probably not, since I don’t believe you can lose what you never had. Oh, and what a shock, she’s already started withdrawing funds from the settlement trust.


Also in Texas, a Chuck E. Cheese became the target of a robbery. Police say a man walked inside a Chuck E. Cheese and

There really is no justice.

pried open a token machine. While he was removing cash from it, several employees confronted him. He pulled a gun but did not fire. He turned and bolted out the front door, but didn’t get very far. Money and a handgun were recovered. I wonder if his defense will be the diminished earning capacity he experienced by having a mother who actually watched him while he was playing as a child and therefore never sued a major, albeit idiotic, franchise so that he would have enough money to realize his dreams of becoming the San Antonio “XBox Backyard Wrestling” champion? 

Oh Yeah, We’re Bad. But In A Bad Way.

Mary soon realized she wouldn't be able to lie her way out of this one!

Canadian federal health officials are issuing a warning about a salmonella outbreak involving headcheese that has sickened 18 people in B.C. and Ontario.  This, after they issued the warning that headcheese isn’t cheese at all, but really just meat wanting to be cheese. Health officials say there are 17 confirmed cases of illness in B.C. one confirmed case in Ontario, and Mary, in Human Resources, who just couldn’t believe it wasn’t really cheese and had to try “just a little bite”.


So What’s In A Name Anyway?

Canadian negotiators have just returned from trade talks with the European Union,

Aren't those stars a little American-style?

where they reportedly talked about the words used to label products. A January draft agreement shows the Europeans don’t want Canadian products even using words like “style” or “flavour” to hint to consumers what our version copies. So “feta-style cheese” wouldn’t be allowed, for example. After our products, the Europeans are insisting we revise our insults as well so we can no longer say things like “Jill, you are displaying a European-style pettiness” or “Fred, you are being a first class European-like ass”. In retaliation, Canada has revoked Europe’s right to use Canadian style bacon and has increased the exportation of Celine Dion CDs. Ha, take that Europe!

They Call Themselves Cheese Lovers!

In Wisconsin, people were throwing cheese curds . Apparently, for the last eight years, the World Championship Cheese Curd Throwing Contest has been part of Colby Cheese Days. It all started when four churches in Colby were trying to raise money for repairs, and decided to use the contest as a fundraiser. My fellow cheese lovers, we need to stop this abuse of cheese perpetuated in support of the Lord! Was it not Job who said to God “Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? Call your local church, call the Archdiocese, call the Pope! The bible tells us we are all cheese and to mistreat cheese is to mistreat ourselves!

And Just For Fun…

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