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Cheese In The News – Vol. 12

Why, Oh Why, Couldn’t It Be Called Chuck E. Chalupa??!!

Wait a minute, Uncle Willy! Aren't YOU supposed to be the one blindfolded?!

Authorities confronted a sex offender at a Florida Chuck E. Cheese, but didn’t arrest him.  Police said he was doing nothing wrong.  Of course he wasn’t. Hey, he’s got just as much right to be there as any non-pedophiles. See, he was found guilty of sexually abusing a 13-year-old and, according to the law, 12 years old is the cutoff for banning pedophiles from public areas frequented by children. When police confronted him, he told them he was there for a birthday party. Happy birthday, Junior! Uncle Willy’s here to play “Pin my tail on the birthday kid”!

***

Less than two months after a lawsuit was filed, the owners of a Texas Chuck E. Cheese opted to settle with a woman who blamed the pizzeria for failing to supervise her son as he played on a slide. Pat Wilson’s minor son, King Hall, fell from a playground slide and broke his arm. In her suit, Wilson says Hall was playing in an “overly crowded area” where “it was clear there was not proper supervision from the employees.” Why that did not make it clear she should watch her own damn child is beyond me! Wilson argued that because of his fall, Hall will experience a diminished earning capacity and suffered physical impairment, mental anguish, physical pain and disfigurement. Are you kidding me?! I argue the kid will suffer and has suffered all those things from being named King Hall and having an idiot for a mother. She was also suing for her loss of parental consortium and incurred medical costs. Is parental consortium a legal term for good parenting skills? Probably not, since I don’t believe you can lose what you never had. Oh, and what a shock, she’s already started withdrawing funds from the settlement trust.

***

Also in Texas, a Chuck E. Cheese became the target of a robbery. Police say a man walked inside a Chuck E. Cheese and

There really is no justice.

pried open a token machine. While he was removing cash from it, several employees confronted him. He pulled a gun but did not fire. He turned and bolted out the front door, but didn’t get very far. Money and a handgun were recovered. I wonder if his defense will be the diminished earning capacity he experienced by having a mother who actually watched him while he was playing as a child and therefore never sued a major, albeit idiotic, franchise so that he would have enough money to realize his dreams of becoming the San Antonio “XBox Backyard Wrestling” champion? 

Oh Yeah, We’re Bad. But In A Bad Way.

Mary soon realized she wouldn't be able to lie her way out of this one!

Canadian federal health officials are issuing a warning about a salmonella outbreak involving headcheese that has sickened 18 people in B.C. and Ontario.  This, after they issued the warning that headcheese isn’t cheese at all, but really just meat wanting to be cheese. Health officials say there are 17 confirmed cases of illness in B.C. one confirmed case in Ontario, and Mary, in Human Resources, who just couldn’t believe it wasn’t really cheese and had to try “just a little bite”.

 

So What’s In A Name Anyway?

Canadian negotiators have just returned from trade talks with the European Union,

Aren't those stars a little American-style?

where they reportedly talked about the words used to label products. A January draft agreement shows the Europeans don’t want Canadian products even using words like “style” or “flavour” to hint to consumers what our version copies. So “feta-style cheese” wouldn’t be allowed, for example. After our products, the Europeans are insisting we revise our insults as well so we can no longer say things like “Jill, you are displaying a European-style pettiness” or “Fred, you are being a first class European-like ass”. In retaliation, Canada has revoked Europe’s right to use Canadian style bacon and has increased the exportation of Celine Dion CDs. Ha, take that Europe!

They Call Themselves Cheese Lovers!

In Wisconsin, people were throwing cheese curds . Apparently, for the last eight years, the World Championship Cheese Curd Throwing Contest has been part of Colby Cheese Days. It all started when four churches in Colby were trying to raise money for repairs, and decided to use the contest as a fundraiser. My fellow cheese lovers, we need to stop this abuse of cheese perpetuated in support of the Lord! Was it not Job who said to God “Your hands shaped me and made me. Will you now turn and destroy me? Remember that you molded me like clay. Will you now turn me to dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese, clothe me with skin and flesh and knit me together with bones and sinews? Call your local church, call the Archdiocese, call the Pope! The bible tells us we are all cheese and to mistreat cheese is to mistreat ourselves!

And Just For Fun…

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  • I LOVE THIS POST!!! Sue happy people make my butt want a dip of snuff. It's amazing the number of unnecessary tests doctors I work with order…just to cover their asses.

    The amount of money these “tests” cost people i.e. increased insurance premiums and taxes to cover tests ordered on people utilizing government assistance to pay for their health care is staggering.

    All this talk about cheese has made me hungry!!

    Love your blog, by the way 🙂

  • 00dozo

    I understand the persnicketiness of using “champagne” to describe sparkiling wine, but WTF is “feta-style” cheese?? Canadian goats that wear togas??

    And don't get me started on headcheese.

  • Welcome Roschelle! I'm so glad you stopped in, our fridge is always fully stocked with cheese, help yourself! 🙂 I'm also very happy you enjoyed the post, and our site. Just beware, we occasionally have a guest blogger named Jepeto, and he is most definitely not for the faint of heart!

    Living in Canada, we're fortunate to have a system that doesn't encourage lawsuits in the slightest. When a doctor here gets sued, it's because he messed up in a BIG way!

  • First of all, I've never been to a Chucky Cheese. And I never plan to. But if a pedo goes there it's fine with me. You can't tell me that Chucky's food doesn't make people sick (except small children). So perhaps the guy should be forced to eat there from now on. But Nicky, I think you are being a little harsh on him. I mean, 13 is not 12, ask Roman. And she probably looked 14 anyway. Or he did, whatever.

    Can I still refer to Europeans I don't like as “Euro-Trash”?

    What is so wrong with King Hall, Nicky? I named my dog Prince Harry. I'm just saying… And is martial loss of consortium when he's not in the mood? And I can sue for that? Wow!

    Robbing for chuck e cheese tokens shows diminished capacity right there. He needs help, not prison.

  • Nicky

    I've never been either. Maybe we should go together? No, maybe not. You know, it's quite possible that Polanski helped write that law!

    I think you may now need to refer to them as Euro-style trash.

    Prince Harry is absolutely smashing – for a dog. You didn't name your son that, did you?

    Yup, obviously not the sharpest tack in the shed.

  • Yeah, I really don't get it either. Champagne indicates the region where the wine is made so I get that sparkling wine from California shouldn't carry the name Champagne. But feta is NOT the name of the region where the cheese is made, so how does it get the protected designation of origin status? Damn those Greeks! Oh, wait…nevermind that last bit. 🙂

    I wouldn't get anyone started on headcheese.

  • I, oh the horror, I have been there. Tons of kids running around EVERYWHERE with no parental supervision. Some people have the nerve to just drop their kids off. How's the staff, any staff, expected to supervise these many children.

    I was a nervous wreck by the the time I left!

    As far as that name, King Hall. Let's just hope his middle name isn't Dom!

  • I love cheese in the news. It makes me snorf, which is laughing, but only while snorting cheese puff crumbs off Elvis's face.

  • Why do people have to make cheese look bad?

  • I'm super disgusted, and have also suddenly let go of my long harbored bitterness I held toward my grandmother for never taking us to Chuck E. Cheese.

    PS, Nicky, I am formally inviting you to my new blog: http://www.razzlefrats.blogspot.com. I feel like maybe I didn't link to it properly the last time I left a comment, which means you don't know of its existence. If this is the case, it would explain why you seem to not love me anymore. I forgive you.

    It's a housewarming party, please bring fancy cheese. And wine. I've never had wine, but I'm dying to try some.

  • I loved this post, and it has made it even more clear to me that cheese is the cause of all craziness in the world. Oh, and as a side note, would you please stop sending us Celine Dion CDs????

  • No, we will bypass the Chuck. Euro-style trash is very nice. No, my dog is Prince Harry and my son is Juan Pedro (or John Peter, if you will). I named him after my gardener.

  • Love the cheese puffs Elvis! Chuck E. Cheese is the spawn of the devil and King Hall is one lucky kid, not only does he have a mom who clearly knows how to look out for his financial interests but that name!

  • I agree with Ziva, stop sending us Celine Dion, can't you take her back?

  • Mikewj

    I've been there, too, Roschelle. Horrible food, but we needed some money and were hoping to sue them for failing to watch our kids. Unfortunately, they did a pretty good job and all my kids are still alive and healthy. Bummer.

  • Mikewj

    Once, in Paris, I made the mistake of ordering head cheese thinking, “Hey, I'm in France, and I hear they make great cheese here so this is going to be good!” And then I got a white ceramic plate with a slice of what looked like gelatinized vomit on it. And then it had gelatinized vomit on it. Mine.

    I tried to sue CharlesDuFrommage over the incident, but, naturally, being American, the French courts tossed my case faster than I'd tossed my lunch.

    Fucking French.

    Speaking of the French, Celine Dion is an anagram of Lice Dine On. I'm not sure what that means, but I'll bet it has something to do with head cheese.

  • In Albuquerque, there was a law forbidding registered sex offenders from visiting the local public libraries. It was recently struck down and the city responded by opening the downtown branch to registered sex offenders on Wednesdays and Saturdays. They neglected to note that the library hosts “Toddler Story Hour” on Saturdays.

  • Damn it!!! Don't you hate when that happens. NOT your kids being alive and all….just not being able to sue…!!

  • Hey Lorena! Nicky's away for a couple of days, but as co-blogging cheese-fiend, I will personally extend your invitation to myself and gladly come check out your new blog!

    That said, she'll make it up to you when she returns:)

  • No, we will not.

    But there's hope. She built a giant ridiculous house and swimming pool in Florida, which I predict will be swallowed up by a sinkhole.

  • Hmm, she's also an anagram for Codeine Nil, which suggests painkillers, which one needs after hearing her. Not sure about the Nil part.

  • Omg a new friend! Squee!

    I hardly know what to do with myself.

  • Mikewj

    I was forced to listen to some Celine music last night, and now I'm praying for that sinkhole to open swallow her up.

  • Mikewj

    Yes, you do.

    CheesyMike's nice, plus he knows a lot about cheese, so be nice to him.

  • Mikewj

    No, I hate the whole thing. Dead kids=Bigger settlement, and more free time to enjoy it.

  • You are soooo bad!!

  • Hahahaha! After the gardener, hmmmm? And who is my sister named after? The milkman? The postman? The fishman?

  • I'm glad you like 🙂 Cheese puff crumbs, such a versatile cheese product good for “painting” a likeness of Elvis or snorting out your nose!

  • Nicky you are just too naughty. I love that in a girl!

  • Sadly, I think it's just because they can!

  • WWFC: Keeping families together since August 1, 2010. That'll be $50 please. Hey, therapists charge at least 3x that much. We're a bargain!

    Lorena, I am on my way over right now – I have the good cheese and the even better wine (how have you never had wine before?!) Of course I still love you, I just never click on your name to head over to your site (you're listed in my favourites) so I had no idea it had changed!

    CheesyMike had better not have eaten all the Cheetos!

  • Ha! I think this clearly demonstrates that Europeans are the cause of all the craziness in the world!

    And, no. Not ever.

  • Amen!

  • You could always rename your son Jen…it's not too late 🙂

  • Oh, for the love of Cheese! How incredibly stupid can they be?!

  • Gelatinized vomit…the other name for headcheese! It is disgusting, isn't it? Fucking French indeed.

    Celine Dion is also an anagram of Dice Online. But more importantly, she's also a synonym of gelatinized vomit.

  • Your sister Maria Rosita Conchita Juanita Esperanza Marvilla Jones is named after her grandmothers. All of them. Actually her name is Fatima. I'm kidding.

  • Wow. My horse wears a mask just like that…. I can’t believe the idiot who couldn’t be bothered watching her own kid actually got a settlement. I need to find some bogus crap to sue someone for. I love “Mary” in human resources. LOL! Don’t we all just know someone like that? And that cheese curd throwing thing…? What a thing to do to a perfectly nice cheese curd. Thanks for these little flashes of cheese humor brilliance.

  • Maybe you could bring Mason or Dixie there and then sue them for not watching them? They're so messed up at Chuck's, they'll probably never notice that Mason and Dixie aren't children! “Mary” is completely ficticious and any resemblance to a colleague of mine in human resources was totally a coincidence 😉 Cheese is a terrible thing to waste. Thank you for that lovely compliment!

  • Seriously, the craziest stories have been coming from Chuck E. Cheese franchises!

  • I know! The only upside is that they give me plenty of material for my cheese news posts!! If this franchise folds, cheese in the news might get much smaller 🙂

  • They certainly are a plethora of funny blog post material!

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » Cheese In The News – Vol. 14()

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