Entertainment

Tales From The Cage

I was minding my own bizness in my golden cage. Scratching, eating bananas, that kind of shit. I then remembered i had one phone call i could make. (Caging rules are too exhaustive to explain). I WANT MY PHONE CALL! i yelled . So i did the obvious, i phoned my publicist, Tatiana Bitchakova.

– Waaaaaaaz up B!!!
– Oh gawd…in the Cage again?
– Yep.
– Can’t do nothing for you, Jepeto.
– What? Hey i pay you top dollars Bitchakova!
– It is not about money. Let me be direct.You need to change. You need a more positive image or you’ll spend your life in the Cage.
– Waaaa?
– My dear Jepeto. Your image is one of a caveman with Tourette’s. Show the world your humane side, if that is possible. Help me help you, Jepeto. Help ME help YOU!
– Hahahaha!!! Das from Jerry McGuire, you funny B. You suck!
(clack)
 

That enlightening conversation made me enlightened. I think. Even if i wanted to punch her hard in the ovaries, roll her in a carpet and  dump her in the St-Lawrence River, Bitchakova had a point. Redeem yourself my man! So after twenty-four hours of hard thinking, i present you the Real Jepeto. The soft one. The daddy. I selected a nice video of my son playing in the backyard. As you will notice, not only i am a very nice person, but so is my spawn. Not a shred of Evil. The Jepeto line will from now on be nice.

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  • Mikewj

    Ah, Tatiana! I still bear the twisted scars on my wrists and back and buttocks from the night we spent together in pleasure and pain. Fortunately, our union produced no children to inflict upon the world. You, I see, have not been so lucky. The Spawn of your spawn is as un-evil as you, Jepeto, and it’s no wonder you keep him locked in a tiny cage in the backyard and only speak to him in what is clearly one of the Devil’s black tongues. This reminds me of a quote:

    Chapel: Who the fuck are you?
    Spawn: Your worst fucking nightmare…

  • If only I had a cage like that when my kids were young.

  • Ahahahahahahhahahahhahah!

  • Jepeto

    People are supposed to say “ohhhhh, your son is soooo cute!” or stuff like that. You lied to me Bitchakova, you LIIIIIEEEEDDD!!! Screw that being nice shit. On the other hand you jumped BonyMike, so i won’t fire you cause you are clearly sadistic and evil. I like.

  • Sadly, I cannot open any videos because my husband fixed my computer and ruined it for videos. I’m sure your spawn is wonderful. And I love cages! I used to dance in one.

  • Jepeto

    Really? I like.

  • Jepeto,
    Um, ohhhhh, your son is soooo cute! And stuff like that.

    You know, he may graduate to throwing baseballs at your head.

  • Mikewj

    WTF, Linda. You’ve never told me this story. Please write a post about it post-haste.

  • Mikewj

    You and me both, Cardiogirl. Kids are awful creatures and should be raised in cages.

  • Jepeto

    Any kind of sports, i don’t mind. Except bowling. which is not a sport. Is it? Other debate.

  • Jepeto

    Aren’t they worse when they are all grown? I dread the day when little spawny’ll leave the nest. A Cage for grown-ups makes sense. A kind of penalty box society but with cages. yeah.

  • Agreed!

  • I like this new, nice side of you, Jepeto. Seeing you and your little boy torture animals together makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Keep it up!

  • Jepeto

    She’s my pussy. Lola. No torture. Just playing.

  • Right! I ranted about that on my blog in July after the World Cup ended. Poker, chess, billiards, bowling = games. Not sports. Figure skating? Not a sport.

  • I finally got the video up and running! Great little video. I think he’s going to be a ball player or maybe a veterinarian. Or in jail by the time he’s 16, but that’s not likely. He’s adorable with all that dark curly hair. He’s a touch wicked too, which I have always liked in a boy.

  • Mikewj

    No, because then they’re somebody else’s problem. Like the police. Or the mafia. Little fuckers.

  • Jepeto

    Muchas gracias Linda. Very NICE of you. People, notice the NICE part. Besides dancing in a cage, were you a publicist too?

  • Jepeto

    Muchas gracias Linda. Very NICE of you. People, notice the NICE part. Besides dancing in a cage, were you a publicist too?

  • Jepeto

    Playing quarters = definitely a sport.
    Self-gratification = should be a sport. Imagine the ratings. Endless categories. The “very special” olympics.
    Raising the antichrist = priceless.

  • Jepeto

    Playing quarters = definitely a sport.
    Self-gratification = should be a sport. Imagine the ratings. Endless categories. The “very special” olympics.
    Raising the antichrist = priceless.

  • Jepeto

    Hahahaha! His evil little grin just popped in my mind. They truly are little fuckers. Oh man when he turns into Jell-o or some kind of slippery uncatchable little hobbit, ya know, they melt so you can’t dress them or do nothing, little fucking asswipe contorsionists. Haaaa. I love him.

  • Actually, I have been a publicist. And a snake charmer. Go figure! Max has the funniest little laugh! He is a yummy cupcake of a boy! I’m surprise you have not eaten him.

  • Jepeto

    oh you haven’t heard his genuine big laugh (unfortunately rare). Contagious. Warms the entire room he’s in. He got his laugh from his mother, as you can clearly hear he doesn’t have my nasial-sacaded-idiotic laugh (if that is angliche). But most of the time he is a crying manipulative bastage.
    Bitchakova get lost! Medrano’s in the house.

  • I’m hoping that you and Nicky will bring Max when you come to visit me. He can bounce balls off of Harry’s head for hours and Harry will just smile and slobber all over him. We can go out nightclubbing and leave Harry and Honey with Max knowing he will be well protected and amused. I can hear him laughing now!

  • I have to agree with Mike.

    When they’re grown up you can lock them out of the house after telling them to figure it out themselves and you don’t have to worry about anyone calling Child Protective Services on you.

  • Can’t just stop with Self-gratification. And I mean that more ways then one.
    Team gratification.
    Mixed doubles gratification.
    World Cup Gratification.
    Two Guys One Cup Gratification.

  • KZ

    This is a cute video. My cats would have probably booked it a lot sooner if they were in Lola’s place. Your cat is displaying some remarkable patience there. Aside from that, it’s nice watching you share this happy moment with your son. I’ve witnessed the softness. I’m a believer.

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » I Would Have Gotten Away With It, If It Weren’t For Those Meddling Kids!()

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