Cheese In The News – Vol. 14

It's hard to tell one day from another when they all suck.

A Day Late And Several Dollars Short 

 September’s edition of Cheese In The News is a little late because I forgot the old “30 days hath September” poem and subsequently believed today was September 31st. I was going to try and make some witty comment here, or try to blame the error on being overworked or my pathetic public school education, but in the end I think I’ll stick with honesty. Yes, I’m just that stupid.

I was looking for EU images and I found this. I smell a Finnish conspiracy!


Those Nasty Europeans Are At It Again!

I reported a couple months ago how the European Union was sticking it to Canadian negotiators by insisting we couldn’t use the name feta or even feta-style for our cheese because it isn’t from the imaginary land of Feta. Well, now they’ve gone and turned their eyes to the not so imaginary land down under. They want to prevent Tasmanian cheesemakers from using names like Camembert, brie and feta. Cheesemaker Ashley McCoy says a lot of the names that may be protected have become generic terms. “…80 per cent of the cheese in Australia is cheddar cheese, so if we can’t call it cheddar, what do we call it?” I vote for renaming it “You sent a bunch of criminals to colonize this country and now expect us not to steal the names of your fancyshmancy products hahahahahaahahahaha”. Kinda catchy, don’t you think?

What do you mean, I was supposed to be a girl so you're naming me Chelsea?!

Now They Tell Me!

Mothers who want a baby girl should cut out bananas and go on a diet of beans and hard cheese, scientists claim. The trick, the scientists say, is to refrain from eating sodium and potassium-rich foods, and instead concentrate on foods rich in calcium and magnesium, like yogurt, hard cheese, canned salmon, rhubarb, spinach, tofu, almonds, oatmeal, broccoli, oranges, Brazil and cashew nuts, whole wheat cereals, figs and beans. The scientists also recommend having regular sex. Huh. It would appear I’ve been having irregular sex for years. Mothers who want sons should contact me. I’ve got spares.

A Good Education Can Help You Overcome So Many Obstacles 

Want to learn the secrets of making artisan cheese? “A lot of creameries here have had a hard time finding cheesemakers,” said the unfortunately named Maureen Cunnie, production manager at Cowgirl Creamery. Beginning next week, 40 fromagers-to-be will be taking part in the first certificate programme in artisan cheesemaking at the College of Marin’s Indian Valley Campus. The class introduces students to the basics of cheesemaking. College officials and cheesemakers say they were surprised at the enthusiasm for the introductory course, which has a waiting list of about 20 students. Yet Cowgirl’s Cunnie believes there’s another reason cheesemaking is on the rise in Marin County. “We’re a community in which all the cheesemakers in the guild help each other a lot,” Cunnie said. “What kind of vats should you buy for your aging rooms? What kind of floors did you get? What should you do when your last name is Cunnie, you work for Cowgirl Creamery and you forget to ask the journalist quoting you NOT to call you Cowgirl’s Cunnie in an article that will be published on the Internet for all the world to see? …In Marin County, we really help each other with all of these decisions.” I don’t know about you, but I’m sold. 

Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyaaaah Nyah
 CEC Entertainment Inc., the parent company of the Chuck E. Cheese’s chain, was one of 48 national food and beverage companies to receive a subpoena in late August from the Federal Trade Commission. The agency is investigating whether the targeted companies are improperly marketing to children. The investigation is tied into federal government’s efforts to combat childhood obesity, as well as reducing children’s exposure to pedophiles, armed robbers, murderers, and in-breeders pounding the crap out of each other. During a speech last year, FTC chairman Jon Leibowitz singled out CEC among several other companies for their alleged failure to “make a commitment” to responsible marketing practices or even a somewhat decent pizza. CEC officials are expected to comment after they have reviewed the subpoena and asked their Magic 8-Ball for advice.
And If The Perverts, Robbers And Killers Don’t Getchya… 

Popular kids restaurant Chuck E. Cheese’s is calling on parents to take away toys given away as part of promotions. The restaurant is working with Health Canada and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission to recall 1.1 million light-up rings and 120,000 sets of star eyeglasses. Apparently, if they’re broken or pulled apart (and what kid breaks or pulls apart their toys, right?) a small battery inside is exposed. One child has already swallowed the battery, which could cause damage to the stomach, esophagus or intestine. Another stuffed the battery up his nose causing it to glow. His parents have since sold him to Santa.  Parents who do not want to sell their children to Santa are being asked to take the toys away from children immediately and return them to any Chuck E. Cheese’s location. The company is offering a $1 refund for the rings, along with four Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens, or a soccer promo cup, along with four tokens and a pedophile in a pear tree. 

Not the ridiculously expensive sandwich, but doesn't it look good just the same?

Do You Get Fries With That?

Chef Martin Blunos has unveiled what might be the world’s most expensive cheese sandwich. He’s charging 111 pounds, or $176 ( although another site lists the price tag at $184), for the stack of special cheddar blended with white truffles and topped with a sprinkling of gold dust.  “We Brits are known to love our cheese sandwiches, and here’s one that is fit for the banqueting table. We’re also known for 007 and Sherlock Holmes, but this sandwich has nothing to do with them. The white truffle fuses beautifully with the West Country cheddar, yes I said cheddar you bloody Euro-wankers, and the edible gold gives it a really special look, not to mention how it makes your pooh sparkle” he told the British paper. So, what’s in this bad boy? A loaf of sourdough bread, extra virgin olive oil, cheese, slices of quail egg, tomato, apple, fresh figs, mustard frills, pea shoots, herb red amaranth and a classy layer of edible gold dust. What, no Hellman’s?   

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