Addiction Will Ruin Your Life

It was in the summer of 2006 when the problems began.omaha-heartland-of-america

I was entertaining a long distance virtual relationship with a girl from Nebraska. She seemed like a very nice girl who I’ll admit, I didn’t know extremely well, but I’m usually a good judge of character, so I soon found myself on a plane to Omaha with a stopover in Detroit.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

Have you ever been to Eppley Airfield? The entire airport can fit in my backyard. And I don’t have a backyard. They have a counter where they sell steak in a box. Next to having the highest proportion of customer service agents per capita, Omaha is also famous for Omaha Steaks. They will ship them anywhere in the world. Did I mention that they come in a box? I’m sorry. I’m avoiding the whole point of this.

The girl.

She took me for drinks at a local bar. We visited downtown Omaha and walked through the old market district where gentrification was staking its claim. She took me to the waterfront where I realized that the Heartland of America Park was nothing but a big double entendre.

It was dinner time again and we went for cheeseburgers at a place called Cheeburger Cheeburger. I ordered mine with a Blueberry Pie shake. I could tell you how good a Blueberry Pie Shake tastes, but I realize now that the milkshake was nothing but a distraction.

I saw something in the way she looked at me as I took the first bite of my Cheeburger cheeseburger. I knew right away that I was in trouble. It was so delicious that I realized right then, that I had tasted the best cheeseburger I would ever taste for the rest of my sorry life. I ate slowly, wanting this perfect burger to last, but with every bite, I fell further and further into the abyss, realizing that I was now cursed and would be forever chasing the dragon.

Some days are harder than others.

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  • Anonymous

    And so you dropped the girl and set off on a journey to search for the perfect cheeseburger? What?

  • Send me pictures of the cheeseburger.
    And of the girl.

  • I thought you were going to say the worst mistake of your life was the layover in Detroit.

    Detroit sucks. I can say that ’cause I live here. I can also say it because I’m Polish. I like being able to say whatever I want because I’m a Pole who lives in Detroit.

    Sounds like a bitchin’ burger.

  • I guess if you must be addicted to something, there are worse things to be addicted to than cheeseburgers!

  • Mikewj

    First clue: Nebraksa.

    Second clue: Omaha.

    Third clue: Those stacks of $2.99-a-minute credit card receipts your new virtual “girlfriend” kept sending you. But, damn, I’ll bet she was flexible.

  • Mikewj

    Now I know why you seem so familiar, CG! I saw your picture and profile here (I’m sure CheesyMike did, too):

  • Mikewj

    He didn’t drop her. He couldn’t have, because she was from Nebraska. Thanks to the ready availability of boxed meats, Nebraskan women can’t be picked up, and, as logic dictates, can’t be dropped, either.

  • I never knew the divorce rate was very low among Polish families. Probably because neither one can figure out how to get a divorce. See what I did right there?

    I made a joke and no one can call me to the carpet cause I’m a Polak.

  • The perfect burger. For me? Five Guys with mushrooms, jalapenos, cheese, mayo and fried onions. Oh wait. I have gastroparesis. Sooooo I’m chasing that dragon…

  • She was very flexible. So we used Skype instead.

  • It was crazy good. Since writing this, I’ve started scoping out the closest Cheeburger Cheeburger locations. There’s a few in NY state, so maybe a road trip is in order. Hmm…maybe that’ll cure me…

  • Mikewj

    Ah, so the burger really did trump the girl, then? If so, you’re not alone, CheesyMike. Many a budding relationship has been lost over a plate of pâté, or somesuch. I’m truly sorry. I’m sure she is, too. I hope you’ve found solace and comfort in BA (Burgers Anonymous). Remember to acknowledge your higher power, and to remember that your higher power isn’t this, the world’s most expensive hamburger:

    “The hamburger is undoubtedly the signature fast food item, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get a nice, gourmet hamburger. Are you willing to part with $5,000 for one, though? Renowned chef Hubert Keller thinks you might be. His FleurBurger 5000, named no doubt for its price tag, is the most expensive hamburger in the world.

    “So how do you rationalize a five grand price tag for a hamburger? Well, you could start with the fact that the burger itself is made of Kobe beef. You could, then, move on to the foie gras—that’s duck or goose liver—and black truffles with which the burger is topped. You could even point out that the burger is served on a brioche truffle bun and is garnished with a sauce containing even more truffles.

    “Then again, it could be the bottle of Chateau Pétrus 1990 and Ichendorf Brunello stemware, specially imported from Italy, that you get to take home. That may just be what makes the FleurBurger 5000 the world’s most expensive hamburger.

    “The FleurBurger is available at Fleur de Lys, a traditional French restaurant located in Las Vegas’ Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. They’ll even mail a certificate to your home just to prove that you ate the world’s most expensive hamburger.

    Good God, that sounds good, doesn’t it?

    Oh, sorry.

    This is why BA refused to let me a sponsor. Or a member.

  • No.

  • Sort of. We stopped dating eventually, but I had my burger and ate it too.

  • Mikewj

    There is no cure for addiction, CheesyMike. You just take it day by day. You don’t face your demons down, you got to grab ’em jack, and pin ’em to the ground.

  • Maybe she lied about being a Nebraskan, cause it wasn’t like that at all. She was no Husker, if you know what I mean.

  • Yes there are. Like burgers without cheese. How do people do that?

  • Everyone has their own dragon, but that sounds like a pretty crazy burger. The seduction for me was the simplicity of just the burger and cheese. And the bun. It is so always about the bun.

  • Those Kobe beef cows sure have the good life. They spend their life being fed and getting massaged before ending up on a plate.

    Thankfully it’s way too expensive to be conducive towards compulsive behaviour.

  • Great. Now I just want a burger!

  • I had a boyfriend from Nebraska. He was very healthy and looked like he regularly worked in a corn field or wheat field or something equally physical. Actually, he as a sailor when I met him. I’ve never been to Nebraska, but I have received Omaha Steaks as a gift. Not bad. We have a Fleur de Lys in San Francisco. I’ve been there but never had a burger. Was the girl cute at least? Why did she send you credit card receipts. I’m missing something I fear.

  • I do not know what you mean. Unless you are saying she was not of the husky variety from eating all that beef. And I really doubt you would date a girl who you could not pick up.

  • They are all very pretty. Which one is you?

  • Oh, I was just making a silly reference to the Huskers. She wasn’t a football fan at all.

  • I know. Burgers are better than so many things!

  • Especially WITH cheese!

  • Even after all that, I still have not had an Omaha Steak. I’m getting kinda hungry thinking about them now.

    The credit card receipts is just something that BonyMike made up, and I had no regrets about making that trip. I’m still left with longing though…longing for the perfect cheeseburger…

  • See that chick on the lower left? She’s standing directly in front of me.

    Her photo is also right above this line:

    “As teenagers, Polish girls enjoy many of the same things that girls from other countries do.”

  • You had me a blueberry pie shake. Seriously?

    I hope the poor girl doesn’t read your blog. To be bested by a cheeseburger? That’s gotta knock the crap out of your self-confidence.

  • And eat them like a sumptuous cheeseburger, right?

  • It gets better. Check out their menu. Plus they have a location in San Diego. You should go!

  • Mikewj

    Boy, do they. I think it’s all that sausage.

  • That’s kielbasa, Mike.

  • Exactly!

  • Kielbasa is awesome and now you’ve got me thinking about pirogies. Specifically, cheese pirogies 🙂

  • Mikewj

    OMFG! Me, too, CheesyMike! I love pierogis and kielbasa, although perhaps not as much as CardioGirl. By the way, I make a delicious Polish stew with kielbasa, beef, apples, onions, carrots and cabbage. It’s sweet and salty and perfect this time of year, when everything is covered in snow (except where I live). I’ll send you the recipe if you’d like.

  • Mikewj

    Oh, and do you have Kolachkes there? OMFG, again! They’re little Polish pastry dumpling things filled with cheese, meat, custard, whatever. Like edible breasts. They’re that good.

  • You lost me at Kolachkes.

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