Open Letter To My Fellow Passengers On The Montreal Public Transit System

Dear Fellow Passengers,

Were you surprised to see me today? It has been a while, I know. To be perfectly honest, I thought it was over between us months ago. I never thought I’d have to face you all again. You see, you may not have realized it, but I broke up with you. That’s right. I dumped your sorry asses. And it was definitely you, not me.

Like most relationships, when we first started out together, those little things you did were endearing. Standing so close I could smell your cologne. Reading over my shoulder. Whispering in my ear, telling me all about yourself. I was enamored. After all, it was so romantic, all of us together, reducing carbon emissions, saving the world. Ah, but like the roof of the Olympic Stadium, it all came crashing down. I’d find more and more excuses to drive in to work. I was running late, I had to work late, it was too cold out, too hot out, it was Wednesday. And then I just stopped seeing you altogether.

Then Jepeto had to take the car in to the garage today. Regular maintenance, nothing major. But that meant I had to take the Metro. We came face to face again. And I can see nothing has changed. So, I thought I should finally just tell you why I left you and hope that you are capable of changing. If not for me, then for the next passenger.

You reek. Stop drowning yourself in cologne and BATHE for a change! And for God’s sake, use some deodorant! Stop reading over other people’s shoulders!! They give out those newspapers FOR FREE at the entrance to the Metro. Just take one. Stop freakin’ muttering in people’s ears. People don’t think you are charming, they think you are batshit crazy. Jesus.

And finally, if we ever do find ourselves together again underground…


Stand the fuck back!



Related Posts

  • Mikewj

    You just summed up almost every feeling I’ve ever had about public transportation. I broke up with my bus company about a year and a half ago, and I don’t even miss her. She was too slow for me, she didn’t bathe often enough, and she was loud and crowded. I moved on. In my car.

  • there is definitely something to be said about one’s personal space. that arm’s length away makes a helluva lot of difference.

  • Isn’t it ridiculous? I really would prefer to take public transportation, but I keep wondering why they can’t make it more appealing with just some basic changes so we don’t end up feeling like cattle, or like we’re being herded to a prisoner of war camp! Simple things, like ventilation, would be nice. Longer train cars is another idea that springs to mind! As for buses, more dedicated express lanes make sense. And for both bus and subway, how about dedicated train cars/buses for people with basic personal hygiene skills? Doesn’t seem like too much to ask for!

  • Arm’s length is a fundamental human right! Or it should be 🙂

  • Nicky, You just summed up almost every feeling I’ve ever had about car pooling.

  • I long for the day when we have decent public transportation. Infrequent service with odd routes make it difficult to embrace the concept.

  • Girl, I feel your pain. I cannot deal with public transportation AT ALL. No way, and no thank you!

  • I couldn’t agree with you more but I think you are lucky enough to be able to drive to work where most of us can’t – or, in my case, couldn’t – due to distance, high parking fees, traffic and the travel time. It made it quite prohibitive. I do remember, though, having to avoid those cars with the least amount of people in them – it usually had a homeless person riding in it. Gah! What a stench!

  • You know that I think the metro is awesome. But yeah, the cars are old. Either way, you can stop complaining in 2014 when the new metro cars are delivered.

  • Living and working in, or near, San Francisco, I’ve always taken public transit. While it’s not always perfect, it really wasn’t that bad either. When the cost of parking in the City is $20 for 4 hours, driving made no sense at all. Usually the commute was quite a bit faster that in a car too because of heavy traffic. I did have a couple of too cozy encounters, but a sharp stiletto heel placed on an instep usually halted that right away.

  • You know that I think you are awesomely weird. I will never stop complaining. It is my God-given right!

  • I used to take the train in when I worked downtown and I loved it! Above ground, with air conditioning in the summer, heat in the winter, only 5 or so stops…it was perfect. The subway, however, is pretty awful. It’s like it’s been invaded by mole people, stinky, rabid mole people and they’ve gone crazy. Luckily, I don’t have to pay for parking where I work, so that’s not an issue. And since I don’t work downtown anymore, it doesn’t take me much longer to drive in then if I rode the subway. Plus, I carpool with a colleague. Overall, I can justify it 🙂

  • I’m not sure which is worse, the obvious homeless people, or the ones who look like they’re on their way to work and then turn out to be whack-jobs!

  • Seriously! I need to work from home…added bonus, I could wear my pajama jeans all day long! 🙂

  • They actually extended the subway into my part of the suburbs a couple of years ago, which has made public transportation much more reliable and accessible here. Unfortunately, they didn’t install mandatory showers before entering the train.

  • Um, ok. You’re welcome.

  • I’ve taken buses, trains, subways. You meet a better class of people on the trains. But the dirty people can be kind of fun unless it’s hot and they are too close and not cute.

  • That brought back distant memories for me! But you missed the people who press up against you, and then you realize that their hand is pushing up between your legs!

  • I’m so sorry to bring up the past, especially when it’s so unpleasant! And, no, I didn’t miss them at all, Babs!

  • AMEN!

  • Anonymous

    Ah yes, the memory of my first trip to Montreal will stay with me for the rest of my life. For it came while I was still trucking all over the place, and I was told that if you didn’t speak French, you’d better not cross the Quebec border. Well, being young, dumb and full of…um…cheese (yeah, let’s go with cheese), I went ahead and made the trip. Needless to say, it came as quite a shock to me to find that everyone I met could speak better English than I could. Could it be that some of my fellow truckers were having fun with me again?

  • When was the last time you were in Montreal HFH? Montreal is a pretty bilingual city, although it lost a large portion of its anglo community during the referendum. It’s possible your fellow truckers were teasing, but outside of Montreal you won’t find a lot of English speakers. Maybe they were talking about Quebec as a whole?

  • Anonymous

    I actually had two loads going to a produce wholesaler down in the very heart of Montreal, and I think the last one was sometime in 1992. I picked-up my back-haul somewhere down around Quebec City the first time, and they treated me all-right. I cannot remember where I reloaded the second time.

    I am quite sure that they were just pulling my leg, but I have met some really nasty seriously French-Canadians over the years. No, you don’t want to ask them if it is true that most of the Montreal Canadians started out as figure skaters…

  • And don’t fart!

  • LOL!! No, definitely not a good idea 🙂

  • SERIOUSLY! Jeez, talk about a gas crisis!! 🙂

  • That one guy on the end? The big one? He looks like he might be packing heat, so I’d resist the urge to smack him — if it comes to that — if I were you.

  • Working at home in jammies with Dixie tucked snuggly inside my robe is the best. On the other hand, I can see that I’m missing a lot of blog fodder.

  • Many years ago when I lived in San Francisco, I’d take the cable car downtown to work and that was sort of cool. The buses in S.F. were pretty good too. I couldn’t do a subway, though. That underground stuff will have to wait till I’m dead.

  • Anonymous

    Right? It’s a responsibility, Nicky.

  • Nicky, I have a surprise just for you over at my place. 😉

  • And one I take most seriously.

  • LOL! He does kind of look like he’s packing heat, doesn’t he?! Ok, I’ll exercise caution when issuing smacks 🙂

  • I could do the cable car thing, especially in San Francisco. LMAO! Well then, I hope you wait a very long time for that “underground stuff”!!

  • Hahahaha! I actually think I’d take the subway more often if he was on it 🙂 Maybe I should try his tactics, nobody seemed to want to get too close to him!!

  • Holy Canoli, Nicky I had no idea you were my neighbor. You are in Montreal, I am about 4 hours south of you in a whole different world called New York. In a town that lacks public transportation, unless you consider the horse drawn wagon down the road that hauls the hay.

    The one thing you have to realize being in Montreal, is the French influence that is prevalent in the city, hence the lack of daily bathing. Another great gift the French have giving the world. Along with a wide assortment of smelly cheeses. Au revoir

  • Huh. Turku doesn’t have a metro. I actually don’t mind taking the bus somewhere, I can read or sleep and I’m more likely to reach my destination than if I take my own car which is showing disturbing signs of catastrophic breakdown.

  • This is exactly why I could never live in a big city. My good friend and my sister live in Chicago and I LOATHE having to take public transportation when I go to visit them. Too many damn crazies/smellies!


  • RSS Feed
  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Pinterest