That’s It, She’s Gone Too Far

Fuck. Off.

Howdy bloggers, it’s me again, Jake. As you may know, I have only written 1 blog post. I am not as in to the whole blogging thing as my mom might be but this time she’s gone too far. I have taken the repetetive insults and laughed cause, lets face it, it’s funny, but I will not stay idle while she rants about how I am an oaf and, more importantly, tries to convince you she has heartfelt or earnest sentiments. As a matter of fact, everything she has told you that makes her look good and caring with only slight sarcasm (and what parent isn’t sarcastic?) is a lie. In truth, she is the complete opposite. I took the liberty of putting together a list of  her traits and characteristics for you so you can see her true nature:

Her feelings as a human being:

  • This is really a trick… she’s not human.

Her hobbies:

  • Torturing me 
  • Blogging
  • Feeding off the souls of little children
  • Torturing Jepeto
  • Making puppies and kittens cry… she’s sick.
  • Kicking babies… dude seriously.

Her likes:

  • Causing me pain
  • Blogging
  • Scheming (about what, even I don’t know)
  • Shoes
  • Causing me more pain
  • The color black
  • Boots
  • Her favorite children
  • The idea I’m not one of her favorite children.

Her dislikes:

  • Me
  • Feeling happy
  • Me feeling happy
  • Two of me
  • Pictures of me
  • Rainbows and unicorns
  • Thinking of me
  • Jepeto
  • The thought of me being a favorite child *shivers*.

 If you look up Nicky in the dictionary you will find:

  • Supreme evil

If you were to use the word as a:

  • Noun: AHHHHHH!!! It’s Nicky.
  • Verb: I am going to Nicky that baby in the face.
  • Adjective: Hell is so Nicky.

There, now you have a clearer image of what my mother is really like. I implore you to heed this warning. DON’T STOP READING THE BLOG!!! Do you want to know why? You know that monster from Cloverfield? Inspired by my mom.  I would like to keep my mother as calm as possible so we will be doing each other a favor. I warn you about the horror that is Nicky and you keep me alive by keeping her happy, OK? OK good.

Till next time… hopefully

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