Life

I’m Lazy, Old, Sick, Stupid And Tired. But Everyone Wants To Be Me.

junk mail, email, letters

Imagine a really witty caption here.

Can I tell you a secret? I used to have spam envy. That’s right. People were always sharing their stories about the funny email spam they would get, yet I would get no spam at all, so I couldn’t join in the conversation.

Ok, maybe no spam is a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say I got none of the really good spam. Mostly, I would get just get junk mail sent by friends and family. You know, the tired jokes, chain letters and the fake warning emails that get passed around endlessly by people who should know better.

My lack of spam was giving me a complex.

I visit porn sites surf the net, shop online, and have signed up for a few newsletters. Why didn’t I get offers of Viagra? Why wasn’t I being told I could make $5,000 a month working from home? How come nobody wanted to send me a lovely Eastern European bride?  Am I not worthy?

When I signed up with Skype, I was all excited to get my first Skype spam. The poetic request to chat, the broken English, the subtle inference that naked pictures would be appreciated and, of course, kept strictly private… Finally! I had arrived.

Or so I thought.

That was the first and last message I got from a Skype spammer.

Sigh. How much of a loser was I that even spammers didn’t want anything to do with me?

But all of that has changed now. The Internet gods have reviewed my file and found me deserving. For the past few weeks, I have been receiving spam. On an hourly basis. Every single day.

I am worthy, at last!

Except.

My spam is giving me a complex.

lazy, tree

Why do they say it's a dog's life? Seems to me like it's a sloth's life.

 

Apparently, after reviewing my file, the Internet gods have determined I’m too lazy to walk down the stairs to my basement twice a day to do laundry and far too lazy to walk the 12 feet from the door of my house to the door of my car. I’m getting emails offering me great deals on power chairs and scooters.

I look very happy for someone who's only seconds away from death, don't I?

I won’t need the power chairs and scooters for long though. Just until I choose the perfect senior living option for my lazy old ass. Luckily, I’ve been getting plenty of emails recomending a number of premium, yet affordable, retirement homes for me to choose from.

And I’m sure the good people at the home will be able to help me with my medicare enrollment. Now, it seems my advanced years have also addled my brain because I thought, being Canadian, I was covered by our universal healthcare plan and didn’t need to enroll for medicare. But, it would appear I must since the diligent people behind these emails most certainly verified my IP address before hitting send, right?

Yes, I graduated from Mascot School. Shuddup. It's not as easy as you think.

Mind you, I can’t blame this all on the senility. I know I just graduated this past September with 3 university degrees, but based on the rather urgent demands for me to sign up NOW to get an online degree, it seems I’m still stupid.

Of course, I’m sure being sleep deprived doesn’t help me any. I’m sure I’ll be better able to focus my lazy, old, addled, stupid self  once I purchase a lifetime supply of homeopathic sleep aids made by Buddhist monks and available at a whopping 70% off!!

So, yeah. I have a complex.

But don’t feel too badly for me. According to the alerts I’ve been getting, amazingly enough, as pathetic as I am, there are cyber criminals out there RIGHT NOW who are trying to steal my lazy, old, addled, stupid and tired identity.

I’m sure it’s because they don’t get no spam.

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