Life

My (Tooth) Brush With Death – Part II

The dental hygienist put her gloved fingers in my mouth. And yes, I survived. But my neurotic meltdown over germ-infested gloves was only the beginning.

woman dentist, rubber glove, surgical mask, blonde woman, dental hygienist

Yup, even days later, she's still evil.

She then proceeded to pull the left corner of my mouth over towards my ear. And over some more. And some more. When she reached my ear, she stapled my mouth to it. Ditto the right side of my mouth. Then she grabbed my bottom lip and pulled it down. And down some more. And some more. Until she reached my sternum. Where she then stapled my bottom lip. My upper lip was stretched up and over the top of my head. She didn’t staple it though. There was no need. She just used my hair to tie it down.

I borrowed this picture from my dear friend Dufus. I hope he doesn't mind, but I thought it went perfectly with this story.

She started the cleaning with a water pick. The first thing I noticed was that she muttered to herself. Constantly. The second thing I noticed was that she never actually completed any of the sentences she was muttering.

“Oh, first we’ll have to… mmm, I think maybe… no, that’s ok… why won’t it… oh, there we… I might… ok… I could always… oh, yes, I definitely… oh, sorry”

That final “oh, sorry” was actually directed at me. You see, the last but most definitely NOT least thing I noticed was that she was so engrossed in her mutterings that she would completely forget about the spit-suction-thingie (yes, that is the medical term for that particular apparatus) they use to vacuum the water and spit from your mouth.

When the water was flowing freely out of my mouth, running down my cheeks, my neck, the chair and eventually the floor (and I was half- drowned), she would break out of her reverie, issue the apology and place the spit-suction-thingie in my mouth for barely a second, which wasn’t even remotely long enough to suction up the ocean in my mouth. And with my mouth stapled and tied to various parts of my head and chest, there wasn’t much I could do, except gargle and breathe through my nose.

Toward the end of the ordeal, she unstapled my mouth from my ears and sternum and untied my upper lip. This was a major relief, because the next time I was drowning and she placed the spit-suction-thingie in my mouth, I was able to grab that sucker, wrap my mouth around it and pretend it was our first third date. That’s when I decided to name spit-suction-thingie Raoul.

After an hour of this torture, the dental hygienist was done. She gave me a new toothbrush, a Barbie-sized tube of toothpaste and a book of stickers. Except without the book of stickers. And she finally took her gloves off.

Of course, that’s when the dentist came in to fix my fillings. Yeah, he was wearing gloves.

root canal, surgery, latex gloves, needle

The bright light shining in my face to hide the sadistic gleam in my dentist's eyes... this is exactly what it looked like. Except that I'm a girl.

 

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  • AHHHHH!  I hate the dentist!!!! Of course I don’t think many LOVE the dentist, except the guy in Little Shop of Horrors.  UGHHHH I am WAY behind myself on a visit.  You didn’t mention gritty orange flavored vomitrocious fluoride.  EWWWW!

  • Well that’s not right.  You were a brave little soldier.  You definitely deserved stickers.

  • I am so glad you named the spit-suction-thingy.  I never thought  to do that and that  little “sucker” is the thing I hate most (well maybe??)  Raoul is always trying to either drown me, gag me or spray sh** all over me.  Now I have a name that I can mentally cuss at as no one would understand  my mumbling distorted speech with all the crap in my mouth  that would sound something like this …”ah hat u u illl ucccrrr”

  • Wait a sec, first you let that dental hygienist put her fingers in your mouth, then you cheated on me with the sucker Raoul? I don’t think you should go to the dentist ever again, this is just too traumatic for me.

  • I LOVE that you named the spit suction thingy Raoul. Brilliant. And I’m sorry for your ordeal. And a barbie-sized tube of toothpaste pales in comparison to that other reward you get for going to the dentist: A blog post. No, wait! Two blog posts.

  • At least she tied your lips back so she didn’t pinch them between your teeth and the spit suction thingy!  They always do that!

    Now I want to know why she didn’t have an assistant working that spit suction thingy.

  • Don’t do it Katherine! Learn from my horrific ordeal and avoid the dentist at all costs! What’s the worst that could happen… besides losing all your teeth, of course.

  •  No it’s not. Yes I was. I like you. Could you be my dentist please?

  • Well, seeing as spit-suction-thingy and I got up close and personal, it only seemed right to give my new boyfriend a name.

    “Raoul is always trying to either drown me, gag me or spray sh** all over me.”

    Yup, turns out Raoul is just like all my other boyfriends.

  • Lemmikki, Raoul meant nothing to me. I swear. But if it makes you feel better, I promise never to go back. Because I would really hate for *you* to be traumatized again.

  • Thank you Margaret. If you’re ever in Montreal, I’ll introduce you to Raoul. He’s not much of a conversationalist, but that wasn’t really what I saw in him to begin with.

    Two blog posts are good, I agree. I still would have preferred stickers, though.

  • Babs, I really wish I could look at the bright side. But seeing as my face is still horribly misshapen from this, it’s a bit of a challenge! 🙂

    It’s not uncommon for the dental hygienists to work solo here. Do they work in pairs in the UK?

  • Yes, they always have an assistant vacuuming away in your mouth 🙂

  • Lindamedrano

    Oh Baby, that’s dreadful.  Just awful.  But look at the bright side!  You are taking care of that beautiful smile and those lovely white teeth.  I wouldn’t like the “conversation with herself”, but it would bother me less than being given the sloppy shower that ruins my make up, my hair, my clothes, and even my shoes.  Bitches!  All of them!

  •  “I was able to grab that sucker, wrap my mouth around it and pretend it was our first third date.”   🙂   Making a dental cleaning entertaining is pretty damn skillful, my friend.   I think I would have named that apparatus “Clooney.”   😉

  • Thank you, Jayne! I’m so glad you liked it. For once, the damn thing actually pretty much wrote itself!

    LOL – Clooney! But with Raoul, you can roll the R… Rrrrrrraoul. 🙂

  • I must admit, the thought crossed my mind that it might actually be a good idea to just get dentures so I would never have to go through this again! But apparently dentures are no picnic either. I think I just need to find a dentist who will agree to give me general anesthetic. 🙂

  • What can I say?  George is my guy.  

  • Saimi

    And that’s why I use the Nitro, I float through the whole ordeal! You’re description was spot on!

  • I need to find a dentist who will give me Nitro just for a cleaning. Who’s your dentist?

  • KZ

    This whole ordeal sounds completely diabolical.  Also, that picture that you borrowed from Dufus is more than a little disturbing.  I’m dreading the inevitability of a grizzly Part III.  

  • Mikewj

    I wish somebody had thought to snap a picture of you with your head swallowed in reverse by your own mouth. That’s a pretty cool trick.

  • That picture is pretty gruesome, isn’t it? No fear, KZ, my tale of torture at the dentist is now over. There will be no Part III.

    Or will there? *cue evil music* Mwahahahahaha!

  • And here I thought you’d prefer to see the picture of me and Raoul. But you’d rather see my head being swallowed by my mouth.

    Kinda weird, my friend.

  • “That’s when I decided to name spit-suction-thingie Raoul”

    AhAHahhahahahHAHhahahhaaha!!

  • Well, it only seemed right after our time together… although he never called me the next morning. Sigh. 🙂

  • Men!

  • Horrors and nightmares!  I am so blessed with my dentist and hygienist.  They are beyond wonderful.

  • Actually, if I’m to be perfectly honest, my dentist is a great guy and his hygienist is as well – and both of them are ultra professional and good at what they do. It’s their patient who may be a little crazy and prone to exaggeration!  🙂

  • That’s a relief because I’ve been on the receiving end of some where such a story wouldn’t be that much of an exaggeration.

  • That photo is scary. I’m glad you didn’t drown! I can’t wait to hook up with Sergio, the name of the spit suction thingy at my dentist’s office. LOL!

  • Lauren, it really did feel like I was drowning and it was at that point that I realized that Raoul was probably the best boyfriend I ever had.

  • Love it!

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