Cheese In The News – Vol. 14

It's hard to tell one day from another when they all suck.

A Day Late And Several Dollars Short 

 September’s edition of Cheese In The News is a little late because I forgot the old “30 days hath September” poem and subsequently believed today was September 31st. I was going to try and make some witty comment here, or try to blame the error on being overworked or my pathetic public school education, but in the end I think I’ll stick with honesty. Yes, I’m just that stupid.

I was looking for EU images and I found this. I smell a Finnish conspiracy!


Those Nasty Europeans Are At It Again!

I reported a couple months ago how the European Union was sticking it to Canadian negotiators by insisting we couldn’t use the name feta or even feta-style for our cheese because it isn’t from the imaginary land of Feta. Well, now they’ve gone and turned their eyes to the not so imaginary land down under. They want to prevent Tasmanian cheesemakers from using names like Camembert, brie and feta. Cheesemaker Ashley McCoy says a lot of the names that may be protected have become generic terms. “…80 per cent of the cheese in Australia is cheddar cheese, so if we can’t call it cheddar, what do we call it?” I vote for renaming it “You sent a bunch of criminals to colonize this country and now expect us not to steal the names of your fancyshmancy products hahahahahaahahahaha”. Kinda catchy, don’t you think?

What do you mean, I was supposed to be a girl so you're naming me Chelsea?!

Now They Tell Me!

Mothers who want a baby girl should cut out bananas and go on a diet of beans and hard cheese, scientists claim. The trick, the scientists say, is to refrain from eating sodium and potassium-rich foods, and instead concentrate on foods rich in calcium and magnesium, like yogurt, hard cheese, canned salmon, rhubarb, spinach, tofu, almonds, oatmeal, broccoli, oranges, Brazil and cashew nuts, whole wheat cereals, figs and beans. The scientists also recommend having regular sex. Huh. It would appear I’ve been having irregular sex for years. Mothers who want sons should contact me. I’ve got spares.

A Good Education Can Help You Overcome So Many Obstacles 

Want to learn the secrets of making artisan cheese? “A lot of creameries here have had a hard time finding cheesemakers,” said the unfortunately named Maureen Cunnie, production manager at Cowgirl Creamery. Beginning next week, 40 fromagers-to-be will be taking part in the first certificate programme in artisan cheesemaking at the College of Marin’s Indian Valley Campus. The class introduces students to the basics of cheesemaking. College officials and cheesemakers say they were surprised at the enthusiasm for the introductory course, which has a waiting list of about 20 students. Yet Cowgirl’s Cunnie believes there’s another reason cheesemaking is on the rise in Marin County. “We’re a community in which all the cheesemakers in the guild help each other a lot,” Cunnie said. “What kind of vats should you buy for your aging rooms? What kind of floors did you get? What should you do when your last name is Cunnie, you work for Cowgirl Creamery and you forget to ask the journalist quoting you NOT to call you Cowgirl’s Cunnie in an article that will be published on the Internet for all the world to see? …In Marin County, we really help each other with all of these decisions.” I don’t know about you, but I’m sold. 

Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyaaaah Nyah
 CEC Entertainment Inc., the parent company of the Chuck E. Cheese’s chain, was one of 48 national food and beverage companies to receive a subpoena in late August from the Federal Trade Commission. The agency is investigating whether the targeted companies are improperly marketing to children. The investigation is tied into federal government’s efforts to combat childhood obesity, as well as reducing children’s exposure to pedophiles, armed robbers, murderers, and in-breeders pounding the crap out of each other. During a speech last year, FTC chairman Jon Leibowitz singled out CEC among several other companies for their alleged failure to “make a commitment” to responsible marketing practices or even a somewhat decent pizza. CEC officials are expected to comment after they have reviewed the subpoena and asked their Magic 8-Ball for advice.
And If The Perverts, Robbers And Killers Don’t Getchya… 

Popular kids restaurant Chuck E. Cheese’s is calling on parents to take away toys given away as part of promotions. The restaurant is working with Health Canada and the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission to recall 1.1 million light-up rings and 120,000 sets of star eyeglasses. Apparently, if they’re broken or pulled apart (and what kid breaks or pulls apart their toys, right?) a small battery inside is exposed. One child has already swallowed the battery, which could cause damage to the stomach, esophagus or intestine. Another stuffed the battery up his nose causing it to glow. His parents have since sold him to Santa.  Parents who do not want to sell their children to Santa are being asked to take the toys away from children immediately and return them to any Chuck E. Cheese’s location. The company is offering a $1 refund for the rings, along with four Chuck E. Cheese’s tokens, or a soccer promo cup, along with four tokens and a pedophile in a pear tree. 

Not the ridiculously expensive sandwich, but doesn't it look good just the same?

Do You Get Fries With That?

Chef Martin Blunos has unveiled what might be the world’s most expensive cheese sandwich. He’s charging 111 pounds, or $176 ( although another site lists the price tag at $184), for the stack of special cheddar blended with white truffles and topped with a sprinkling of gold dust.  “We Brits are known to love our cheese sandwiches, and here’s one that is fit for the banqueting table. We’re also known for 007 and Sherlock Holmes, but this sandwich has nothing to do with them. The white truffle fuses beautifully with the West Country cheddar, yes I said cheddar you bloody Euro-wankers, and the edible gold gives it a really special look, not to mention how it makes your pooh sparkle” he told the British paper. So, what’s in this bad boy? A loaf of sourdough bread, extra virgin olive oil, cheese, slices of quail egg, tomato, apple, fresh figs, mustard frills, pea shoots, herb red amaranth and a classy layer of edible gold dust. What, no Hellman’s?   

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  • Nicky, I want that sandwich! I need that sandwich! I want to give some to Alex and Honey and Harry and Smokey. I want us all to have sparkly poo! College of Marin is near us. I will go there and find any girl named Cowgirl Cunnie and take her photo for you, me and Ziva. She sounds too good to be true doesn’t she? It’s amazing I ever had children at all since I lived on “hot salads” when I was preggers both times. Hot salads were tostada’s that sizzled. Yum!

  • Sparkly pooh is the new black 🙂 Unfortunately, you’ll have to go all the way across the pond to get it.

    College of Marin is near you? I so need to go to California!!

    I ate everything that didn’t run away screaming when I was pregnant. It’s amazing I didn’t have decaplets (that’s 10 babies at a time, and yes, I had to look it up!)

  • OMG. I want to eat a sammich laced with gold dust too!

    BUT….I would ONLY pay $184 for the sandwich that makes sparkly poo if they also promised to add Hellman’s Mayo!

  • I’m sure they would add it if you ask nicely! 🙂

  • I’ll take my sammy minus the quail eggs. “Sold him to Santa” made me spit coffee all over the monitor. No worries, though, I’m at work.

  • Hi Rachele! Thanks for visiting! The sandwich minus the quail eggs subsequently becomes extremely reasonably priced at $183.50. I’d be interested to see what wine you would choose with it 🙂

    Glad you enjoyed the post (although I’m pretty sure I’m now on Santa’s naughty list) and I’m relieved your home computer remains dry 🙂

  • 🙂

  • Mikewj

    That sandwich sounds good, but I’m not willing to examine my poop to see if it sparkles–although, given my charming and witty personality, I assume it already does.

    Cowgirl Creamery’s production manager is named Maureen Cunnie? Seriously? Good thing she doesn’t work for my favorite Denver ice cream shoppe, Liks.

    Speaking of ice cream, what’s regular sex? Does it include spanking, chocolate syrup and baby oil? I hope so. I don’t anybody to think I’m weird.

    Now, if you should need to reach me, I am going to be very busy for a couple of weeks. I’m going to be out collecting as many CEC light-up rings as I can get my hands on. At a $1 a piece, I should be rich by Halloween.

  • Mikewj

    Send me the photo, too. I have to know what somebody named Cowgirl Cunnie looks like.

  • Mikewj

    Quail eggs are good. Like regular eggs, but smaller.

  • But examining your poop is part of the whole experience! Oh, fine. I still think you’re missing out on the whole “added-value” of this sandwich, but whatever!

    I kid you not. Her name is Maureen Cunnie. And the line “Yet Cowgirl’s Cunnie believes there’s another reason cheesemaking is on the rise in Marin County” is a direct quote from the article. I read it at least a half a dozen times in disbelief. If she worked for Liks, I think the article would have been featured in Playboy!

    Apparently, since I’ve only been able to churn out boy after boy, I don’t know what regular sex is but for what it’s worth, I don’t think ice cream, spanking, chocolate syrup and baby oil makes you weird.

    I will be expecting a cut of your fortune, having provided you with the method used to acquire your wealth.

  • Okay, if they’re gonna jack up the names of our cheeses they need to expect public outcry and a revolt complete with pitchforks and torches. (Finally, a use for the pitchfork that’s been sitting in my shed for the last 15 years.)

    However, if they are intent on doing it anyway, they need to come up with a symbol — like Prince did — and then print “The cheese formerly known as (fill in the blank.)”

    For instance, they could print a closed fist with the middle finger up as the symbol to go with “The cheese formerly known as Cheddar.”

  • Am I the only one here who would settle for iron shavings atop that cheese sandwich?

  • LMFAO CG! That is BRILLIANT!! I just snorted at work. Thank you!!!

    So far, they’ve only pulled this stunt with Canada and Australia. I’m curious to see if they’ll try it with the US as well.

  • Um…iron shavings?

  • Ahahahaahaha!

  • Mikewj

    It does look pretty damn good, even with iron instead of gold.

  • Mikewj

    I guess some people are into poop, but not me. I have a sister in law who talks about poop 24/7, except maybe when she’s sleeping, which I guess means she talks about it 16/7, approximately. I don’t understand her, and I try to avoid her at all costs.

  • Disqus hates me. I’ve tried to comment here a couple of times, but I kept getting blown off (and I’m not even a guy)!

    Heh, heh.

    To make my original comment short … the first time I heard the term, “cunnie” was down here and that was not too many years ago. I shit you not! Okay, so not only do I live on a rock, I also live under one. Go figure. An unfortunate name, indeed.

  • I can understand why! Ewwww. I’m not saying you should be into poop, but when your poop is all sparkly with gold dust, I just think it deserves a bit of attention 🙂

  • Disqus can be very stupid sometimes! I’m glad you were finally able to comment.

    It is a shame, isn’t it? Her name, that is – not that you live on a rock, or under a rock, or only heard the term so recently. 🙂

  • For $184, I’d have to wear the sandwich around for at least a week before I ate it. Edible gold dust? really?

  • I couldn’t care less about the sparkly poo, but finally the EU is doing something about those thieving Tasmanians. we can’t help it if they’re too unimaginative to make their own products. If you steal European products, you sure as hell won’t steal the names as well. But you’re very welcome to use any of the following instead of Cheddar: Fakeddar, Chedfake, Cheese Product Similar to the Wonderful European Cheddar and Scheddar.

  • Leeuna! Glad to have you back 🙂

    Yup, edible gold dust for real. I never make up the cheese news, although I freely admit to a lack of objectivity in reporting it 🙂

  • Hahahahaha! Love those name choices, especially Cheese Product Similar to the Wonderful European Cheddar. Correct me if I’m wrong, though, don’t you dislike cheese, you lovely, misguided, Finnish/Swedish/European? I hope you’re feeling better, love 🙂

  • Clever, clever, clever and… oh, yes — clever! I think this is your best cheese report ever. Marin County is my old stomping ground. It doesn’t surprise me that they would have a guild that helped all its members out. It’s a pretty mellow place.

    So the sandwich is made with a whole loaf of bread, huh? Then I guess you could split it among a group and it wouldn’t be that expensive. I mean, we’ve all got to have a sandwich with edible gold at least once in our lives.

  • Why, thank you Jayne. That means a great deal to me coming from you.

    When I was reading that article, and subsequent research, about Marin County I kept thinking it sounded like a mellow place, very neighbourly.

    Splitting the cost of the sandwich between a group is a great idea, but unfortunately we would still have to incur the cost of flying to the UK and hotels, etc. I was actually thinking of trying to reproduce it here for us to review, but where the hell does one buy edible gold dust?!

  • Use saffron. It’s almost as expensive. 😉


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