I know you’re all skeptical. I was too. But it’s true. I did it myself. I discovered the secret to weight loss and I will share it with you. For FREE! Yes, that’s right. For FREE! Because I care about you and your muffin tops, your love handles, your jiggly bits, your spare tires, your thunder thighs, your larger-than-size-4 ass.
It really isn’t a complicated process. You don’t even have to give up your favourite foods. Simply find someone who has the stomach flu, preferably a child. A really young child. Let that child kiss you directly on the mouth. If that child doesn’t already live with you, invite them into your home for a few days. Have that child throw up on your feet a couple of times. Let them sleep in your bed.
It shouldn’t take you longer than 24 hours to starting throwing up yourself. It’s safe to say that when you reach the point where you are throwing up the bubble gum you accidentally swallowed in 4th grade, you’ve lost at least a pound.
Now, I know everyone wants to lose weight without actually having to exercise. And I’ve shown you how you can do that. But if you really want to optimize the weight loss, you’ll need to add just a simple workout routine to your regimen in order to lose that second pound by day 2.
Make sure you and the child sleep as far away from the bathroom as possible. This way you’ll have to run several times a day/night in order to make sure you don’t throw up in bed. Also, when the child needs to throw up, you intensify your run by adding “weightlifting” to the programme as you haul said child to the can. Also, when the child starts to vomit mid-run, you further intensify your workout with creative stretching/contorting movements necessary to dodge the spew. Don’t forget the deep knee-bends as you disinfect the bathroom each and every time.
Finish off the routine by carrying all your germ-infested laundry into the the basement for disinfecting after each bathroom run. Changing your sheets 10 times a day is the “cool down” after such an intensive session, and allows you to collapse in a weak, shivering, clammy, feverish pile until you’re ready to start again.
Repeat as necessary.