I Have Ebola

virus, germs

I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. ~ Willa Cather

I went to the clinic for blood tests. I have Ebola. I haven’t gotten the results back yet, but I’m pretty sure it’s Ebola. What? Why couldn’t it be Ebola?

See, I went to the doctor’s a couple of weeks ago. Nothing serious, just an annual check-up. Except, the last “annual” check-up I had was 6 years ago. Or 7. Actually, probably closer to 8. What? I’m still alive, aren’t I?

In any case, after scolding me, my doctor gave me a complete physical. Yup, a complete physical. From “say ahhhhh” to whacking my kneecap to “turn your head and cough”. What? You thought that was only for guys?

And then she gave me a paper to get some blood tests done and a lollipop.  Except without the lollipop. Sigh.

And then, two days later, I got sick. I was dizzy and nauseous. This week? My throat hurts and I’m feverish. See, that’s why I don’t go see the doctor.

So, Friday morning – and by morning I mean OMG-this-is still technically-the-middle-of-the-freakin’-night-morning – I was at the clinic with 3,000 other people waiting for this:

syringe, blood i have ebola

Needles don’t actually bother me. People who don’t bathe and then sit beside me, however, DO bother me.

Of the 3,000 people at the clinic, I got to sit next to an old woman who found it necessary to search incessantly through her purse. This wouldn’t have been an issue if she didn’t also elbow me continuously through her search. I found it necessary to throw myself down to the floor, rocking and crying like an Italian soccer player. What? Too much?

On the other side of me was a really old guy who found it necessary to show me his support hose and tell me all about his circulation problems. I found it necessary to tell him that walking is good for the circulation and he should take a walk. What? It’s true.

In front of me was a young guy who found it necessary to tell me all about the police scanner app on his iPhone. He was listening to all the police, everywhere. I found it necessary to tell him I thought people who talked to strangers about their iPhone apps were appholes. What? They’re not?

Also in front of me was a teenage girl who apparently forgot what her appointment was about and found it necessary to call her mom and ask her “Why am I here?”. I found it necessary to shout “AMEN!” at the top of my lungs. What? It’s an appropriate response to a very spiritual question.

Then, after only an hour and a half of all this bonding, my name was called and I was brought to a room with 4 chairs and 4 nurses and 4 really big-assed needles. I was told to sit in the chair next to a man holding a Tupperware container filled with pee. He peed in his own Tupperware. Ewwwwww. And I had to sit beside him. And then he coughed on me. Twice.

And that’s how I caught Ebola.


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  • Mikewj

    Gosh, I’m really sorry to hear about the Ebola — I know how bad it can be — but thanks for the tip about the police scanner app. I downloaded it to my iPad, and it’s awesome. Maybe I’ll even be able to listen in when they transport you and pulpy-brained, bleeding-from-every-orifice body to the morgue. That’d be so cool…

  • That’s terrible! I can’t believe you didn’t get a lollipop.

    Oh. And hope you feel better.

  • So that lady rummaging in her purse made you sick, eh, when she gave you an elbow, la. 

    Hope you get well soon.

  • I don’t like doctor’s offices/hospitals either.  Great places to get sick, after all only sick people go there.

  • Way to get a funny, clever post out of being thrown in with the diseased teaming masses.   I’m like you.  I have to be scraped off the front of a truck to get to a germ-infested doctor’s office.  Check-up?   Fuh-get-about-it.   

  • Nicky, you almost scared me to death.  I was getting my airline tickets to come to you when I read the title.  Now, Honey, relax.  I don’t think you have Ebola or much of anything except a virus.  Sick people make me sick too.  Actually, a lot of people make me sick.  Dogs are better.

  • No, no, I really have Ebola. You must come immediately and save my life. 🙂

  • Thanks Jayne! Yeah, I think the whole being proactive about one’s health thing is way overrated. As long as everything works, why tempt fate?

  • Exactly! I was perfectly fine until I went to the doctor. Coincidence? I think not!

  • Hahaha! Good one Dufus! And thanks 🙂

  • I know. My doctor totally sucks.

    Thanks, I’m sure I’ll get over Ebola quite quickly. Really. How bad could it be?

  • Not to worry my sweet.  I’ve chartered the G-4 and I’m waiting to hear from the medical crew who will be on board.  One thing though, There’s only room on board for you, the handsome surgeon, the internist, the ebola specialist and the two nurses.  Jepeto will have to come next time.  Same for all them kids.

  • Thanks, dude. You’re a real pal, ya know? Just promise me you won’t post pics of my bleeding orifices on facebook, ok?

  • Oh Man!!! I am so sorry! This past week I have had to work on all the units where all the patients are. My favorite part? When the nurse in a mask walks by me retching as she carries the stinkiest poopy diaper you can imagine in front of her. The sick poop smell lingered forever, as did the memory of her vomit sounds. Yup, sick is NOT pretty! Get better!

  • Now that is the perfect situation to catch ebola. And you don’t even have a lollipop anecdote! 

  • Oh Nicky! I’m sorry you’re not feeling well – but I am totally cracking up at your experience in the clinic with 3,00 other people.

    And, I am really sorry you had to sit next to a man holding a Tupperware container filled with pee. I definitely would have tried getting a photo of that!

  • Exactly!

  • Handsome surgeon, internist, ebola specialist and nurses. Check. No Jepeto, no kids. Double check!! Just don’t forget the lollipops, ok?

  • Ugh, how did you not throw up?! Thanks Katherine!

  • I know. If I had a lollipop, this would have been a whole ‘nother post. Welcome Megan 🙂

  • It was pretty funny, sweet thing, and at least I got some blog fodder out of it!

    I think the guy with the pee was the worst. I kept imaging him bringing the Tupperware home and… well, never mind. I’m just really glad I’m never going to get leftovers from him. 🙂

  • i’d never forget your lollys,  my little flower.

  • Ahahhaahahah. Ewwwww. Leftovers from Pee Guy!


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