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A Million Little Cheeses

Welcome to 30 Days of Writing, a 30 day creative writing challenge that is guaranteed to drive you to drink. Today’s prompt is “cheese“. On that note, I give you:

A Million Little Cheeses

Over the years, many people have asked me why I did it. They are all ultimately disappointed by the truth.

It was the cheese.

My name is James Whey. I don’t come from a broken home, I wasn’t abused as a child and I didn’t grow up in the projects. I had a loving family, good friends, a normal life. Except that I am addicted to cheese.

It started innocently enough, string cheese in my lunch when I was in Kindergarten. Then I started trading off the rest of my food to other kids for their cheese. By first grade, that wasn’t enough anymore. Pretending to need to use the bathroom, I would leave class before lunch and ransack the other kids’ lockers, stealing their cheese.

I was eventually caught, of course. And, of course, my parents were notified. My father wanted to send me to a “Dairy Recovery Program”. My mother, the enabler, talked him out of it and started sneaking me those little Laughing Cow triangles when he wasn’t looking.

In third grade, I was trading off my father’s baseball card collection and my older sister’s collection of Beanie Babies for a slice of cheddar, mozzarella, or – God willing – Provolone.

By junior high, my father decided to send me to an all-boys parochial boarding school, hoping for a divine intervention. I started selling my sister’s underwear to my classmates for cash, which I then used to bribe the kitchen help.

Despite my addiction, and the many months between bathroom visits, I managed to graduate high school and even got a job. By that time, my father had discovered the missing baseball cards. He threw me out of the house.

I moved in with my buddy Lenny. He was severely lactose intolerant, the perfect roommate for me. But then, without warning, it all fell apart. Lenny started dating this nurse chick, Lila. She liked cheese. A lot. And she would dip into my stash, which made me crazy. But she would also bring new and exotic cheeses, which kind of made up for what she ate.

One day, Lila brought over a new cheese. She told me it would blow my mind. She said it was called Cotswold.

"Bork bork bork!"

Oh my sweet Lord.

Cotswold.

The next day, while I was at work, she brought over these new experimental lactose pills for Lenny. Then Lenny and Lila ate all the Cotswold. Then Lenny and Lila passed out. Then I came home from work to find empty Cotswold wrappers strewn all around the apartment, stuck to the furniture were spoons with globs of melted Cotswold spilling off of them, and the worst  – scattered on the table were tiny traces of the Cotswold they had crumbled on top of a mixed greens salad.

I don’t need to tell you what happened next. It was all over the news, in as much gory, ratings-grabbing detail as possible. Suffice it to say, I’ve never been able to drink another glass of Chianti. Luckily, they don’t serve it much in prison. Plus? None of my new “roommates” ever touches my cheese.

###

This concludes my first entry into the 30 Days of Writing challenge. For referencing Cotswold, the holy grail of cheeses, I award myself 500 points. Don’t forget to leave a link to your “cheese” entry in the Mr. Linky thing below so I can come by and award you some points as well. Or make fun of you in your comments section. Whichever.

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  • Ha. A budding James Frey. No whey.  Loved the line “and many months between bathroom visits”. Funny post, Nicky. You’re off to a gouda start, although I don’t know that it’s worth 500 points.  

  • Off to a great start…Nicky.  Someone is touching your cheese, though.

  • Ha! That is good stuff right there. Well done on the cheese. It’s a tough thing, that cheese. Hope there aren’t many nights of cold sweats in the big house.

  • You know, that would’ve been a very funny story, if it wasn’t for all the cheese. I award you -500 points for making Cheese a prompt. I still love you, though.

  • Wowwy! That was a great start to this month! I must admit that I don’t think I’ve ever had cotswold cheese. I’ll have to give it a try and hope that my will is strong enough to keep any addictions at bay.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    This is such a good story that I stopped being bored while I was reading it. Then it ended, and I got bored again.

    Anyway, you don’t have any more of your sister’s underwear to sell, do you? Because I might know a cash buyer. Japanese fellow. Sweet man.

    And in an unrelated question, why is your post on top of Mike’s instead of side-by-side like you did it during 30 Days of Photographs II? Do you like it on top?

  • This was the most brilliant cheese story ever written.   Carry on.

  • You wrote this just for me, right?   🙂    What an inventive, fun way to go.    Love, love, love this.    Now off to share it far and wide.   

  • Ha ha!  Did I forget to comment here?  Please don’t deduct points for that. I did actually read it, I just got caught up in reading all the others :))

    So I shouldn’t trust you around my cheese board then?

  • Love the story, and can only imagine the apparent joys of Cotswold – if it’s even available around here.  It sounds like it can inspire all kinds of emotions.

  • Who are you, Hannibal Liptauer?
    That was fun.

  • Since you work for it, I had no doubt you would be able to pull this prompt off, not to mention it was your idea…you damned well better : p ! And you did. Congratulations…on to the next one: uh oh, I think I might be “blocked” on it ;).

  • Glad you enjoyed, Dufus! I’m also glad that I’m the judge and you aren’t. 🙂

  • Hah! The best part of this challenge begins! Thank you Cheryl.

  • Thanks, P.J.! Detoxing from cheese (or Chee-tox, as I call it) is a terrible experience. Which is why I don’t bother. 🙂

  • Of course you love me. Day 17’s awkward banana and Day 23’s stiletto shoes kind of guaranteed my place in that black heart of yours. 🙂

  • Why, thank you LM! You should really try Cotswold, it is fabulous.

  • I’ve never had Cotswold but have heard of it.  Originally, I though it was a British term for an accessory of medieval clothing, you know, like a codpiece.   Hmmm, now I’m rethinking of every trying it.     😉

     

  • I’m glad I could cure your boredom, even if only for a little while.

    I don’t really have a sister, so no, I don’t have any more to sell. Perv.

    To answer your unrelated question, my post is on top of Mike’s to demonstrate my superiority. Obviously. Seriously, we decided not to combine posts for this challenge since the posts could potentially be too lengthy. Unless Mike really does decide to write a limerick every day. Then I just don’t want to be associated with him.

  • You always know just what to say. 🙂

  • Well, I definitely had you in mind when I wrote it! I’m glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for sharing it 🙂

  • No worries, Babs! I haven’t made the rounds completely myself. I’m glad you’re enjoying reading everyone’s contributions. And no, you should definitely not trust me around your cheese board. 🙂

  • Thanks, Linda,  and you should really try to find some! It is delicious! 🙂

  • Yes, I am Hannibal Liptauer. And speaking of alter egos, I love your new persona, GOuDa. 🙂

  • To be totally honest, UP, I actually had a really hard time with this one. Maybe because it was the first, maybe because I’m insane. 🙂

  • StubbornFool

    You took 500 points! I only got 15. 

  • Yeah, I’m pretty sure this competition is rigged. Although, that means that you could probably bribe the judge in order to get more points.

  • It actually does sound a little like it would be an accessory, now that you mention it. Luckily, it doesn’t taste like one. If you ever manage to find some on that rock of yours, Dozo, you should really try some. It’s awesome!

  • Ellie Belen

     A tale of caution for those with an overwhelming cheese obsession. A lesson here for sure and  a new cheese to find.  Thanks. 

    Joining in on the writing challenge. 

  • You MUST describe Cotswold.  YOU MUST.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Wait, you don’t “really” have a sister? I sense an interesting story here. Please, do tell.

  • Welcome Ellie, and glad to have you participate!

  • Katherine, it is indescribable. You HAVE to try it to believe its awesomeness!

  • June O’Hara

    Cheese addiction is a tough one to beat because, unlike crystal meth or ecstacy, you can find it almost anywhere.

    Loved reading this! 

  • Tell it to me straight, June. As a therapist, have you ever been able to help a cheese addict? Please, give me some hope for the future… 🙂

    Glad you enjoyed!

  • You’re not alone! Hello, my name is Meleah and I am a cheese addict. 

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