I Could Be A Contender

It’s election time in ‘Merica. I know this because I haven’t seen very many car commercials in a while. Toyota isn’t trying to convince me my car won’t go kaboom as much as they used to. Mike Rowe isn’t telling me how I can get my dirty jobs done with a Ford truck. But, candidate after candidate is telling me that their opponent is a lying, scheming, cheating, greedy, corrupt menace to society. They also keep telling me things like: “I’m you”, “They’ve had their turn, now it’s our turn”, “Let’s take back *insert name of city/state/country*”.


I have an announcement to make. I’m running for mayor/treasurer/auditor/governor/senator/president of your city/state/country/very existence. Hey, I figure if those other candidates are me, and it’s now our turn and they want us to take back Whereverville, then why should anybody vote for them when they can vote for me directly and cut out the middleman?

Now, since I’m running for office, I need a platform. I need to let you all know where I stand on the issues. Most importantly, you need to know what I’ll do for you if I’m elected. I will willingly and happily provide all this information for you. I am a very open and honest person and I don’t believe that should change just because I am now in politics and will soon be running your lives. (Heh, I nearly wrote ruining your lives by mistake! See, I told you I was honest!) 

So. Where do I stand on the issues? Well, normally I stand in the way of issues. I don’t do this deliberately, it just seems to happen. I’ll be standing around, minding my own business, and someone always comes along and says “We have an issue.” Weird, isn’t it? I’m all like “But I was just standing here minding my own business. ” and the other person is all like “I need you to resolve this issue or we won’t be able to move forward.” I usually just try moving off to one side, but somehow that doesn’t help us move forward. Then I have to do a whole bunch of other stuff that I really don’t feel like doing in order to get out of the way of the issue so we can move forward. Until the next issue comes along.

What will I do for you if I’m elected? Well, I promise I won’t stand in the way of your issues. I’ll just spend most of the day in bed avoiding them. I also won’t raise your taxes, although I won’t pay mine anymore either. Hey, perks of the job, ok? And speaking of jobs, I will create jobs. See, I’ll have to resign from my current position in order to become your Supreme Leader, so there will be an opening. The person hired to replace me will have to leave their job to take mine, so then somebody else will get that one. And so on, and so forth. Also, as the Big Shot In Charge, I’ll need to hire my entourage. Entourage = more jobs. Next, I will finally settle the whole problem of health care by euthanizing anyone who gets sick.

What? Oh. My campaign manager has just informed me that I apologize for my last statement. I was exhausted from my gruelling campaign schedule and misspoke. 

I will solve the health care problem by sending everybody chicken soup. And leeches. I will end all wars by sending everybody cookies. And milk. Really, how can anyone even think of fighting when they’re dunking their cookies in milk?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Nicky, you’re Canadian, we can’t vote for you. Listen, if everybody, all over the USA votes for me, what else can the current administration do but concede? The people will have spoken. So, tell your family, your friends, your coworkers. Put an ad in your local paper. Place sign posts in your yard. Facebook it. Blog about it.  And, for the love of cheese, don’t forget to send in your campaign donations! You don’t have much time, so get to it!  

Please enjoy my campaign song while you’re writing out your cheques. Just ignore the occasional curse words. I think it describes me perfectly.

My name is Nicky, and I approved this message.

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  • Hell, I’d vote for you Nicky!

    Maybe your platform could include banning the “cheese-like” names that are being demanded by the EU. Hey, feta is feta, whether it be a Greek goat or a Canadian one, right?? And, what about that?? How do the Greeks know that they don’t have Canadian goats in their flocks?? If we had Greek goat herders, would that placate them? (Trust me, I have nothing against Greeks – I love feta, souvlaki, etc.!)

    And, as for the wars … send in the clowns! Most of North Americans don’t like them anyway and, if they don’t get shot, the enemy might just laugh themselves to death. Either way, it’s win-win.

  • Dozo, I believe you have proven you are the right canidate to fill the first spot in my entourage as soon as I am elected.

  • Anonymous

    Many of those American candidates curd-le my stomach. Even though you’re parmesan, I bet you’d run a gouda campaign.

  • Why thank you Dufus! I may be parmesan, I do believe in bi-parmesanship, it’s true. What can I say? I have mastered the Kraft of diplomacy.

  • Jepeto

    I always fantasized about being the First Lady – Please elect her!

  • I will manage your campaign. You will win I’m sure. No, actually, that sounds too much like work. I’ll just be part of your entourage. We need to find just the right outfit for Jepeto for your inauguration. Black leather of course. Uhm, you are so much more electable than Sarah. I just don’t want those tea guys to get hold of you because it could ruin everything..

  • vickilikesfrogs

    I’d vote for ya! I would also give you a blog award. Oh, wait…I *did* give you a blog award! Stop by to pick it up! =)

  • Brookeamanda

    Well, I’m glad you know what’s going on politically in this country b/c I’m so confused. Didn’t we JUST elect Obama and now there’s ANOTHER election?!! I really need to start watching the news…

  • You’d be the prettiest First Lady ever.

  • You will definitely be part of my entourage! You and Alex and Honey and Harry can be my bodyguards, dispatching any Teaparty members who dare to come close!

  • Why, thank you Vicki! Most appreciated! I think I need to work on my acceptance speech….


  • NO! Do NOT watch the news!! You don’t need to know what’s going on. Just listen to what I tell you. That’s all you need to do. Remember ignorance is bliss. Stay ignorant, be blissful and VOTE FOR ME!! I’ll take care of everything, I promise 🙂

  • Anonymous

    I’ll vote or cheese then! I just know i am recieving a huge amount of mail flyers that just rip the candidate…they dont even say who they support – they just say “Mike blows, stinks, takes jobs, and would rape kids if possible”…and then that his opponent is NOT BEHIND IT…to funny.

  • I am so voting for YOU!

  • You mean you poor people are subjected to our political ads? I can’t believe Canada lets us send our toxic waste across your airwaves. Of course I’ll vote for you. May I come living in the mansion and be the official cheese taster? And I’m assuming everyone who votes for you receives a free pound of Cotswold.

  • Oh, no! Porn star guy in drag. My eyes! My eyes!

  • Honey, I would vote for you, but sadly I won’t be able to. Not because I’m not American, (I don’t think they’re that picky with who they allow to vote), but simply because I have just decided to run for whatever it is myself. Please feel free to step down and bow out gracefully before I spread those pictures of you and Jepeto bathing in cheese all over the internet.

  • Oh, so the gloves are off! Well, I refuse to bow out gracefully, or like the proverbial bull in a china shop! Bring it on Z, you don’t scare me! First off, nobody is going to be scandalized to find out that Jepeto and I bathed in cheese. Besides, you’re the one who took those pictures and you know what happened before and after and you should remember that Jepeto also had a camera, although, come to think of it, you may have forgotten due to the amazing amount of vodka you were ingesting! And secondly, well, I don’t remember what was secondly because I was distracted by the memory of you and the vodka and the cheese bath. Want to be Vice-Supreme Leader instead?

  • Yup, we get to see a good many of the candidates, especially the northern states. And ALL of their smear campaigns.

    I hereby decree you the official Cheese Taster of my realm. As such, you will be entitled to two free pounds of Cotswold. 🙂

  • You will be richly rewarded for your loyalty 🙂

  • It really is quite the spectacle! I appreciate your vote and the substantially large campaign donation you plan on sending me. What? I know you didn’t mention it, but I know you want to. 🙂

  • Wooooo hoooooo

  • LMAO!

  • Jepeto

    It is MY fantasy, leave it alone. (Now, where are those leopard high heel shoes…she comes back at 6, Max is at the daycare…oh shit that’s not lipstick it’s a goddam permanent red marker…fuuccck…paint thiner, paint thiner, think man!)

  • KZ

    “Why does Nicky say she works for cheese on some days, and for cookies and milk on other days? How can Nicky say she won’t stand in the way of your issues, when she is clearly standing in the way of the middleman? How can you trust Nicky to stay in bed all day if she is clearly the kind of person who runs herself ragged on the campaign trail, and who makes herself exhausted? How can you trust Nicky?”

    -I’m KZ, and I approved this message.

  • Oh, it’s like that, is it? Ok, then. You’ve left me no choice but to respond to your smear campaign by demonstrating just how you’ve corrupted my message and how you are attempting to mislead my supporters to serve your own political agenda. I do currently work for cheese. I did say I would quit my current job should I be elected. I did NOT say I would work for cookies and milk, I said I would end wars with cookies and milk. The middleman is not an issue, so even if I stood in front of the middleman, which I didn’t say I would do – I said I would cut out the middleman, I would still not be standing in front of an issue. I did not “run” myself ragged, I “typed” myself ragged. From bed. It is easy to trust me.

    KZ, not so much. 🙂

    My name is Nicky and I approve this debate.

  • KZ

    You are a worthy opponent. See you in November!

  • Mikewj

    Hey, we can READ this, you know. (Send photos, please. Cheese bath, shoes, etc.)

  • Mikewj

    All I want to know is, do you support babies? Because I’m not voting for anybody who doesn’t like babies and motherhood and such. Babies are cute.

  • Well, since Jepeto isn’t working at the moment, I currently support 4 babies. I like babies and motherhood, especially for other people. Babies are very cute, especially for other people.


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