Guest Bloggers

OPUS JEPETIUS

 

chimp opus

Release your inner monkey.

A series of events led me to reopen the random thoughts file. First, I have a new job. Second, I read them again and they are fucking hilarious. Turd, I like to say turd. It’s gonna be tough to find a new way to number my thoughts without numbers. It’s like fingering without a finger, or jaywalking without a jay.  Got it! Gonna use physics. Chemical elements by atomic structure.

Sodium random thoughts

 

Hydrogen: So I started a new job at the same place, new department, new people, new beginning! Time for a fresh start; to get rid of my old rep of “that crazy mofo on the 4th floor”. Yep! New me! Serious me! Blah blah, yes of course let’s follow the procedures. Bluh bluh, that was funny, dear new colleague. Bloh bloh, of course I’ll buy 30lbs of popcorn for your kid’s scout team or whatever, blih blih. In other words, stay under the radar. It lasted 3 days.

Helium: My phone gave me up! Remember my new ringtone? I was doing my serious guy shit, and then YUUUUUUP!! YUUUUUUP!!! YUUUUUUUUUPPP!! Nicky called me on my cell. I totally forgot about my cell! Fuck! I could see the “What the fuck is that?!” look in my colleagues’ eyes… dammit, cover blown.

blue socks

The socks are actually white. The floor is actually blue. The odour actually “reeked” havoc with the camara.

Lithium: I am very happy at work now! The first 3 days of trying to be the new, serious guy were awful. I can now freely use my foot odor spray 4 times a day, and choke everyone in a 10ft radius. I can talk aloud to myself again. I showed my new colleagues Vagina-mouth Jepeto. I am FREE! I am ME!

Beryllium: Stop talking about receding hairlines. What we need is a RECEIVING hairline, godammit! I’ll recede your air line alright, you fucking people with thick, lustrous hair.

Boron: What the fuck is Boron? It sounds like a very dangerous name for something atomic. I mean a scientist with a cold could annihilate us because of that. Imagine it:
Scientist with a cold: Atchoo! Hey, you dere, pass de boron?
Officer: What did you say to me?
Scientist: Pass be dat Boron! Dno dno… nod de pludonium…Boron!
Officer: Fucking nerd!
Scientist: Dnooooo (Blinding flash)
Carbon: Is burning your leaves and smoking out your entire neighbourhood considered unfriendly? I dunno yet, I’m waiting for the smoke to clear to see how they feel about it. Crossing my fingers.
fangs, evil

‘Tis the season to bite Holly, falalalala mwahahahaha…

Nitrogen) We got an email at work for the x-mas party, we can choose three songs to liven the holiday spirit. Ok.

1-When Angels Deserve to Die (Chop-suey), System of a Down
2- No more mister Niceguy, Alice Cooper
3- 666 the number of the beast, Iron Maiden
Oxygen) I needed lots of this when my beautiful son forgot to put down the seat and fell into the toilet. I pretended not to hear him and flushed.
Fluorine) I always like putting a little music video to unload. Soooo GET NAKED AND DANCE!!! This video is dedicated to my beautiful girlfriend. I don’t know why but she always says it reminds her of me and calls it MY song, not OUR song.

Neon) Here’s a list of links of my contribution on WWFC. If you wanna know where the random thoughts started and so. Have fun and don’t take things too seriously! Life is like a box of chocolates, you always break your teeth on the fucking Nougat ones. So tell me which genius post of mine do you like the most? Or which one is the least bad?

 

I Am Skilled in the Art of Blogging in Thine Language, Sire
First post! (I thought a blog was a disease of some kind)- Oct 2010
December 30, 2009 (duh)
January 2010
March 2010
March 2010. The Epic Start of the Random Thoughts series
March 2010. Man I was productive in March.
April 2010
May 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
November 2010
June 2011
I would like to thank Mike and Nicky who have to put up with me even if I was banned at least five times from WWFC. It’s always a pleasure to post here, especially when I am waiting for a pre-post review (Which usually goes like this: Are you nuts? No way man!). So thanks for giving me the red light, guys, I appreciate it.

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  • Jepeto

    Sorry i have some technical difficulties, will fix the display soon (MIIIKE!!!!HELPPPP!!!) 🙂

  • Where? What?!

  • When I saw the title ‘Opus Jepetius’ I thought ‘trainus wreckus’ best ‘takeus coveri’, but it was notus badus, notus badus by halfus.

  • I’d say “don’t quit your day job” (that new one) Jepeto, but that wouldn’t be nice. So I’ll just say “I love your ring tone” and leave it at that.

  • That’s too funny. I have my filter on most of the time at work. Every so often my filter comes off and my boss pulls me into the office to “coach me”. But then I make him laugh and everything is good.

  • Actually, it would be very difficult to choose just one.  They are all such amazing and surprising pieces of work.  May I ask you a very personal question.  Did you actually kidnap Nicky and then keep her in handcuffs until you were able to brain wash her?  No wait, silly question.  Who did you hire to brain wash Nicky:

  • “Lithium: I am very happy at work now! The first 3 days
    of trying to be the new, serious guy were awful. I can now freely use my
    foot odor spray 4 times a day, and choke everyone in a 10ft radius. I
    can talk aloud to myself again. I showed my new colleagues Vagina-mouth Jepeto. I am FREE! I am ME!”

    That made me laugh so much, I have tears running down my legs.

  • Jepeto

    I have a huge penis.

  • Jepeto

    I had a couple of awesome bosses. The sad thing is I posted this yesterday and TODAY they dissolved my team and i was reassigned to a new team…i wonder if they read my post 🙂

  • Jepeto

    YUUUUUUPPP!!!!

  • Jepeto

    Halfus is goodus, fullus halfus or emptius halfus, zat is ze questionnus…

  • Jepeto

    I’m outta pills, home.

  • Jepeto

     I live to give. All kinds of shit. Laughter, Happiness, STD’s…

  • HA!

  • So do I.

  • *shuts down computer for the evening*

  • Oh come on, Mike.  You know that was funny.  Besides, what a little penis joke among friends.

  • Oh you know you could never offend me 🙂

  • I have nothing to add except that Mike made me laugh my head off.

  • And you know I don’t have a huge penis.  Or a penis at all for that matter.

  • Mikewj

    When Jepeto says he has a huge penis, I wonder if he means Hydrogen big, or Ununoctium big. Also, I went bowling once and accidentally threw a 20-pound ball backwards into the seating area. It was pretty embarrassing.

  • Jepeto

    Boron. 🙂

  • Jepeto

    so you say, Linda, so you say…

  • Jepeto

    I always wondered why Cardiogirl? You exercise a lot? If so cool, you can give Nicky some pointers (hihihihihi, love you baby!). Ok ok ok…i know…the couch again.

  • Jepeto

    Where’s Ziva? J’exige un commentaire de Ziva!

  • Okay, I do.  I guess one of us is telling the truth, Jepeto.

  • Mikewj

    Well, several boron compounds are known for their hardness and toughness, which is why they’re sometimes used in place of diamonds on cutting wheels. So I guess that explains Nicky’s smile. That or the booze. Or, that and the booze.

  • Jepeto, Jepeto… They don’t let your balding monkey ass out of the cage nearly often enough. I always feel so deliciously dirty after reading your posts, kind of like I need a shower, but also a little bit like I want to break out the boron and listen to Iron Maiden all night long. Congrats on the new job, don’t fuck it up right away. Also, if you really want to get rid of the neighbours, nothing gets into the curtains quite as bad as the stench of burning squirrel fur.

  • Jepeto

    I love you.

  • Jepeto

    Yep, i’m a boron in the ruff

  • Jepeto

    damn…cover blown again.

  • Your bitching about getting blown???

  • Jepeto

    it’s the cover who’s getting a bj, not me. So yeah i’m bitching.

  • Pingback: The Key To A Successful Relationship | We Work For Cheese()

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