Life

I’m Lazy, Old, Sick, Stupid And Tired. But Everyone Wants To Be Me.

junk mail, email, letters

Imagine a really witty caption here.

Can I tell you a secret? I used to have spam envy. That’s right. People were always sharing their stories about the funny email spam they would get, yet I would get no spam at all, so I couldn’t join in the conversation.

Ok, maybe no spam is a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say I got none of the really good spam. Mostly, I would get just get junk mail sent by friends and family. You know, the tired jokes, chain letters and the fake warning emails that get passed around endlessly by people who should know better.

My lack of spam was giving me a complex.

I visit porn sites surf the net, shop online, and have signed up for a few newsletters. Why didn’t I get offers of Viagra? Why wasn’t I being told I could make $5,000 a month working from home? How come nobody wanted to send me a lovely Eastern European bride?  Am I not worthy?

When I signed up with Skype, I was all excited to get my first Skype spam. The poetic request to chat, the broken English, the subtle inference that naked pictures would be appreciated and, of course, kept strictly private… Finally! I had arrived.

Or so I thought.

That was the first and last message I got from a Skype spammer.

Sigh. How much of a loser was I that even spammers didn’t want anything to do with me?

But all of that has changed now. The Internet gods have reviewed my file and found me deserving. For the past few weeks, I have been receiving spam. On an hourly basis. Every single day.

I am worthy, at last!

Except.

My spam is giving me a complex.

lazy, tree

Why do they say it's a dog's life? Seems to me like it's a sloth's life.

 

Apparently, after reviewing my file, the Internet gods have determined I’m too lazy to walk down the stairs to my basement twice a day to do laundry and far too lazy to walk the 12 feet from the door of my house to the door of my car. I’m getting emails offering me great deals on power chairs and scooters.

I look very happy for someone who's only seconds away from death, don't I?

I won’t need the power chairs and scooters for long though. Just until I choose the perfect senior living option for my lazy old ass. Luckily, I’ve been getting plenty of emails recomending a number of premium, yet affordable, retirement homes for me to choose from.

And I’m sure the good people at the home will be able to help me with my medicare enrollment. Now, it seems my advanced years have also addled my brain because I thought, being Canadian, I was covered by our universal healthcare plan and didn’t need to enroll for medicare. But, it would appear I must since the diligent people behind these emails most certainly verified my IP address before hitting send, right?

Yes, I graduated from Mascot School. Shuddup. It's not as easy as you think.

Mind you, I can’t blame this all on the senility. I know I just graduated this past September with 3 university degrees, but based on the rather urgent demands for me to sign up NOW to get an online degree, it seems I’m still stupid.

Of course, I’m sure being sleep deprived doesn’t help me any. I’m sure I’ll be better able to focus my lazy, old, addled, stupid self  once I purchase a lifetime supply of homeopathic sleep aids made by Buddhist monks and available at a whopping 70% off!!

So, yeah. I have a complex.

But don’t feel too badly for me. According to the alerts I’ve been getting, amazingly enough, as pathetic as I am, there are cyber criminals out there RIGHT NOW who are trying to steal my lazy, old, addled, stupid and tired identity.

I’m sure it’s because they don’t get no spam.

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  • I made a mistake last month. I clicked “unsubscribe” on what I thought was an email I had subscribed to. No. It was spam. Since then I am getting 10 spam emails a day. Before, I would just get a few a week, mostly of the “Best Penis” variety.

  • I’ll send you some spam. Do you prefer the I’m-so-sorry-I-haven’t-been-around spam, or the I-will-make-it-up-to-you-in-ways-not-even-the-awkward-banana-can-compete-with kind of spam? Or would you just prefer it if I tell you your penis is too small and offer you a way to fix it? I can go either way, I’m flexible like that.

  • The spam I like best is the one telling me my Fedex? parcel is waiting to be picked up, but first I must open this file to get the number I need to get my parcel. As if I want to travel to the US just to pick up a parcel 😉

  • So, what you’re telling me is that this sudden rash of emails is not because I’m special? Gee, thanks. I hope you start getting emails of the Worst Penis variety.

  • Definitely the I-will-make-it-up-to-you-in-ways-not-even-the-awkward-banana-can-compete-with kind of spam!! 🙂

  • That’s hysterical, Babs! When you get your parcel, be sure to let us know what it is and who was kind enough to send your parcel to the US instead of the UK!! 🙂

  • Oh, I will! What’s your Skype name?

  • CheesyNicky, of course! 🙂

  • My dream is to someday get spam trying to sell me canned luncheon meat.

  • You and Babs both have Skype.  I do too but I don’t know how to use it.  I’m jealous now. What’s more, I get Spam but not good Spam.  I want the “enlarge your private parts” type Spam.  I want “order some groovy drugs on the internet” type Spam.  I get the occasional Nigerian prince who wants my bank account number Spam, and “refinance now” Spam.  That’s not the fun kind really.  I want something meaty like “Sell me your eggs” or “Sell me your children” Spam. 

    MWJ gets spam from Prada Shoes, for heaven sakes, all over his blog posts.  He gets “Nike” spam.  I keep spelling “spam” as “spem” and auto-correcting to “sperm” and I still don’t get anything fun or charming. 

    It’s amazing that you are old, tired, and sick, and all that and still look like a 25 year old hottie.  I think I’ve taken the wrong road someplace in my life.

  • I’m spam-deprived as well, although there is some cartoon bitch following me around on the Internet cautioning me about belly fat.  But don’t despair.  You still have mail solicitations for discount cremation services to look forward to.  

  • I think I’m spam deprived too then. Nobody is offering me geriatric appliances…I do get pictures of giant penises on Twitter. It makes up for the lack of mail order brides.

  • That is brilliant.

  • Hon, just email me your Skype name and I’ll call you 🙂

    Don’t feel bad about your spam. I get the refinance spam too, but that’s one I’m not going click on since I’m going to be moving to the home.

    MWJ gets Prada spam? I’m starting to think maybe he’s keeping secrets from us! 🙂

  • Yeah, ’cause you really need to worry about fat! 🙂

    Cremation services? Wheeeee… can’t wait!

  • I don’t know. I think I’d rather the mail order bride than the giant penises. Lord knows, I need a wife 🙂

  • Me too… I definitely need a wife.  After all, somebody’s got to do all those wifely things… like cooking, cleaning, laundry and other assorted evil tasks.

  • If it weren’t for spam, I’d be pretty lonely.

  • Awww, Boom Boom. I’ll keep you company. If they let me out of the home, that is. 🙂

  • Exactly!

  • I don’t get good spam either, but as soon as I turned 40 I was getting actual mail at the post office from AARP, seriously, then Premera sent me an offer I couldn’t refuse for Medicare part B coverage. Oh did I mention I’m 40 not 62 or even 65! Yeah, it sucks.

  • nonamedufus

    Spam, spam, spam and spam … http://youtu.be/anwy2MPT5RE

  • Ahahahahha! Well, I am glad you have *arrived* now that you’re being bombarded with spammers!

    I love the ones promising I’ve won millions of dollars. If only they were REAL!

  • LOL, I thought 40 was the new 30… not the new 60!

  • I’m imagining you saying that with a British accent 🙂

  • The millions of dollars ones aren’t real?! Darn, I was wondering how I was going to pay for the home…

    🙂

  • HA!

  • Jepeto

    I am a penis model for enlargement spams. The before picture.

  • Sigh.

  • I can’t tell if your sigh is wistful or resigned.

  • Wistfully resigned. 🙂

  • See? This is why they say “the grass is always greener…”.
    And “be careful what you wish for.”
    And “what’s that thing on your face?”

  • And that is why:

    – I stand on the other side
    – I only wish for money
    – um, it’s my face

  • Into every life a little spam must fall.

  • Uh hunh. Tell that to Noah.

  • Hey, I’ve been forwarding all my junk mail too you. Didn’t that make you happy?

  • Mikewj

    What exactly, I wonder, does Red mean by “junk mail?”

  • Mikewj

    How about a hermaphrodite mail-order bride? You know, for “well-hung” laundry?

  • Mikewj

    I get so much spam it pisses me off. Hundreds of them some weeks.

    On the bright side, I’ve arranged some very nice marriages between some lovely Russian brides and some incredibly well-endowed young men. It does feel good to be useful.

  • Most of them were in Russian so I’m not really sure what they wanted.

  • I’m sad to say that I really did appreciate it, Jen!

  • The one you sent me was in Spanish. 🙂

  • Lord knows, I like my “laundry” well-hung.

  • You really are a generous soul, aren’t you? Always thinking of others…

  • Oh, then expect some emails about Russian brides and how you can get one, cheap.
    Jennifer Brown
    651.271.0257
    Redheadranting.com
    Tribalblogs.com

  • Mikewj

    Sigh.

  • Great! I can really use another person around here who doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. Although, in the Russian bride’s case, it would be true.

  • Indeed.

  • You can edit that shit out for me next time. I got it this time but next time I leave my phone number on your blog please delete it for me. That might be why you don’t get as much spam as I do, btw.

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