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Does It Make Me A Bad Person?

I try to be a good person, but sometimes it’s a real challenge. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t actually try to be a good person, I just try to be good enough to NOT get into a fist fight, arrested, or fired. Oh, fine! I hear you snorting in disbelief. I try not to get arrested. OK?! Sheesh.

Last week, my son Jake came home and told me he’d signed up for a school fundraising project. My first thought was “Fuck. How much is this going to cost me and there better not be any fucking chocolate to sell.” Ok. So that wasn’t just my first thought. It was also what I said. Out loud. To my charitable, well-intentioned son. That makes me a bad person, doesn’t it? I thought so.

He explained to me, while rolling his eyes, that there were no chocolates to sell. Can you give me Hallelujah! Yes, I said that out loud too. Bad, bad Nicky.

Jake was fundraising for an organization called Free The Children. Free The Children was started in 1995 by a 12 year old Canadian boy named Craig Kielburger, after he read about the life and death of a child labourer. Gathering 11 of his classmates, Craig’s mission was to free children from poverty, from exploitation and from the notion that they are powerless to affect change. Today, the organization is the world’s largest network of children helping children through education, with more than one million youth involved in developing programmes in 45 countries.

Jake and his classmates were trying to raise enough money to build a school. Isn’t that admirable? They were holding a 24-hour vow of silence. I, of course, immediately thought of how this would make my life better. And, of course, I said so. I really am a horrible person. So, to make up for being so self-centered, I told Jake it would be my pleasure to sponsor him.

I believe my exact words were:

“I’ll give you 20 bucks if you shut up for 24 hours. I’ll give you a grand if you shut up for a year. I’ll give you two grand if you can convince the baby to shut up too.”

Ok, I crossed the line from bad person to outright evil, didn’t I?

Maybe there is hope for my redemption. This is an amazing, deserving organization. You can help support them by clicking here. Or, you can support someone who supported this organization by buying that someone’s calendar here. And if you buy it before the end of November, enter the promotional code  40CLNDRS2011 to save 40%! They make lovely Christmas gifts, so buy in bulk and save even more!

I am so going to Hell.

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  • Sheila Sultani

    God Nicky I love you – I think we were separated in the womb. Although I’d go with the much gentler and lyrical “fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck” and up the ante to $5000 for a year of silence. I love when a mom admits what she really thinks and says. I DESPISE any kind of fundraiser the school sends home – It’s funny how the first kid you go out of your way to buy or do something with everything that comes up but my poor daughter Laila who is in Kindergarten this year – forget it – I dump her at the bus stop and haven’t been in the school since. I am a bad parent. I have to say the fund raiser to build the school seems very admirable (as long as more than 1% of the funds earned actually go to the project)

  • Anonymous

    Considering what I’ve spent on my kids so far you’ve got me. I’m all for free children. Is it retroactive?

  • Then I’m going to hell with you – because those would have been my exact thoughts and statements as well!

  • Nicky, your son is a saint and I’m sure he will pray for you so you will still get into heaven. Free children? No thank you. Free puppies, maybe! Free kitties? Sure! Now on the other hand, I’d rather have someone selling chocolate than fucking magazine subscriptions. My grandkids are always hitting me up to buy fucking magazines. And since they go to Catholic schools, I can’t even say “Fucking magazines” to them. Still, I have gone on record to my son and his wife, Kate, “No more fucking magazines”. I hope they really understand. I’m kind of glad that the kids are all religious and shit because they will pray for me, just like your son will pray for you. I need to be forgiven for calling my son’s kids “no necks” when they were little. “Oh shit, here comes Katie and the no necks!” That requires a lot of prayer and maybe even penance. I don’t know.

  • Jepeto

    If i could pay for people to shut up i’d be broke, homeless and very happy.

  • Ahhh, Sheila! It’s good to know my honesty is appreciated. Jake, the big oaf, did not see the value in my earnest, heartfelt sentiments. Sigh. I’ve got two years before my youngest starts school. By my calculations, the school Jake and his friends helped build in Africa will be completed and I can send him there.

  • You mean WE, don’t you?

  • Hahahahaaha! No necks!!

    Maybe if we say a couple of “Hail Ziva, Full of Lace” we’ll be forgiven? No, I guess not.

    Fucking chocolates. Fucking magazines.

  • I am relieved to know that while I may be on my way to Hell, at least I’ll be in VERY good company! 🙂

  • Dufus, I knew I could count on you! I think we need to start an organization called Free The Parents! Our mission can be to free parents from the poverty they suffer after having children, from the exploitation of the public school system, and from the notion that child services taking the children away is a bad thing.

  • Actually, Nicky, fucking kids!

  • xoxoxo

  • Sheila, you crack me up! “Although I’d go with the much gentler and lyrical “fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck”

  • Mikewj

    Uh-oh. You kids aren’t having trouble, are you?

  • Mikewj

    Your words and behavior seem very normal to me, but then I hate fundraisers and refuse to participate in them. Naturally, this has made ,e extremely popular with our kids’ schools, my son’s hockey teams, Habitat for Humanity, The 11th Street Shelter, and numerous other charitable organizations.

  • Sheila Sultani

    2 years and counting until pure, unadulterated joy. I can’t believe I finally got rid of all of mine – although, they do have way too many holidays and what the hell is it with weekends and summers off?

  • I already have my spot in Hell picked out. My cardtable and folding chair will be constructed of rusted metal and both will have one leg that’s shorter than the other.Anytime I try to fold up some cards to level things off a small minion will make me listen to 17 toddlers having simultaneous tantrums. But my sarcasm will be left intact because they cannot take that away from me.

  • Hey chica, check your email, I’m a donor.

    And I would seriously pay my kid up to $50 to remain silent — sans nasty looks as well — for 24 hours. I know she can’t do it. But I’d consider it my Christmas present if she could.

    A mother can dream, right?

  • Seriously! It’s not like they need a “break” from hanging out with their friends, fundraising, wrestling class and staring out the window. That’s all they seem to do there. If they do anything else, I never hear about it.

  • CG, you ROCK! I don’t even know what to say. I guess I’ll start with THANK YOU!

    Jake successfully completed 24 hours of silence, so I can tell you that it is like Christmas and Easter and Halloween and Thanksgiving and your birthday all rolled into one. Priceless!

    Might I suggest you anonymously send the link for Free The Children’s website to your kids’ school?

  • Nope, just making sure he includes me in that Utopia!

  • There. You. Go.

    My words and behaviour seems normal. Jake, are you reading this? I told you it wasn’t just me. And it was written on the Internet, so you know it’s true! Hah!

    Thank you BonyMike, thank you.

  • Give me sarcasm, or give me death!

  • Ahahahahahah!

  • Jepeto

    Sometimes i wish people didn’t know our “marital status”. Can’t comment on 99% of humans without the readers thinking i bitch at you, me love. She’s in my 1%. Barely made it 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Sally Struthers approves of this blog!

  • Thank you Walt. That’s our new tagline.

  • Sometimes I wish I didn’t know our “marital status” 🙂

  • Jepeto

    THAT’S IT WOMAN! YOU CROSSED THE LINE!
    Hey baby what you want for supper? I love you.

  • I’m not sure how “broke and homeless” equals happiness. Must be a Canadian thing. Unless you think your love is all you need.
    BAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • Porn star guy cooks? Aw… that’s really nice. And says “I love you” in public. I think I’m beginning to warm to you.

  • Yet another reason I never had kids. Although $20 seems a bargain to shut someone up for 24 hours.

  • It was a total bargain! If only others would follow Jake’s lead…I’m thinking I’d start with my boss, my neighbour, telemarketers, anybody with the last name of Palin…

  • LMAO! But of course, love is all I need….well, love and valium 🙂

  • Like fungus, he grows on you. 🙂

  • Mikewj

    I’m going to turn the incredibly sweet story of your life together into a made-for-TV movie starring Melissa Gilbert and Bruce Boxleitner. I think I’ll call it “Nicky & Jepeto: Caged Heat.”

  • Mikewj

    You’re really funny, Nicky.

  • Thank you, Mikewj.

  • Melissa Gilbert?! I was thinking Evangeline Lily. Seriously, dude.

  • Jepeto

    MAIS C’EST FINI TOUT CE BORDEL OUI?

  • Jepeto

    i am not canadian tabarnak 😉
    Anyway we’ll all be broke and homeless in about a year. 2012. If they made a movie about it IT MUST be true. And the Mayans…ohhhhh…the Mayans.

  • Mikewj

    Evangeline Lilly will be the in HBO version of the movie, and there will be a lot more nudity than in the made-for-TV version, I assure you. And that Frenchie horndog Jepeto.

  • Mikewj

    Clever girl!

  • LOL at least I won’t be alone in hell 🙂 I wanted to stop by and wish all the Cheeseheads here a very Happy Thanksgiving. I am sure there will be tons of all kinds of goodies to eat, 🙂

  • Your son is a very good person. I can only assume you adopted him from a saint, or something. I wish I’d have known you could pay people to shut up sooner, it would’ve come in handy so many times. And my little brother would have been rich.

  • The Goddess Ziva does not forgive easlily. Unless you throw in a nice pair of shoes or lots of chocolate, of course, in which case you’re guaranteed a place in Heaven, no matter how much you dislike buying stuff for charity or subscribing to fucking magazines. You can start sending me shoes and chocolate right away.

  • KZ

    Hilarious stuff. I wish my mom were as acerbic and smart-alecky as this when I was growing up as a kid.

    Random tangent: Have you ever read How to Be Good by Nick Hornby? I kept thinking about that book for some reason the entire time I was reading this entry.

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