Don’t Do This At Work

Does your company have a marketing department? Good, then listen up. If you’re collaborating with marketing, do not use certain marketing terms if you don’t know what they mean, if you’re not sure what they mean, or if you’re using it ’cause all the cool kids are. Seriously. I’m not joking. Don’t do it. Marketing people are crazy. They will punch you until you cry.

punch, black nailpolish, knuckles

A word of caution: if people in your marketing department have words on their knuckles, stay away from them. Or even if they don't.

First off, when discussing creatives for marketing materials, do NOT use the word “stylized”. Telling your marketing people you would like a “stylized” typography in an ad, poster, flyer or whatever, is like telling a bartender you’d like a glass of alcohol, please.  Somehow, over the last few years, stylized has become a really popular description, especially when talking about typography. “And we’d really like a stylized font for our Wankers Ltd. logo”.

Just so you know, stylized means “to design in or cause to conform to a particular style, as of representation or treatment in art”.  Did you notice the lack of specificity as to which particular style we’re designing in? Uh huh, me too.

yellow, black typography, toilet sign

If you ask marketing for a stylized sign, chances are good that this is what you'll get.

Next up is return on investment. Do not talk about return on investment to marketing people. Really.You’re taking your life into your own hands. You see, return on investment does NOT mean sales revenues. No, it doesn’t. Not ever. According to Wikipedia, return on investment, in marketing, means ” the optimization of marketing spend for the short and long term in support of the brand strategy by building a market model using valid, objective marketing metrics”. If you don’t immediately understand that sentence, you are not allowed to EVER say “return on investment”. Ever.

If you sort of understand it, you’re allowed to say “return on investment” once, and then you’re cut off.

sharp, blades

I'm not being metaphoric. Marketing people have very sharp scissors. Say "return on investment" twice and see what happens.

Lastly, and my personal favourite, is “wow factor”. We live in an age of information, 24/7. We live in a technological age. We live in an age of “Rule 34” (if it exists, there is porn of it – no exceptions). Do you know how many things make me say “WOW!” and mean it? 2. That’s right. 2.

josh holloway, lost, james ford, beach

This is one of the 2 things. The "wow" is usually followed by "who's your mama?"

So yeah, word to the wise: do NOT ask your marketing department for the “wow factor” unless you want all your marketing materials to feature shirtless Sawyer.

Actually, somebody please ask me for the wow factor. Please.

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