Dear Margaret,
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. Been feeling kind of apathetic, really. Tonight I read something, however, that has completely changed all that. Tonight I read something so horrifying, so singularly and utterly dismaying, I am left trembling with the same sickening shock I felt the first time I heard that song by Opus, Live is Life (lala la lala).
Oh. The. Humanity.
What did I read that was so appalling? I read your most recent post, Margaret, of Nanny Goats In Panties®. I read your open letter to Kraft Foods, pleading with them to come up with a gluten-free version of Kraft Dinner.
Now, why would an otherwise intelligent humour writer do that? Just because your husband is allergic to gluten and you cannot live without the disgusting orange powder in an hermetically sealed envelope that they call cheese is no reason to beg like Jepeto in a liquor store.
I left a comment, of course. But as I was writing, I realized I had a lot more to say. So here is my comment again, unedited.
Funny, funny Margaret. You did make me laugh with this line:
“And who in their right mind makes macaroni and cheese from scratch? Amish people, that’s who.”
I’m not Amish. I’m also not in my right mind. But that is besides the point.
What is the point, you ask? Kraft Dinner is NOT cheese! Remember Agent Orange? Coincidence? I think not! May as well mix up some Draino with milk and butter and call it “cheese”. I say again, it’s NOT cheese!! You can add vegetables to it and it is still NOT cheese. *This* is cheese:
Notice the lack of orange powder?
You may call me a cheese snob, but Kraft Dinner does not compare to real macaroni and cheese. I say to you, I may be a cheese snob, madame, but that orange powdered crap is NOT cheese. Chalk dust? Possibly. Cheese? Not even close! Here is another example of cheese:
See? No hermetically sealed envelope. Just transparent cling wrap so you can see the cheesy goodness inside. And again, no orange powder.
I challenge you, Margaret. Boil up your gluten-free pasta. Put it in a colander to drain. Rinse the pot you boiled the pasta in. Put 2 tablespoons of butter in it. Over medium heat, sauté some minced onion and garlic in the butter. If that’s too much work, sauté some garlic salt and dehydrated onion flakes instead. Lower the heat and add 1 cup of cream cheese or Brie or Camembert or even a mix of all 3. Add some salt, pepper and any other spices you like. If you fry up some bacon before hand, you can crumble it in there too. Stir for about 5 minutes or so, until the cheese is saucy. You might want to add a little milk if it is too thick. Dump the pasta back in the pot. Stir until the pasta is coated. All told, takes about 20 minutes.
Then eat it. Then tell me it is not better than Kraft Dinner. I dare you.
Now, you know I love you, Margaret. You know I do and I have for eons. I love your writing and I love your sense of humour and how you turned me into a Twinkie ‘ho. I even love when you call me Nick (which nobody else is allowed to do). But I must say, this latest post of yours has me questioning our relationship.
It’s like I never really knew you at all. Sigh. It’s like you’re just some chick I read about on page 43 of Inside Arden. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me you really prefer Sno Balls.
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