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How To Lose 2 Pounds In 2 Days

plus size bathing suit

I can help you be skinnier, but I can't do anything about that bathing suit.

I know you’re all skeptical. I was too. But it’s true. I did it myself. I discovered the secret to weight loss and I will share it with you. For FREE! Yes, that’s right. For FREE! Because I care about you and your muffin tops, your love handles, your jiggly bits, your spare tires, your thunder thighs, your larger-than-size-4 ass.

It really isn’t a complicated process. You don’t even have to give up your favourite foods. Simply find someone who has the stomach flu, preferably a child. A really young child. Let that child kiss you directly on the mouth. If that child doesn’t already live with you, invite them into your home for a few days. Have that child throw up on your feet a couple of times. Let them sleep in your bed.

It shouldn’t take you longer than 24 hours to starting throwing up yourself. It’s safe to say that when you reach the point where you are throwing up the bubble gum you accidentally swallowed in 4th grade, you’ve lost at least a pound.

Now, I know everyone wants to lose weight without actually having to exercise. And I’ve shown you how you can do that. But if you really want to optimize the weight loss, you’ll need to add just a simple workout routine to your regimen in order to lose that second pound by day 2.

Make sure you and the child sleep as far away from the bathroom as possible. This way you’ll have to run several times a day/night in order to make sure you don’t throw up in bed. Also, when the child needs to throw up, you intensify your run by adding “weightlifting” to the programme as you haul said child to the can. Also, when the child starts to vomit mid-run, you further intensify your workout with creative stretching/contorting movements necessary to dodge the spew. Don’t forget the deep knee-bends as you disinfect the bathroom each and every time.

Finish off the routine by carrying all your germ-infested laundry into the the basement for disinfecting after each bathroom run. Changing your sheets 10 times a day is the “cool down” after such an intensive session, and allows you to collapse in a weak, shivering, clammy, feverish pile until you’re ready to start again.

Repeat as necessary.

You’re welcome.

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  • Can I send mine to your sister’s too? She could put them in the kennel.

  • First of all, congratulations on your recent spew-dodging-related weight loss. But do you have any advice for those of us who are too lazy to begin with on an ordinary day, and when they’re sick it’s worse and may go so far as to simply lie in their own sick just so they don’t have to get out of bed? Or would such lazy people have to settle for plateauing after losing one pound because they can’t be bothered with so much exercise?

  • Thank you Margaret for bringing up this very good point. The thing is, if you don’t want to exercise but opt for lounging in your “own sick” (slayed me, btw!), you won’t plateau at one pound because you will be sicker longer and eventually die, thereby losing a significant amount of weight, including that oh-so-annoying “water” weight. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Well, that’ll cost you – better to use them as free labor. They also breed goats (did you know male goats pee on themselves to attract the female goat?) and she works part time at Glorie Farm Winery so they can stomp grapes and drink wine too. I should probably be a little worried. When I was writing on the wall of her facebook page today I saw something she wrote a week ago “Looking for used hockey sticks, will trade wine” Not weird, right?

  • “Looking for used hockey sticks, will trade wine”

    Not weird at all. Sign my kids up!

  • Hmmmm, tempting. Very tempting. We should discus….

  • You are, without a doubt, a generous soul!

  • You forgot about the sweet ab workout you’ll get from all the heaving. That’s my favorite part.

  • You are so right Madge! I completely forgot about that part. You’ll have washboard abs in no time! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • You are so right Madge! I completely forgot about that part. You’ll have washboard abs in no time! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • OH NO… I have been there SO MANY TIMES… those times when EVERYONE has it and people all just start throwing up in their beds, and you are SO SICK you just throw another blanket on top and pass out on the floor next to them…. I am SO SORRY… but yea, at least you lost some weight!!

  • Thanks Katherine! We’ve finally made it past the stomach flu and are now enjoying the chicken soup diet as we attempt to get over run-of-the-mill colds! I swear, by the time summer rolls around, my weight will start with a minus sign!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Annie Boreson

    Sorry…I just got here, but this is absolutely hysterical. I don’t usually find something this funny, but have to admit there was a buck snort or two. I will remember this next time a kid with a runny nose is within arms reach. Reminds me that when my kids were small I invited this boy ย over with measles so he would infect my kids. I definitely wasn’t thinking because it was right before Christmas so all of them were covered with big red, itchy bumps. No one gave a rip about Santa that year. Just call me Mommy Dearest! Thanks so much for the laugh!

  • Hehehehe, you are very welcome Mommy Dearest. Ah, you discovered the true joy of parenting is not satisfaction on raising well-adjusted children, it is the satisfaction of effectuating retribution on the little germ-infested monsters! ๐Ÿ™‚

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