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Where Are Will Smith And Tommy Lee Jones When You Need Them?

The truth is not out there. It's in here.

The following events are all 100% true. They took place in my home, on what appeared to be a normal Friday evening but was, in reality, the evening that shall henceforth be known as “The Night The Aliens Invaded My House”.

I began to suspect something was not right almost immediately upon arriving home. I asked my second son, Kane, if he wanted me to make him an appointment to get his haircut. He said yes. Jake, my oldest, asked if I could make one for him as well. I called the hairdresser and asked for two appointments on Saturday. She had two spots available, but not at the same time. One was at 9am, the other at 10:45am. I booked them, then went to break the news to the boys that they would have to haul their cookies out of bed before noon on a Saturday. And one of them would have to get up really early. I was going to suggest “Rock, paper scissors” to determine who would be the early appointment. Then Kane said “It’s ok, Jake. You take the later appointment.”

Huh?

Then Jake replied “Really? Are you sure?”

Huh?

Then Kane said “Sure. No problem.”

Then Jake said “Thanks, man.”

Then Kane said “You’re welcome.”

They left the room and I continued to stand there, dumbfounded. Finally, after about 20 minutes, I decided that I should stop looking a gift horse in the mouth and get supper ready. I made supper and called everyone to the table. Our table doesn’t have chairs, but rather, has an L-shaped bench along 2 sides and another straight bench along a third side. Jake and Kane sat down, side by side, on the L-shaped bench. We ate. Jake finished first and wanted seconds. Because he was sitting on the “inside” of the L, he couldn’t get out unless Kane got up.

So Jake said “Excuse me, Kane. Could you let me out? I’d like to get some more supper.”

Then Kane said “Sure. No problem.” And he got up.

I began to suspect drug use.

After supper, we moved to the living room. I brought out a box of chocolate-covered cherries that only had a few chocolates left. All 3 boys started devouring. When it came down to the last chocolate, Kane started to reach into the box and I, in an attempt to be preemptive, asked “Wait, how many did you have and how many did Jake have?”

Then Jake said “Don’t worry about it. You can have it Kane.”

Then Kane said “Really? Are you sure?”

Then Jake said “Sure. No problem.”

Then Kane said “Thanks, man.”

I knew then, the way only a mother knows, that 2 of my children were dead and had been replaced by alien clones. Faulty alien clones. So I did what I had to do.

I said “Would you 2 knock it off?! You’re freaking me out!”

They asked what I was talking about. I brought up all the politeness they had displayed all evening long. I told them that I knew they were aliens. I told them if they were going to replace people on this planet, they might consider studying their subjects a little closer, in order to mimic their behaviours better. This, of course, got them going.

Jake said “Kane, would you mind bringing me a glass of water?”

Kane said “Sure. No problem. Would you like some too, Mother?” And he brought us glasses of water.

This type of behaviour persisted for another 30 minutes or so. It eventually degenerated into a state of utter ridiculousness with the 2 of them brushing each others hair, hugging, declaring their brotherly affection and singing “Pure Imagination” from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

It would appear the alien plan is to conquer us through the use of good manners and humour.

Funny, I don’t miss those other 2 kids at all.

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  • Where was the third kid? πŸ˜‰

  • Mikewj

    Either you were having another psychotic episode, or one of these two boys caught the other one doing something really, really bad. Have you checked the antique china your great-grandmother gave you? Or done a walk-a-round the car to make sure it was hot-wired and slid into a light pole while you were sleeping? Have you see the third kid for the last few days, and what’s that unusual mound of snow that suddenly appeared in the backyard?

  • Mikewj

    Dammit! I meant “wasn’t hot-wired.” WTF is wrong with me?

  • Heheh, he was there, he was just behaving normally. He spent the evening trying to convince me why he should have chocolate-covered cherries for supper! Obviously, he hasn’t been replaced by the aliens yet πŸ™‚

  • That was the weirdest part of all. They hadn’t done anything bad at all. That’s how I knew it was aliens. The dishes, the car, the third kid…everyone and everything whole, unmarred and accounted for.

    Although, I never considered a psychotic episode. Again.

  • Maybe you’re having a psychotic episode?

  • Anonymous

    Good call, maybe you can apply for a job with whatever agency it is that studies aliens (with your talent you probably won’t even have to be able to run like Will Smith)

  • Don’t be afraid Nicky. There are good aliens and bad aliens. Just be grateful you got the good kind. But lock the door when you are sleeping. Maybe they just haven’t started on the experiments yet.

  • Nonamedufus

    Let me know what drugs they were taking, would you?

  • If I find out what they were taking, I may just add it to water supplies everywhere!

  • Well, nothing feels “probed” but better safe than sorry. Doors shall henceforth be locked!

  • I think that would be a very cool job, and I can just picture my business card. “Director of Alien location services” Impressive, no?
    (I hope I wouldn’t have to run like Will Smith. Walking is enough of a chore)

  • I wish those aliens would show up at my house but alas, even though I am a believer, they never visit. Bastards, take my kids, please!!!!

  • Better safe than sorry, I always say. Well, okay, I sometimes say it.

  • Those aliens are sneaky aren’t they, but you figured them out!

  • I’ll see if I can’t contact the Mother Ship…

  • Yep, nothing gets by me πŸ™‚

  • The real tell was when they called you “mother”. No self respecting child calls their mom “mother”… except for maybe Eddie Haskell.

  • LOL! I’m sure Eddie Haskell had self-respect issues too πŸ™‚

  • A normal Friday? In April perhaps? Around the first of the month maybe?

  • Nope, if it had been, I would never have suspected aliens. This was a cold Friday in January. Mid January. And since everyone knows aliens love the cold, it makes perfect sense. Right?

  • how sweet! screw tommy lee and will. enjoy the aliens.. it may not last much longer

  • sigh. may not? did not, is more like it! it was sweet while it lasted though πŸ™‚

  • I believe there is some favoritism here. How come I never get visited by these aliens, huh?!? Not fair! πŸ™

  • As soon as I find the Mother Ship, I promise to send you some!

  • I don’t have kids, but I have siblings, and that behaviour just is not right! Definitely aliens!

  • You don’t have kids Babs? Would you like some? I have spares….

  • You made ’em, you keep ’em πŸ˜‰

  • I am assuming one is holding something over the other. Something big. They KNOW something or caught them doing something… either that or they both want something from YOU. A new game console? Is the Xbox 360 online account about to expire?

    BUT… if it is REAL… what did you feed them the day before b/c I’m serving that tomorrow!

  • LOL!

  • Nope, blackmail was not involved. Xbox Live is fully functional for another 10 months or so. It HAS to be aliens.

    I made pork chops, mashed potatoes and broccoli. Good luck!

  • Oh yes, your children have definitely been replaced by super polite aliens!

  • I know! Now if they would just hurry up and get around to replacing Jepeto…

    πŸ™‚

  • Ahahahahhahaha!

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