I Need To Find A Gift

stripper, exotic dancer, stripper pole

Hell, I want her for my birthday.

My son, Jake, is turning 18 in a couple of weeks and I really need to find a gift. I’m stumped. I figured I’d go straight to the source and ask him what he wanted, rather than killing myself trying to find the perfect gift. His answer: “I dunno. A pool table?”

Yeah, that’s not happening.

So, I keep thinking about what to get him. What do 18 year old boys want? No, I’m not getting him a hooker. Or a stripper. Or a pool table. What does that leave?

He already has a computer, a laptop and a cell phone. He’s got a handheld game thing, I can’t remember what the hell it’s called, that plays music and does other stuff. Legally, he will now be old enough to drink here in Quebec, but he’s not a big drinker so booze is out.

I really want to get him something special, something meaningful because 18 is an important birthday. He is, officially, a man. He can vote. He can drink. He can no longer be tried as a minor. I can, legally, kick his ass to the curb lovingly help him leave the nest.

So today I had to go to Bureau en Gros (Staples to all our American friends) for work, and while I was there waiting for my prints to be ready, I decided to look around and see if they didn’t just happen to have the perfect gift for an 18 year old. Yes, I am that desperate for gift ideas. But wouldn’t you know it, they had an entire section of gifts. And bonus, they are already wrapped!


pen, notepad, sunglasses

They had this very practical car visor organizer. Except that would mean I would have to get him a car. Not happening.


digital coin counter, piggy bank

A digital coin counting money jar would mean he would then want me to give him money. Not happening.


chamois computer screen cleaner

A chamois computer screen cleaner shaped like a football? This would mean he would have to clean something. Not gonna happen.

plastic scooper, blue scooper, snowball fight

A snowball maker? Seriously? And who do you think he's gonna whack with them snowballs, hmmm? Not gonna happen.

A head massager... hmmm. The hell with the kid's birthday, I want this!! Gonna happen for me!

desktop curling game

A desktop curling game. The "quintessential" Canadian pastime. Please reach through your screens right now and stab me in the eyes. Not. Happening. Ever.

Ah, screw it! I gave him life, do I really need to give him anything else?


Related Posts

  • But Nicky… Don’t you know that 18 is the “luggage” birthday?   That’s right.  “Happy 18th, pack this and get the hell out.”   Seriously, though…  A nice piece of luggage would be a very adult type of gift that he’d probably get a lot of use out of over the years.  If you want to get fancy you can get his initials put on it.   

    Then you can pack his things in it and leave it outside the door.  😉

  • Not luggage. Cardboard boxes. They’re cheaper and you can fit more stuff in them. And they are reusable. 

  • Ah, yes…went through this last year when my son turned 18…of course he turned 18 one month after our house burned down and two weeks after he had his wisdom teeth removed. It was a banner month. Still hard to pick the right gift…I suggest starting him on a tool collection. That way he can learn to fix all your stuff so later in life you can guilt him to come over and repair your kitchen sink after you drop your dentures in the disposal.

  • Mikewj

    Young men, like old men, dont want frothy gifts. Get him something he’ll use. Like a gift certificate to McPoutine. Or lube.

  • Jepeto

    Thank God you posted. That Jepeto post was awful. I’ll take Jake to the strippers, get drunk and go to Santa’s Village to see the goats. Ya know, my usual friday night. 

  • Not to mention that it only costs a couple of bucks for a magic marker to “engrave” his initials on it! Good thinking Shawn!!

  • That is a great idea, except that we went to Greece a few years ago, and we all got new luggage then. Maybe I could just pack the existing luggage for him? 🙂

  • LOL! “…after you drop your dentures in the disposal.” Hahahaha!!

    Actually, tools aren’t a bad idea. Jake “fixing” stuff, however, might not be a good idea either. 🙂

  • Sssssshhh! That’s what I’m getting Jepeto for his birthday!!

  • “That Jepeto post was awful.”

    That’s what she said.

  • I have no idea what to get an 18 year old boy, so I’ll comment on something totally unrelated.

    How come you are advertising British Gas?

  • I gave my grandson money for his college expenses.  Cash is always king with kids.  (With adults too, I think.)  I had asked him if he’s rather have an iPad or money and he said money.  You could always buy him an airline ticket to someplace warm and get him used to getting away from home.  

  • A lifetime gift certificate to the Cheeburger, Cheeburger? If it were me, I’d go for a life size poster of Ms Pole Dancer. Too bad she doesn’t play women’s beach volleyball.

  • Are you sticking to your day job, Jepeto?

  • Those pictures I sent you of me pole dancing were meant for your own pleasure, not for sharing with the internet. It’s okay, though, I forgive you, I just posted the picture you sent me of you and Jepeto getting it on to my blog.

  • Jepeto


  • Jepeto

    Lube!!!! You shouldn’t have! Gramma look! She bought me some LUBE! Yeahhhhh!!!! Everybody gather around the LUBE!

  • Jepeto

    ohhh when i catch you i’ll skype you good!

  • Don’t forget the gift certificate to McPoutine 🙂

  • We were advertising British Gas? Britain’s got gas? Who knew? 🙂

  • I’m thinking he’d probably appreciate the cash. And you’re right, it is the kind of gift everyone appreciates!

    I think I’ll keep the airline ticket for myself! I definitely could get used to getting away from home. 🙂

  • When’s your birthday Dufus? I can always send the pic to Mrs. D for you; let her know how much you’d appreciate it being blown up 🙂

  • Well, in my defense, I did post the picture of you where you are actually wearing clothes, and kept the others for myself!

  • You can just get yourself a one-way to San Francisco.  I’ll take care of the rest.

  • Jepeto

    Promesses, schmomesses…

  • Britain’s Got Gas. That’s a reality show I’d stay home for.

  • Jepeto

    I thought we advertised only for cheap Russian wives…now Nicky and Mike you crossed the line! I quit! *applauses and cheers*

  • Jepeto

    …and with the LUBE Nicky’s gonna buy me from x-mas.

  • Mikewj

    Hey, CheesyMike, you need to fix your comment thingy. It doesn’t work. Or it works poorly. It’s driving me mad. I have all these witty retorts to add to people’s comments, but it won’t let me.

    Unless it’s specifically blocking me….hmmm….hadn’t thought of that….

  • HA HA!  You forgot the mini desk zen garden!

  • Freak 🙂

  • Oh no, CheesyMike, he’s on to us…

    I mean, hmmmm. That’s a shame. We’ll get right on to fixing that.

  • Believe it or not, that’s the one thing they DIDN’T have! 🙂

  • If I were God…

    You want to go down as the coolest mom in modern history?
    Get him a stripper ON a pool table.

    (I would writ e mor butt i onlee hav one hand fre rite now)

  • But BonyMike commented, so I can’t tell what doesn’t work. I think F5 will probably fix his problem since other people are managing to comment.

  • AHAHHAHAHHAhahhahaha

  • when in doubt = cash.

  • I second Meleah’s laughter and as for being the coolest mom in modern history… not gonna happen! 🙂

  • I’m thinking that’s probably the best bet. Think he’ll appreciate $5? 🙂

  • Mikewj

    Or the lube. Properly applied, lube could help counteract the potential effects of eating too much McPoutine.
    P.S. — I trademarked McPoutine. I think it’s going to be huge.

  • Mikewj

    This fucking comment thingy is fucked.

    Uncle BonyMike

  • Mikewj

    Pardon the language.

  • F5!

  • You know what you should work on? McPoutine-flavoured lube!! I bet it would be hugely popular.

  • YEP!!

  • Bring it on!

    Seriously, I’m waiting. Where are you?

  • I’m Skype-ready if you are!!


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