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Our Family Is Growing

This looks like what I sound like. Or is that this sounds like what I look like?

I bet you couldn’t tell by reading that I am feeling under the weather, could you? Nope, which is why I was compelled to write something. You see, to you, my voice may still sound like a smoky, sexy Kathleen Turner instead of a screechy, grating Roseanne. Also, because co-blogger Mike is off in his canoe somewhere, I promised I would attempt to fill the void left by his absence. So here I am, tired, feverish, possibly breathing my last rattling breath, writing to entertain you. Or at least kill a few minutes while you’re waiting for your popcorn to finish popping. Selflessness, thy name is Nicky.

Anyway, I slept away most of the afternoon and awoke to discover that all is not as it should be in my House Of Cheese. For those of you not “in the know”, my family is currently comprised of myself, my man, my 3 boys and my cat, Lola. Lola is the only other female in the house besides me. No, neither Lola nor I are knocked up. We are both females of the “fixed” persuasion.

Last week, we discovered an uninvited guest in our house. Meet Charlotte. Original, I know. What can I tell you? My kids are lucky they didn’t end up like George Foreman’s kids. Now, my dear friend Linda told a lovely story about her parents-in-law’s pet spider (and I would link to it if I could find it!) which rendered me unable to kill the little bugger.

Since she spun her web in the kitchen window, I figured it wouldn’t be so terrible to let her stay. I always leave that window open and this way Charlotte could dispose of any creepy crawlies that dared to enter. And her web was actually quite pretty. Welcome to the family Charlotte.

But this afternoon, as I said, everything changed. Charlotte, the little tramp, is considerably fatter than she was last week. Noticeably fatter. Now I’m Googling the gestational period for spiders. Linda, could you please write a post about how to deal with an impending spider infestation?

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  • Ugh, sorry you’re not feeling very well. I hate being sick. I’m actually feeling pretty under the weather myself lately.

    But as crappy as you may feel, you still made me laugh when I read, “We are both females of the “fixed” persuasion.” Aahahahhahaha!

    Now as far as spiders are concerned? I cant give you any answers to your questions because I am absolutely terrified of them! As well documented right here: http://mommamiameaculpa.com/?p=1333

  • Hope you’re feeling better soon. as for charlotte, she wouldn’t have made it through the first encounter at my house. i’m kinda tyrannical like that (about my territory anyway).

    i would imagine myself in a deep sleep one night only to find charlotte nibbling on my leg, arm, foot, side of my face, or other personal parts too sensitive to mention here. because of this deep rooted fear charlotte would have been terminated immediately.

    sorry charlotte.

  • It does suck being sick! I hope you feel better too. BTW, did you get my email?

    Yeah, I always joke that the vet was having a two-for-one special when I brought Lola in 🙂

    Holy crap, girl! That story is AWESOME! Your dad is a hero.

  • I haven’t checked my emails in a few days, but I will check them now!
    And yes, my dad is my hero! All that for a HAIR CLIP!
    Ahahhahahahahhaha

  • Thanks Roschelle! I’m starting to feel better already. Charlotte and I had a little talk when we first met, and we’ve come to an understanding. I will share my kitchen with her, but she’s not allowed in the bedroom, and most certainly not up on the bed! She’s been very respectful of these parameters. That, and all the juicy bugs are by the kitchen window. 🙂

  • PS How RUDE of me… see what a good writer you are? I was so wrapped up in the spider story I forgot you were sick! I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!!

  • Oh no WAY. NO WAY. WE had a spider in OUR window and WE named her Charlotte and OUR Charlotte was a HARLOT and she made an egg sack and they HATCHED! Actually none got in the house – and with our old rattly windows they could have if they had wanted too. They probably looked in and went, “nahhhh.” But honestly, it was fascinating to watch how it all came about – the kids checked her every day and her eggs… it was really neat when the babies hatched!

  • Yuck! Charlotte would have been called Ugly-Ass-Devil-Spider-From-Hell over here and immidiately met a gruesome death by flattening, followed by a toilet flush burial.

    But since it’s your spider and it’s not on the same continent as I am, I won’t tell you to kill it. In fact, I think you should take lots of pictures of the millions of baby spiders that are going to roam your house, eatng their way into your body at night, leaving their egg sacks under your skin before killing Lola and leaving her body for you to trip over when you’re screaming in terror and trying to kill the spiders coming out of your own face. Lots and lots of pictures.

    Hope you feel better soon!

  • See, the problem is kinda like the horror movie “The call is coming from INSIDE the house!”. Charlotte is in my kitchen. Her babies will probably look OUTSIDE and say “naahhhhh”. And you know how kids are, they never listen! They’ll wander around, touching everything, playing ball in the house, drinking grape juice in the living room and jumping on my BED! I may need to move.

  • LOL, thank you. For the compliment and the well-wishes!

  • Um…thanks Ziva. Really.

  • Knowing you Nicky, I am aware you don’t need your boys or your man to take care of a spider. Everyone else is content to let the spider be?

    Spiders are the only type of “creepy crawlies” with whom I am willing to share my abode. I figure if they are there, there are bugs that need eating.
    But I train them and their webs may not be visible. What would company think?

  • Jepeto

    Spiders are awesome. After being humped by a male they are the decency to eat him.

  • Anonymous

    Ah-ha! I’m held breathless by this web of intrigue. Way to spin a tale.

  • I hate spiders. It’s bad enough that I feel guilty killing cockroaches because I read the book, Shoebag, to my kids last year. (their names come from where they are born, Under the Toaster, Drainboard, etc) – now every one I see is someones mom or dad looking for food for their starving kids. I’m a psychopath and kill them anyway. As far as spiders, my husband think that a spider brings good luck, so if I see one I tell him and he’ll get it outside – I talk and yell at these critters like they understand me.

  • Ack! I hate spiders, too, yet I’ve learned that they are ‘good’ insects and now tolerate them. Still, they creep me out. No worries, though, I doubt the babies will infest – I lived in a house near a forested valley and we had tons of spiders, but none ever infested the house.

    Sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling good. I’ve been feeling crappy myself for the last few wedks – it’s gotta be the heat. Feel better soon!

  • Nicky, Darling, I’m worried sick. Do I need to fly this afternoon to come and take care of you? Just say the word, Honey, and I’ll be there. I’m so sorry you are under the weather.

    Now, about Charlotte. She is perfectly lovely. I doubt that she is preggers though. She just ate some mosquitoes and perhaps flies. We want her to eat well, and keep those nasty buggers out of your home.

    Darling, spiders are good. We must treasure them. Unless they bite me and then I will go all non-zen on their asses, believe you me. I saw a spider hatching in the back yard and it was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. There were hundreds of little tiny golden spiders tossing up little webs and taking off with the breeze. Honest it was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen.

    Right now, forget about Charlotte and take care of Nicky. Nicky is so important to so many, including me. Charlotte, eh, not so much.

  • Is everyone else content to let the spider be? That question implies I am concerned with their opinions. Silly boy!

    I don’t think anyone visiting me would notice my spider webs. I think the toys, dirty laundry, dirty dishes and dirty children will blind them to the webs.

  • Yes, some spider females HAVE the decency to eat the males after they mate. Some male spiders should also thank their lucky stars they found a female spider who will even look at them twice.

  • Haha! Thanks dufus. Oh the tangled web I weave! I’m glad you enjoyed 🙂

  • I actually really don’t mind spiders. Cockroaches, though, are the ultimate in evil! I don’t care if they have names, that just means there will be something to inscribe on their teeny tiny headstones!!

  • Did they ever hatch inside your house though? We have lots of spiders too. We live near the river. But I don’t know if, when they hatch, they stick around or not.

    Thanks dozo. I’m feeling better today and expect I’ll be back to my old self in a day or two, tops. I hope you feel better too 🙂

  • Thank you hon, I’m feeling better, although I am very tempted to lie and say I feel like death, please come take care of me just so I could finally meet you!

    Charlotte is lovely, and quite well-mannered. I just keep worrying that the babies won’t get to fly away because the window isn’t open wide enough or the breeze keeps blowing them back inside or worse, the breeze blows them all over my house! I guess I’ll just have to figure out what to do when and if this happens.

    I will take care of myself. And thank you *hugs*

  • I’m am glad to hear you are better, but I’m still coming to take care of
    you. I’ll bring the nurse’s outfit. I’m actually a good nurse! Poor
    baby!

    Don’t worry about the 8 legged Charlotte’s babies. I’m sure they will
    fly away right after she has them.

    xxxooxx

  • Mikewj

    I know this might seem off topic, but who is Jepeto to you? How do you know him? Where does he live? Does he leave the cap off the toothpaste at your place, or drop the bath towels on the floor? Is Jepeto a code name for “my man?”

    Sorry about that. I’m a very curious person.

  • Mikewj

    Thank you for propping yourself up one last time to keep us from getting bored. If it helps, now you can pass into the next life without any unresolved business and feel at peace so that you don’t have to do any of that spooky “Sixth Sense” kind of crap that some ghosts apparently do.

    As for the best method for dealing with spider infestations, I suggest moving into a pest-free home. I have heard that there are very few bugs and such inside the arctic circle, and being as how you’re already in Canada, it probably wouldn’t take you long to get there.

  • Jepeto

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! I met Nicky at work. I live in the beautiful province of Quebec. I drop bath towels and leave the cap off at everybody’s house…and yes you are curious 🙂

  • You’re welcome. It’s nice to know my efforts are appreciated. I might just do that spooky Sixth Sense crap anyway. I think it could be fun.

    Thanks for the advice. I’m contacting a real estate agent right now. The arctic circle. I don’t think it should add more than 15 or 20 minutes to my daily commute.

  • Thanks, Nicky. It’s a bit cooler here this morning (I should speak so soon) and my ‘plumbing’ has settled down a bit.

    I doubt the babies will hang around in or outside your house – they tend to run away before momma gets hungry or other males come and try to eat them. Ha, I used to come home from work and watch spider fights in the windows. The females defend their egg sack from predators and will bounce/shake her web as a warning. If they don’t get the hint, momma runs over and, well, it’s like WWE, but without the chairs.

  • I thought they laid eggs. Wasn’t that what happened in the movie? Ugh, I’ll trade you a pregnant Charlotte for three unnamed hermit crabs.

  • Jen, don’t remember Wilbur (the pig) carrying Charlotte’s sac in the movie “Charlotte’s Web”?

  • Jen, don’t remember Wilbur (the pig) carrying Charlotte’s sac in the movie “Charlotte’s Web”?

  • Mikewj

    “Some male spiders should also thank their lucky stars they found a female spider who will even look at them twice.”

    Nosey, actually. But that line sounded a lot like something a wife might say to a husband–or a man to his woman–and I couldn’t stop myself from asking. It’s a professional hazard.

  • Mikewj

    Wait, the professional part of my brain just kicked in again and I realized that your answer is unclear, perhaps deliberately. So to be direct, is the mysterious Jepeto also Nicky’s “man?”

  • Michael, if Nicky wanted you to know who her man is, she would have named him to you as she did to me and Ziva. Obviously, you are not to be fully trusted with such delicate and personal information, because of it being a journalistic professional hazard.

  • Michael, if Nicky wanted you to know who her man is, she would have named him to you as she did to me and Ziva. Obviously, you are not to be fully trusted with such delicate and personal information, because of it being a journalistic professional hazard.

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » I Can’t Tell A Lie, Pa; You Know I Can’t Tell A Lie()

  • Brookeamanda

    Kill her! Kill her now! Do you know that the average person swallows 6 spiders per year in their sleep?! Just thought I’d throw that little fact at ya:) Now imagine if Charlotte gives birth to a litter of baby spiders…your chances of eating one of those guys just quadrupled. Sleep tight!

  • Unfortunately, I don’t have a pig who can carry Charlotte and her babies to you and I’m afraid she won’t survive the trip if I send her UPS. I guess I’ll just have to decline your very generous offer. Thanks anyway, though. I really appreciate it 🙂

  • Welcome Brookeamanda! Wow. Thanks you. I did not know that. I’ll go to sleep a little less stupid and a lot more Saran Wrap-ed tonight. 🙂 Are you by any chance related to Ziva?

    BTW, if you add your link when you leave your comment, I can visit you too…

  • Perhaps it is time to relocate Charlotte. I don’t like to kill anything either, so I have an old plastic carton and a piece of cardboard. Pop the carton over the critter, slide the cardboard underneath and march it off to its new digs in the far corner of the yard.

  • I use a clear plastic cup, and the postcard to removed things. But in the hear of the last few days, we had windows open and I was delighted to see spiderwebs all over those open windows. We get a lot of mosquitoes in summer and our little 8 legged friends love to catch and eat them.

  • I use a clear plastic cup, and the postcard to removed things. But in the hear of the last few days, we had windows open and I was delighted to see spiderwebs all over those open windows. We get a lot of mosquitoes in summer and our little 8 legged friends love to catch and eat them.

  • You know, I never thought of relocating her (sometimes I am sooo dumb!). I think I will. It just seems a bit of a shame considering how hard she worked on her web.

  • That’s the thing, I really don’t mind spiders since they get rid of all the really pesky bugs. I just don’t want HUNDREDS of them. Seems a little much.

  • I really don’t mind them either. Unless they bite me. Actually, it’s kind of interesting to watch them spinning those amazing webs! I wish I could do that. And then catch stuff in it to eat that tasted really really good.

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