Life

Wardrobe Malfunction

dreidel, toy top

I lost my top. It doesn't look anything like this.

I woke up this morning without my shirt on, which makes no sense since I was definitely wearing it when I went to bed. I spotted it at the end of our bed. I have absolutely no memory of taking off my top.

I immediately blamed Jepeto. He swore on everything holy and unholy that he was not responsible for my topless state. I believed him.

No, I’m not naive. He really didn’t do it.

No, really. He didn’t.

Fine, believe whatever you want. I know he didn’t do it.

Shirtless, I padded off to the bathroom. Where I saw this:

tummy, stomach, abs,

No, I'm not going to expand the picture. Perv. Yes, I was sucking in my stomach as much as humanly possible when I took the picture. Yes, that is SpongeBob Squarepants on my pajamas. Which is why I believe that Jepeto wanted nothing to do with me. I told you so.

It’s a star-shaped Spiderman sticker. In my belly button. I stared for a while. Eventually, I removed it. I stared some more.

star-shaped sticker, webslinger

I'm sorry, but I must ask the question. What. The. Fuck?

I have no explanation.

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  •  Liar.

  •  You’re welcome. And for that matter, so is Kerry.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Well, for now. I mean, I’m not a woman. I almost always have to take at least a short break.

  •  You sweet talker.

  •  Maybe Swedish, but definitely not Finnish. No self-respecting Finn will kiss a guy in a spider costume. Swedes, on the other hand, will do anything. At least according to the back of the video jackets.

  • Sure. Pretend. Ok. And sometimes, a Jepeto is just a Jepeto.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    I was just kidding around. You didn’t have to draw the guilt card to shut me up. It takes more than a blurry photo purporting to be a woman’s stomach with a Spiderman sticker in it to get me going. Usually, it takes Spiderman and the Fantastic Four or The Justice League before I’m even remotely aroused.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Jepeto lets you into his stash?

  • No frustration and there are no inane comments, only inane commentors. 🙂

    Please, do tell us more about your week in Macon County. I bet you were totally hawt in a jumpsuit…

  •  His stash? Um… yeah. His stash.

  •  Wuss.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    I used to think that about cigars. Trust me, sometimes a Jepeto is a lot more than a Jepeto.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Flourescent orange is a good color on me. Or off me, as I learned rather quickly.

  • I intended no guilt. I just assumed Kerry would appreciate not breathing in the toxic fumes of your inside/out alcohol bath. But maybe she’s into that kind of thing…

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    She lives with me. How whack do you figure that must make her?

  • But if you dreamed of Jepeto, would Freud have developed a whole theory revolving around it?

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    So many jokes here. But even I have standards.

  •  I live with Jepeto. I’m in no position to judge anyone.

  • What? No stripes?

  • Mikewj

    The comment above your most recent coment was meant to go above this comment.

  • Mikewj

    Sure, but not from the jumpsuit. And let me share one small piece of advice with your readers, assuming you have any left after this revolting exchange: If a large man with a Nazi tattoo on his forehead who claims to be your cellmate asks you to squeal like a pig, by all means squeal like a pig.

  • Mikewj

    Just to be perfectly clear, revolving around what, exactly?

  • Mikewj

    I’d rather not know what kind of position you’re in, but thank you.

  • Liar.

  • The dream, of course.

  •  Noted. Thank you. Btw, I’m sending you the bill for the therapy I’ll need after all this.

  • So, if I come for a visit, I think I’ll be staying at a hotel…

  • Spiderman is very disappointed to hear that Jayne 🙂

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