I Have Ebola

virus, germs

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. ~ Willa Cather

I went to the clinic for blood tests. I have Ebola. I haven’t gotten the results back yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s Ebola. What? Why couldn’t it be Ebola?

See, I went to the doctor’s a couple of weeks ago. Nothing serious, just an annual check-up. Except, the last “annual” check-up I had was 6 years ago. Or 7. Actually, probably closer to 8. What? I’m still alive, aren’t I?

In any case, after scolding me, my doctor gave me a complete physical. Yup, a complete physical. From “say ahhhhh” to whacking my kneecap to “turn your head and cough”. What? You thought that was only for guys?

And then she gave me a paper to get some blood tests done and a lollipop.  Except without the lollipop. Sigh.

And then, two days later, I got sick. I was dizzy and nauseous. This week? My throat hurts and I’m feverish. See, that’s why I don’t go see the doctor.

So, Friday morning – and by morning I mean OMG-this-is still technically-the-middle-of-the-freakin’-night-morning – I was at the clinic with 3,000 other people waiting for this:

syringe, blood i have ebola

Needles don’t actually bother me. People who don’t bathe and then sit beside me, however, DO bother me.

Of the 3,000 people at the clinic, I got to sit next to an old woman who found it necessary to search incessantly through her purse. This wouldn’t have been an issue if she didn’t also elbow me continuously through her search. I found it necessary to throw myself down to the floor, rocking and crying like an Italian soccer player. What? Too much?

On the other side of me was a really old guy who found it necessary to show me his support hose and tell me all about his circulation problems. I found it necessary to tell him that walking is good for the circulation and he should take a walk. What? It’s true.

In front of me was a young guy who found it necessary to tell me all about the police scanner app on his iPhone. He was listening to all the police, everywhere. I found it necessary to tell him I thought people who talked to strangers about their iPhone apps were appholes. What? They’re not?

Also in front of me was a teenage girl who apparently forgot what her appointment was about and found it necessary to call her mom and ask her “Why am I here?”. I found it necessary to shout “AMEN!” at the top of my lungs. What? It’s an appropriate response to a very spiritual question.

Then, after only an hour and a half of all this bonding, my name was called and I was brought to a room with 4 chairs and 4 nurses and 4 really big-assed needles. I was told to sit in the chair next to a man holding a Tupperware container filled with pee. He peed in his own Tupperware. Ewwwwww. And I had to sit beside him. And then he coughed on me. Twice.

And that’s how I caught Ebola.


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