Guest Bloggers

I Can Only Be Me

winterstache

Winter

Ok, I get it.

 

You hate Me.

You see Me as cold, wet and slippery and it pisses you off. Well you know what? It’s not easy being a season. Most of you have been bitching out my snowy ass since I brushed your pretty noses with the very first flakes of my awesomeness back in November.

You think I just I slept all summer? What am I, a high school teacher? Ha. Since you asked, I was hard at work in the Southern Hemisphere keeping things chill over there. Just like I do every year from June to August, give or take.

But don’t think you guys are special or anything. They don’t “get” me in Australia either.

And by the way, this ain’t no pansy ass 9-5 gig either. It’s 24/7 my friends and 365. How many minutes did YOU work this year? I travel all over the world making snow here, some flurries there, a blizzard or three, whatever I can do. It’s all part of the job and I don’t even get benefits or Air Miles. Dudes, I have no use for them anyway since I’M ALWAYS WORKING.

You lazy fools.

winter is amazing

Am I awesome or what?

My job is a pretty big deal, you know. And it’s not just about keeping the ski hills covered in beautiful ski-able powder or making you late for work (totally unintentional). I got farmland to blanket. Tons of it! I gotta get a good layer of snow and ice on those acres, because without it, your precious summer vegetables will suck. That’s right “dudes”. I plan ahead. I keep it wet.

Think about it. Do any of you have any idea how shitty things would be without Me? You think everything would be great without Winter? Well cut Me out of the equation and you’ll probably be inviting my crappy-ass cousin Drought. You know who I’m talking about and he’s the worst. He’s not even a season like I am. He’s an idiot.

Some people like me. Some of them, not many, actually dress up for me and don’t mind me that much. Others shovel the crap out of my snow and cover it in salt, which is a totally crap thing to do. Not like I care. There’s lots more where that came from. I do think it’s kind of cool when people make the best of me and build a snowman.

Whatever. I gotta get back to work.

W.

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  • Well, pardon me for making disparaging comments about you, Snow. And about that whole salt thing yesterday? I couldn’t help it… it was either that or another broken limb. But thanks for the snow days and all the moisture you bring to make the spring so delightful! Maybe there’s even time for one last snowman before you head out for the year.

  • Personally, i think you’re awesome. we rarely get to see ya around this parts. what with you being so busy and all in other places.

    rock on snow!!!!

  • What a brilliant little article! Winter is quite the writer! And I have to agree with everything he/she says. Oh, except, stay out of San Francisco. Thank you!

  • Aww, Winter, you’re adorable. Of course we hate you! You’re just such an overachiever, working 365 days a year, 24/7. No one likes a show off. And seriously, -40 degrees? Come on! And honestly, why the fuck would a city like Turku need 10 feet of snow for? Dump it on Canada or something. You might be pretty and act all pure and innocent, but you totally suck.

  • Well, I happen to like you winter. In fact, I like you a lot.

  • You can try switching to sand. It chafes a bit but is overall much gentler than salt.

    By the way, the name is ‘Winter’, not Snow. I create Snow, cuz I’m amazing!

  • You’re one of the few that see my true beauty, and genius. Thanks for the kudos!

  • Thanks Linda. I don’t remember how I learned to write in human, but it was probably a long time ago. I’m pretty old.

    Yeah, San Fran sucks for me too. I always get mixed up in the fog and get all confused. Not the Bay fog mind you, but that stuff in the Haight. Pretty strong stuff.

  • See…the thing about the Turku incident… I was…uh…I was trying to impress this girl by showing her how much I could dump at once. I retrospect, think that was one of the biggest dumps I ever took.

  • I prefer whatever non-winterey drought prevention techniques it is they use 95% of the time in lush, green places like the rain forests of the west coast. The whole ambient temperatures and polished roads that try to kill me method’s wearing a bit thin.

  • Thanks Meleah, Winter likes you too πŸ™‚

  • Cheer up winter. I like you just as much as the other seasons πŸ™‚

  • πŸ™‚

  • You didn’t like the black ice? Come on! I thought everyone liked a surprise.

  • Aw thanks. But if you think I’m a show off, Autumn can get pretty annoying strutting around their leaves and everything.

  • KZ

    Personally, I’ve always been on your side, Winter. I have a personal request, though. Could you possibly try just a wee bit harder to keep your idiot cousin, Drought, away from California? He’s been trespassing on our lawn for years, and we can never seem to get rid of him.

  • Me out of the equation and you’ll probably be inviting my crappy-ass cousin Drought.

  • Hmm..maybe I’m more liked than I thought πŸ˜€

    Drought is a moron. He’s El Nina’s idiot son. El Nina is my aunt, and to be honest, that whole family is on crack. I don’t talk to them very often but I’ll see what I can do.

  • You out of the equation?

    Oh, you were saying what I said. Thank you, ground penetrating radar!

  • Well, if you aren’t too crazy busy in mid August, maybe you can swing by here for a few days and give us a break from the heat! I do miss the snow.
    πŸ˜‰

  • August? Hmm…might be busy. I got this thing in August.

    But since you asked nice, I’ll see what I can do. Last time I tried going to Carribs, I caused a hurricane :S

  • Drought *is* an idiot. Is he the product of inbreeding? He probably lives in Kentucky, right?

    p.s. I love your avatar Winter so now I am seeing you in a completely different light. Maybe you don’t suck so much after all.

  • Drought is the illegitimate product formed from a union between El Nina and grizzled old prospector. Don’t ask me how that happened, but let’s just say that El Nina “gets around”.

    What’s an avatar? My picture? Yeah, that’s me in pseudo human form. And thanks for saying I don’t suck. As we say around here, Winter doesn’t suck, he blows. hahaha…little weather joke.

  • Pingback: We Work For Cheese » Blog Archive » Shut Up Already, I’m Here!()

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