Was It Something I Said?

black telephone, vintage phone, old phone

I was washing dishes when the first call came in.

Man: Mrs. CheeseLady?
Me: Yes?
Man: I’d like to invite you to come by our offices and learn about how our insurance company can change your life.
Me: Where are your offices?
Man: About 30 minutes from you.
Me: Is your insurance company going to change my life by paying for my gas?
Man: Um… well, we’d like to show you the advantages of our various products.
Me: So you’re not going to pay my gas?
Man: Um… well… um… no.
Me: Ok, I’m not going unless you pay for my gas.
Man: Um… ok… thank you.

gas tanks

Pardon my standards, but I'm the kind of girl who needs to be wined and dined before getting screwed.

I was making supper when the second call came in.

Woman (speaking in French) : Madame FemmeFromage?
Me (speaking in English) : Yes, this is she.
Woman (speaking in French) : Euh… I call… euh…  journal La Presse… euh… parlez-vous français?
Me (speaking in English) : I must express my profound remorse, but alas, I fail to grasp the context of what you are articulating …
Woman (speaking in French) : Euh … I … euh … merci, bonsoir!

hot blonde, beautiful dancer

I don't care how sexy French accents are, I ain't buying. Unless you look like this. Then I'm buying a bazillion.

I was eating supper when the last call came in.

Woman: Mrs. CheeseLady?
Me: Yes?
Woman: I’m calling from Windows&Doors-R-Us. Do you have any windows or doors you are thinking of changing this spring?
Me: I don’t have any doors or windows.
Woman: No doors or windows you want to change?
Me: No, I don’t have any doors or windows at all.
Woman: Um …
Me (whispering) : *help me … please… let me out… *

And then there was dial tone.

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  • Now I want to call you and ask if your refrigerator is running, just to hear the witty response…

  • I got tired of being sarcastic and rude to unwanted callers so I just added myself to the DNC list. Now the only unwanted calls I get are from family.

  • Nicky, I don’t know if you really understand how much I love you.  And I can say it in French if you like.  You are a cold call I would never mind making.

  • Anonymous

    I can’t think of a sexier name than Mrs. Cheeselady. No wonder you get so many sales calls.

  • Oooh, you are good with telemarketers!  We can all learn from you.  Or else we can all just look at the call display, see that it’s a number we don’t know, and then not pick up and avoid the issue altogether …

  • No problem, Lost! My number is 1-800-SAR-CASM!
    You can expect a response along the line of:

    Running?! Hell no, it prefers the elliptical machine!!

  •  How does one become tired of being sarcastic? My family knows better than to call me.

  •  Ma belle Linda, je t’aime aussi… avec toute mon coeur. Tu peux m’appeler autant que tu veux! Je t’adore!! 🙂

  • I know, CheeseLady is a pretty fabulous name. I don’t think they actually want to sell me anything at all, they just want to be able to say they spoke to Mrs. CheeseLady. Sigh. Doesn’t everyone?

  • Oh, but what fun is there in avoiding them altogether? I like to think I’m helping liven up an otherwise sucky job 🙂

  • God, you are funny!!!  If Nicky Cheeselady was in the directory, I would prank call you for the fun of it.

    I tend to ignore the calls as pinklea pointed out.  I don’t get many of these calls as I am on both the Kansas and the federal “no call lists”.   But charities and politicians are exempt, I guess.   Seems wrong to mess with groups like the American Cancer Association and I doubt the guys running for Senator/Congressman/President have any sense of humor.

  • Ha ha!  I wish I was half as funny when I get these phone calls.  I do sometimes tie them up in knots before finally saying no. It’s fun.

  • Oh Mrs. CheeseLady, that last one was me. Remember how you said you wanted to spice up our Skyping, maybe do a little role-playing? I was going for the professional telemarketer come slutty phone sex giver, but then you started with the kidnappning thing and I obviously had to re-think my strategy and try to find some duct tape and an empty van I could borrow. 

  • Totsymae

    My sister goes into this slowly but surely sobbing motion. The caller feels so awkward, they hang up.

  • You could call me anytime, Cheryl! And no, I don’t think I’d try the same thing if it had been a charitable organization. I don’t think so. Probably not. I guess. 🙂

  • To be honest, Babs, I am usually polite but firm and the conversation never lasts very long. I don’t know what got into me, but I just decided to have some fun this time. And it was fun, at least for me! 🙂

  • Oh, Lemmikki, you forgot to use the safe words “awkward banana” so I would know it was you!! Please call me back!!

  • Hah! That’s a good one… I’ll have to remember that 🙂

  • Zut, je suis tres impressione, Nick The Cheese Chick!

  • My favorite response to a telemarketer is that Sienfeld episode where he asks the guy to give him his number so he can call him back. Of course the guy refuses and Jerry says something to the effect “Oh I see you don’t want me calling YOU at home and bothering YOU during dinner”.

    Oh by the way, I have a survey from the Quebec food and agricultural association I’d like to run by you. Have you got 15 minutes?

  •  Mais, bien sûr, mon ami Cornichon! Je suis très impressionante!! 🙂

  • That Seinfeld scene was brilliant! That being said, I understand these people are just trying to do a job. A crappy job, yes, but basically they’re just trying to make a living.

    That doesn’t mean I’m going to answer your survey!

  • Lindamedrano

     Nicky, I don’t want you speaking French to just anyone.  I thought it was kind of sacred between you and me.

  • Cool and clever responses to the calls that no one wants to answer.  And that is just what I do, or rather don’t do.  I look at the caller ID and if it is a name/number I don’t recognize or an out of area or toll-free call, I just ignore it.  We used to have phones that I could add numbers to be blocked, so I blocked out a lot of annoying calls.

  • Best responses to telemarketers EVER. I love you!! 

  • Best telemarketer responses ever!     You’re wicked.   I like that in a person.  🙂

  • It’s funny, we go through these really long stretches without a single cold call, then all of a sudden we get a whole slew of them. Because I was busy when each call came in, I didn’t take the time to look at the call display. Each of the telemarketers sounded so disheartened, I just had to mess with them a bit! 🙂

  •  Thank you, sweet thing! You know I love you too! 🙂

  • Thanks Jayne! I can’t help being wicked… my mother was wicked, and her mother before her and so on, and so on! It’s in my genes, although I’m not sure that would be a comfort to the telemarketers 🙂

  • Oh, hon! I may speak French to other people, but I only mean it when I speak it to you 🙂

  • I wish I could be that creative. I usually just hang up.

  • I had a grad school professor whose goal was to get the telemarketer to hang up on him. He had some good ones. Now he’s a catholic priest – so I guess he had to give up on that angle.

  • I once asked a telemarketer if they actually liked thier job.  She was taken off guard but couldn’t say ‘yes’.  I told her I didn’t blame her, that I used to do that too for a few weeks on college and it sucked. “Go find yourself a better job.  I did.”  She said thanks and hung up.

  • LOL! I don’t know if he’d have to give it up. I don’t remember any of the commandments saying Thou Shalt Not Mess With Telemarketers.

  • One might say God spoke to her and gave her a new purpose in life. One *might* say… if one figured she was already on his black list and may as well start worshiping a false idol. 🙂

  • “Pardon my standards, but I’m the kind of girl who needs to be wined and dined before getting screwed.”  Ha!  I’m stealing this line.

  • Everytime I hate my job I just thank God that I’m not a telemarketer.  Do you ever wonder what they did in a previous life to land that gig?  Beat kittens?  Poison puppies? 

  • Steal away, Nora! Theft is, after all, the sincerest form of flattery. 🙂

  • I think they must have done something really horrible, like give sarcastic answers to people just trying to earn a living… dammit!

  • Shit.  Well, save me a seat.  I want to sit with the cool kids when I pester people during dinner in my next life.

  • Nicky, Nicky, have I taught you nothing about safe Skyping? You only safeword when the Skyping gets too intense and you can’t take it anymore and you need a break. You don’t really need a break, do you? Because I think we should Skype some more..


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