I Could Be A Contender

It’s election time in ‘Merica. I know this because I haven’t seen very many car commercials in a while. Toyota isn’t trying to convince me my car won’t go kaboom as much as they used to. Mike Rowe isn’t telling me how I can get my dirty jobs done with a Ford truck. But, candidate after candidate is telling me that their opponent is a lying, scheming, cheating, greedy, corrupt menace to society. They also keep telling me things like: “I’m you”, “They’ve had their turn, now it’s our turn”, “Let’s take back *insert name of city/state/country*”.


I have an announcement to make. I’m running for mayor/treasurer/auditor/governor/senator/president of your city/state/country/very existence. Hey, I figure if those other candidates are me, and it’s now our turn and they want us to take back Whereverville, then why should anybody vote for them when they can vote for me directly and cut out the middleman?

Now, since I’m running for office, I need a platform. I need to let you all know where I stand on the issues. Most importantly, you need to know what I’ll do for you if I’m elected. I will willingly and happily provide all this information for you. I am a very open and honest person and I don’t believe that should change just because I am now in politics and will soon be running your lives. (Heh, I nearly wrote ruining your lives by mistake! See, I told you I was honest!) 

So. Where do I stand on the issues? Well, normally I stand in the way of issues. I don’t do this deliberately, it just seems to happen. I’ll be standing around, minding my own business, and someone always comes along and says “We have an issue.” Weird, isn’t it? I’m all like “But I was just standing here minding my own business. ” and the other person is all like “I need you to resolve this issue or we won’t be able to move forward.” I usually just try moving off to one side, but somehow that doesn’t help us move forward. Then I have to do a whole bunch of other stuff that I really don’t feel like doing in order to get out of the way of the issue so we can move forward. Until the next issue comes along.

What will I do for you if I’m elected? Well, I promise I won’t stand in the way of your issues. I’ll just spend most of the day in bed avoiding them. I also won’t raise your taxes, although I won’t pay mine anymore either. Hey, perks of the job, ok? And speaking of jobs, I will create jobs. See, I’ll have to resign from my current position in order to become your Supreme Leader, so there will be an opening. The person hired to replace me will have to leave their job to take mine, so then somebody else will get that one. And so on, and so forth. Also, as the Big Shot In Charge, I’ll need to hire my entourage. Entourage = more jobs. Next, I will finally settle the whole problem of health care by euthanizing anyone who gets sick.

What? Oh. My campaign manager has just informed me that I apologize for my last statement. I was exhausted from my gruelling campaign schedule and misspoke. 

I will solve the health care problem by sending everybody chicken soup. And leeches. I will end all wars by sending everybody cookies. And milk. Really, how can anyone even think of fighting when they’re dunking their cookies in milk?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Nicky, you’re Canadian, we can’t vote for you. Listen, if everybody, all over the USA votes for me, what else can the current administration do but concede? The people will have spoken. So, tell your family, your friends, your coworkers. Put an ad in your local paper. Place sign posts in your yard. Facebook it. Blog about it.  And, for the love of cheese, don’t forget to send in your campaign donations! You don’t have much time, so get to it!  

Please enjoy my campaign song while you’re writing out your cheques. Just ignore the occasional curse words. I think it describes me perfectly.

My name is Nicky, and I approved this message.

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