Mike at Too Many Mornings was corresponding with Nicky at We Work For Cheese when he acknowledged that he was bored.
“Nicky, I’m bored again. Please entertain me,” he wrote.
Nicky had an interesting reaction to this request.
“What am I, a dancing monkey?” she replied.
But then, because Mike is a good friend and has been kind enough to entertain Nicky with his tales (and the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Antonio Banderas, not in his role as Zorro, but rather, his role as Puss in Boots mainly because of his fetish for hats), Nicky decided it was only fair to reciprocate, don her figurative fez and vest, and dance to the tune of the organ grinder. In other words, share a tale of tail.
My dearest Mike,
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Nicky who loved football. Yes, even at such a young age, Nicky was not your typical girl. While her friends had posters of Shaun Cassidy in their rooms, Nicky had posters of football players in hers.
It was the 70’s, the decade of the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Being a very precocious kid and a lot advanced for her not even 10 years, she chose to root for the Cowboys, mainly because Roger Staubuck had a much cuter ass than Terry Bradshaw. She loved the Steel Curtain defense, particularly Mean Joe Greene, but after weighing the pros and cons of each team, settled on the Cowboys because of Roger’s butt and the fact that the Dallas Cowgirl Cheerleaders were way hotter than the Steelers Cheerleaders.
Yes, even at such a young age, Nicky had somewhat ambiguous and questionable sexual morals and tendencies. She preferred the term “free-spirited”.
Superbowl XIII was a much anticipated event… Nicky was incredibly excited about it, especially since her parents had finally given in to her unrelenting whining and crying about staying up to watch the game. They made her take a nap during the day, but, in what would become an infernally long pattern of behaviour that would quickly become routine to her, Nicky faked it and they never knew.
Nicky’s older brother knew of her passion for football, and also had an idea of her passion for Roger’s behind. This may, or may not, have been the result of his reading her diary. He denies it still, but Nicky knows he is lying and he did it and will rot in the bowels of Hell for all eternity because of it.
But I digress.
So her older brother loved to taunt her. He told her Roger was going to lose to the Steel Curtain defense. He told her Mean Joe was going to flatten Roger like a pancake.
Nicky had no choice. She had to defend her team, her hero. Even though she knew it was wrong and her parents would not approve, another infernally long pattern of behaviour that would quickly become quite routine to her, little Nicky placed her very first bet. She bet her birthday money that her hero Roger and his gallant Cowboys would win the Superbowl. She would be vindicated!
It was 1978. It was cold. It was dark. It was over far too soon. The final score was 35 – 31. For. The. Steelers.
With a heavy heart, Nicky gave her birthday money to her brother. He paused as he saw the tears in her eyes, the way she was hunched over like a woman of 90 instead of a young girl of 9, the slow, dejected shuffle as she walked away. He paused and looked at the five dollar bill now in his hand.
“Sis,” he said.
“Yes?” she answered.
“You and Roger would make a great couple.” he said
“Really?” she said, perking up slightly.
“Yeah, you’re both LOSERS! Hahahahahahaha.”
And then I killed him so he could rot in the bowels of Hell for all eternity.