Happy Birthday My Friend

One candle for every decade of your life. Holy crap, that’s a depressing thought, isn’t it?

What are you doing here? Didn’t you know there’s a party going on? It’s Michael Whiteman-Jones’Β  (aka MikeWJ, aka BonyMike, aka BoneyMike) and he’s having a party. Everyone’s invited, but you must bring a gift. This is my gift to Mike.

I put a lot of thought into this gift. I spent the entire day considering and rejecting different possibilities. I know he wants an iPad so he can be cooler than his kids, but I just don’t think it’s right to be cooler than your kids. That, and it wouldn’t work anyway. His son Gabe has been 15 years old for about 15 years now, and even an iPad won’t make Mike cooler than an eternal teenager.

I considered getting him a really stylish wintercoat, to make sure that bony frame of his stays warm and fashionable. But then I realized he lives in the best part of Colorado where it’s about 80 degrees Farenheit and sunny every single damn day of the year. He actually yearns for snow. Sometimes I wonder why I’m friends with him.

If I had a sports car, it would definitely be red.

Which made me think I should give him snow, since I have an abundance of it. But then Ziva gave him snow. I figured I couldn’t go wrong with a fancy car, especially since he loves to drive fast. But then Linda gave him one.

So I went back to his party, hid in a corner and read his invitation over and over again, looking for inspiration. I found it. Mike is one of my favourite writers, in or out of the blogosphere. I read every single word of his posts, which is saying a lot, because while he is supremely talented, he is also (and I say this lovingly) a tad verbose. But I read and it is always a pleasure. And sometimes I read between the lines. Like the line about mysterious tattoos.

Mike, it means “one”. Not so much like the number, but rather like the concept. Singular, solo, alone. That was how I felt at the time. I was heartbroken, in the middle of a huge family crisis and working at a job I hated for people who were not only despicable, but highly immoral. It was also the number of people I felt I could count on.

So, now you know. A bit of a depressing story to give as a birthday gift, so let me just add this: I did have people I could count on, they did put up with my pathetic ass until I got over myself, I went on to find a new job, I bought my first home, metΒ  a crazy, wonderful man and had another kid. And lived happily ever after.

Hahahahaha! Yeah, okay, scratch that last part. My story’s not over yet, but I suspect a murder and some jail time may not be out of the question.

Happy Birthday, my friend. I hope it is spectacular πŸ™‚

Related Posts

  • What a lucky guy Michael is! And what a lucky guy Jepeto is. Keep in mind my son is a lawyer if we need one. He’s very good too.

  • Aw. Nicky, you gave Michael an awesome gift. And an iPad WILL make him cooler than ANY teenager!

  • Mikewj

    I don’t know what to say, Nicky.

    But I will.

    Stayed tuned.

    Thank you.

  • Dammit Nicky! Did you have to go and give him a better gift than snow?? I was so winning and then you came along and went all “blah blah, emotional stuff that Mike’s been dying to know forever, blah blah.”

    It’s a good thing I love you, though, because I totally don’t even care that you outgifted me. And I’ll totally still help you bury the body when you finally off Jepeto. Or one of the kids. Probably the small one, eh?

  • Nicky

    Sorry Lemmikki, I’m very competitive and the thought of that mysterious prize just set my blah blah emotional stuff wheels in motion. Will it make you feel better if I share it with you? And if I tell you that your birthday present will be a gazillion times better?

    That is so sweet! I haven’t decided yet, but I’ll definitely let you know what size shovel to bring…

  • I’ve rendered you speechless?

    I win πŸ™‚

    You are welcome.

  • Thanks Meleah! (I know, but I couldn’t afford to get him one so I had to downplay the cool factor πŸ™‚ )

  • You are absolutely right about them both being lucky and I hope they appreciate how fortunate they are! πŸ™‚

    I am the luckiest though, to have you and Ziva in my life, ready willing and able to aid and abet for me. β™₯

  • Yes, it will make me feel so much better! My birthday is on June 3rd. I’m looking forward to it already!

  • Your gift was WAY cooler than any iPad anyway!!

  • Mikewj

    This is funny stuff. Please keep going on.

    I can’t wait until June 3. Nicky, when’s your birthday?

    Also, does anybody have any good prize ideas? I might kinda sorta need one. Like in a hurry.

  • Mikewj

    I wish I was a woman.

  • Mikewj

    You did, actually. It’s rare, and it won’t last long, so enjoy it.

  • Well, Sorel has these amazing boots… Perfect for giving away to freezing Finns.

  • Glad you’re enjoying πŸ™‚

    My birthday January 25th.

    Good prize idea :

    I’m particularly fond of the Ladies Limited Edition Moonshine Zombie Stomper (Glow in the Dark) – size 8

  • Oh my god, those are awesome! I want the Ladies Sweet Skull O Mine Platform.

  • Jepeto

    You’ll soon be. Boobs, bad mood and all. Give it another 10 years. happy birthday Michaelle! πŸ™‚

  • They are sooo worth freezing your toes off, aren’t they!

  • Mikewj

    They are nice.

  • Mikewj

    Ah, Ziva’s practical side rears its pretty head. Hard weather will do that to you.

  • Mikewj

    If it comes with the ability to have multiple orgasms, I won’t mind at all.

  • A very Happy Holidays to all our friends at WWFC from all your friends at MOB πŸ™‚ ho ho ho

  • January 25th – NOTED!

  • I would seriously consider kicking the Chucks to the curb for a few days to sport the Ladies Oh No Platform. Size ten, please.

    But on second thought I’d look like Kate Gosslein in shorts and heels so maybe I’ll have to decline.

    I think everyone would agree that a gift card for a pair of custom-designed Converse low tops is a gift that every blogger would love. See the blogger gets to design the shoe so you don’t even have to know what colors she already has.

    Because the gift card would allow her to express her creativity.

  • Custom-designed Converse low tops are a wonderful idea, CG. Really. So much better than Zombie Stomper high heels. Ahem.

    I’ve just realized that we’ve both assumed the winner will be a girl. There were boys at the party too. And they brought gifts. Hmmmmm…

  • Thanks Glenn!

  • It’s funny that you mention that because not only was I assuming it was a girl. I figured it was me.

    But it could be you. The dudes in the house did not turn it out. I’m just telling it like it is.

  • Happy Birthday to Mikey and I can’t wait to hear about your pending murder and jail time. You’ll probably even be able to blog from prison. THAT would be cool.

  • It would be cool, wouldn’t it? That is, if you were still around to read it… πŸ™‚

  • Nice!

  • I missed Mike’s Birthday. I didn’t actually miss it but I forgot to go back to it after I figured out what to give him. He had rules and I couldn’t comply with them because thought would have been involved. And, I can’t top you gift to Mike.

    I too want to read you when you are in prison.

  • Oh, you should have crashed the party anyway! Rules be damned! And it doesn’t matter if you couldn’t have topped my gift, the important thing is to do better than CardioGirl πŸ™‚

    I wonder if there are any prison bloggers out there? I need to explore…

  • Um, we have a blogger in the TB toolbar who is writing from prison.

  • Really?! Who? Um, unless it’s hush-hush…?

  • Maybe you should use the toolbar to find out?

  • Noted again, AND I already bought your GIFT! Wheeeeeeeeee!!!

    Now I just need your mailing address!

  • What?! You silly adorable thing, what did you do?!? I’ll email you…

  • Check your email! I ordered your Pajama Pants!
    Im having them delivered HERE and then Im shipping them to you!


  • RSS Feed
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest