There’s Nothing To See Here, Folks.

About a month and a half ago, I was having trouble with Internet Explorer. I could open Outlook and get my emails, but I could only access Explorer in Safe Mode with Networking. And it was verrrrrrrrry slllllllooooooooow. Mike suggested I download Firefox, which I did, and all has been peachy since. Until this week.

My Internet is broken. I opened Outlook and my emails weren’t in my Inbox. I got the message that I was receiving message 1 of 26, but none of them actually made it through. I waited. 2 minutes. Nothing. 5 minutes. Nothing. 10 minutes. Nothing.  I went and took my shower. Nothing. I blow-dried my hair. Nothing.

I figured I would try getting my emails via the webmail section of my ISP’s website, so I opened up Firefox. I waited. 2 minutes. Nothing. 5 minutes. Nothing. 10 minutes. Nothing. I applied my makeup. Nothing. I straightened my hair with my hot iron. Nothing. I made breakfast. Hallelujah! The home page had finally loaded.

I typed in the URL and hit enter. I waited. 2 minutes. Nothing. 5 minutes. Nothing. 10 minutes. Nothing. I did the dishes. Nothing. I did a load of laundry. Nothing. I went to work. Hallelujah! I accessed my emails at work. But when I got home, the page still hadn’t loaded.

All week long, it’s been hit and miss for various sites. The Google page tends to load in about 2 seconds. My ISP’s website, 2 hours. And I still can’t login to check my emails. Type in WWFC’s home page? 3 seconds later, I’m there. Click on a post and wait about 30 minutes. Luckily, I’ve been able to reply to comments although it takes about an hour for the first comment box to load. After that, it’s still slow, just not as slow. Until, of course, it just decides it’s had enough and stops working altogether. Jepeto can load up a sports results site, but I can’t access my bank site. I actually had to go into the bank to pay my bills this week. INTO the bank. *shudder* The worst part?  I can’t get to some of my favourite bloggers’ sites. And if I do manage to get there, I can’t always comment.

The kids’ computer, which is Linux based and therefore virus-proof, is just as wonky. Even the xBox live is messed up.

I called Mike. He was grocery shopping. I told him I needed his help. I told him I had cheese. I told him to name his price. He suggested I reboot the router.

Mike, if you’re reading this: dude, I rebooted the router. I waited. 2 minutes. Nothing. 5 minutes. Nothing. 10 minutes. Nothing. 2 fucking days. Nothing.  What the hell is wrong with my Internet?! I need help! I have cheese!! I’d show you a picture of all the cheese I have, but when I try to upload a picture, my computer crashes.  As I type this, the little cursor thingy that shows you where you are typing has disappeared. I don’t even know what’s going to happen when I hit the “publish” button. This may only get posted on Tuesday or there may be an earth-shattering kaboom and a huge, black smudge left where I was sitting. Aaaaaaaaargh!

Seriously, I have the Cendrillon cheese, the one without the ash covering. I have mozzarella, cheddar, brie,  smoked Jarlsberg, Camembert…I even have Kraft singles. And it’s all yours. Just please come fix this stupid fucking Internet for me ’cause it totally sucks monster moose cocks and it’s making me crazy. Crazier.



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  • Mike is being rather cavalier about this disaster. I am truly disappointed. He knows you need help, where is he? Okay, he shopped and ate dinner last night. Who knows, maybe he even got lucky after dinner. (It does happen now and then.) But what the heck is the excuse today. A sleepover is fine, but he should have rushed her out at the crack of 10 AM and rushed right over to your house. I would have. In fact, I would have simply parked the shopping cart in the aisle and left the store and broken speeding laws getting to your place so I could be of service. The only acceptable excuse is that Mike has been in an accident and is in the hospital. Start calling around Nicky. It’s the only thing that makes any sense at all.

  • Anonymous

    Nicky broke the internet, Nicki broke the internet. I’m telling. (I’m on Bell. Once they replaced my router and did a diagnostic of my computer through their help line/techy thingy I’ve had absolutely no problems.)

  • I






    on hour

    or less.

    Hmmm … maybe it’s the ghost of “Hal” or, god forbid, your “watch” virus has migrated?


  • (um, that was supposed to be in “an” hour, not “on” one.)

  • Dammit CheesyMike, Nicky needs her internet!! Get over there and fix it! Now!

  • I suppose you already tried deleting your history and perging everything. Sometimes mine acts up, if I cntl alt del and close everything I don’t need it will speed up enough that I can get what I need done. Good Luck

  • Have you tried the Google Chrome browser? I use both Chrome and Firefox, but sometimes it’s Comcast, my provider, mucking things up.

    I feel your pain. May I have some cheese now please?

  • I went! I did some snazzy diagnostics and have determined that the problem is with her provider. So Nicky will call them tomorrow and have them check. Then, just to be safe, I’m moving her over to Linux 🙂

    Oh, and I got paid in cheese, of course 🙂

  • I did (sort of). The computer was pretty much ok. I think the problem is the provider/the modem cause both computers are showing signs of packet loss when we ping various urls. Packet loss! Can you believe that?

  • Mike is still my SUPERMAN after all! Swooping in and saving the day! Got to LOVE hm Nicky! I certainly do!

  • He is, fortunately, quite safe! And he came over to save my sanity. And my computer is even showing signs of improvement, even though he didn’t start fixing things yet. His mere presence at the keyboard is enough to convince my computer to behave! 🙂

  • And there’s more cheese. And chocolate cake.

  • Dufus is a tattletale! Dufus is a tattletale! Now nobody’s gonna play with you during recess. 🙂

    I used to be with Bell, but I had a ton of problems with them, so I moved to Videotron. It’s funny, but you’ve got to be the only person I know who doesn’t have problems with them!

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  • Thank














  • I still can’t believe it…I’ve never lost a packet in my life!

  • We did try a whole whack of things, but nothing was working. And there was nothing else to close up, only Firefox or Outlook were trying to open. I think Mike has scared it into behaving temporarily, although it’s still not 100%.

  • I haven’t tried Google Chrome yet. Mike seems to think it might be an issue with my provider as well.

    Of course you can have some cheese! I’ll be home all day, come on by and pick it up! 🙂

  • He is my HERO and definitely knows how to rock tights and a cape!

  • When you run away and come live with me, bring Mike.

  • Somehow that doesn’t surprise me.

  • Well, I’M surprised. I’m more of a jeans kind of guy. Jeans and a cape.

  • Mike, jeans, whatever, you are a superhero in my eyes. And very dashing! That’s all I have to say about that.

  • Oh the frustration. I would be bleeding tears.

  • Anonymous

    I AM bleeding tears.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve seen Mike in his tights. The ones with the cheese logo on the chest.

  • Anonymous

    A full virus scan might be in order. Just in case somebody picked up a virus surfing…..uh, cheese sites. Cheese sites are loaded with malicious viruses.

  • The cape is what really makes the ensemble, don’t you agree?

  • Seriously! I was left with nothing to do but spend time with my kids! Oh, the horror!!

  • CheesyMike checked for viruses. It was one of the first things he did. He knows how much I enjoy a good cheese site.

  • This may be a little unrelated, but didn’t Mike have a contest about “Name that Beard”? Who won? Was it ever announced? How did I miss something like that? Was I in a blackout when it happened?

  • Yep, all was revealed in the original post. I was the dude with the beard.

  • Ate that too 🙂

  • Now I have to go back and look again. They all had beards, even the woman.

  • Boy was I wrong. Number 6, huh? Well, that’s a good looking beard but there is more of it than I expected.

  • oh no! I hope your internet gets fixed soon! I would be freaking out and foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog!

  • I was so trying to remain calm but I could totally feel the panic setting in! But CheesyMike, that technological wizard, saved the day and my sanity!

  • YAY!


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