I Need To Find A Gift

stripper, exotic dancer, stripper pole

Hell, I want her for my birthday.

My son, Jake, is turning 18 in a couple of weeks and I really need to find a gift. I’m stumped. I figured I’d go straight to the source and ask him what he wanted, rather than killing myself trying to find the perfect gift. His answer: “I dunno. A pool table?”

Yeah, that’s not happening.

So, I keep thinking about what to get him. What do 18 year old boys want? No, I’m not getting him a hooker. Or a stripper. Or a pool table. What does that leave?

He already has a computer, a laptop and a cell phone. He’s got a handheld game thing, I can’t remember what the hell it’s called, that plays music and does other stuff. Legally, he will now be old enough to drink here in Quebec, but he’s not a big drinker so booze is out.

I really want to get him something special, something meaningful because 18 is an important birthday. He is, officially, a man. He can vote. He can drink. He can no longer be tried as a minor. I can, legally, kick his ass to the curb lovingly help him leave the nest.

So today I had to go to Bureau en Gros (Staples to all our American friends) for work, and while I was there waiting for my prints to be ready, I decided to look around and see if they didn’t just happen to have the perfect gift for an 18 year old. Yes, I am that desperate for gift ideas. But wouldn’t you know it, they had an entire section of gifts. And bonus, they are already wrapped!


pen, notepad, sunglasses

They had this very practical car visor organizer. Except that would mean I would have to get him a car. Not happening.


digital coin counter, piggy bank

A digital coin counting money jar would mean he would then want me to give him money. Not happening.


chamois computer screen cleaner

A chamois computer screen cleaner shaped like a football? This would mean he would have to clean something. Not gonna happen.

plastic scooper, blue scooper, snowball fight

A snowball maker? Seriously? And who do you think he's gonna whack with them snowballs, hmmm? Not gonna happen.

A head massager... hmmm. The hell with the kid's birthday, I want this!! Gonna happen for me!

desktop curling game

A desktop curling game. The "quintessential" Canadian pastime. Please reach through your screens right now and stab me in the eyes. Not. Happening. Ever.

Ah, screw it! I gave him life, do I really need to give him anything else?


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