Dear Fellow Passengers,
Were you surprised to see me today? It has been a while, I know. To be perfectly honest, I thought it was over between us months ago. I never thought I’d have to face you all again. You see, you may not have realized it, but I broke up with you. That’s right. I dumped your sorry asses. And it was definitely you, not me.
Like most relationships, when we first started out together, those little things you did were endearing. Standing so close I could smell your cologne. Reading over my shoulder. Whispering in my ear, telling me all about yourself. I was enamored. After all, it was so romantic, all of us together, reducing carbon emissions, saving the world. Ah, but like the roof of the Olympic Stadium, it all came crashing down. I’d find more and more excuses to drive in to work. I was running late, I had to work late, it was too cold out, too hot out, it was Wednesday. And then I just stopped seeing you altogether.
Then Jepeto had to take the car in to the garage today. Regular maintenance, nothing major. But that meant I had to take the Metro. We came face to face again. And I can see nothing has changed. So, I thought I should finally just tell you why I left you and hope that you are capable of changing. If not for me, then for the next passenger.
You reek. Stop drowning yourself in cologne and BATHE for a change! And for God’s sake, use some deodorant! Stop reading over other people’s shoulders!! They give out those newspapers FOR FREE at the entrance to the Metro. Just take one. Stop freakin’ muttering in people’s ears. People don’t think you are charming, they think you are batshit crazy. Jesus.
And finally, if we ever do find ourselves together again underground…