Entertainment

They Know Me Like The Back Of Some Random Stranger’s Hand

Facebook has or will have over a billion users this year, depending on which link you clicked on when you Googled “How many people are on Facebook in 2013?” Which is why it makes me laugh when I read post after post about how much people hate Facebook. Everybody hates Facebook so much, yet there are about a billion active users. So yeah, anyone who claims to hate Facebook is full of it.

Except me, of course.

You know why I hate Facebook? Not because it tracks me through the sites that I like. Not because it now owns every picture I’ve ever posted. Not because Facebook has decided that I’ve been to New Hampshire because somebody in New Hampshire tagged me in a photo of not me in New Hampshire.

And no, it’s not even because it’s decided my real name is Nicky-and Mike and actually informed me of this when I tried to change the WWFC account name to Nicky Not Mike because I was tired of having to tell people that it was me on Facebook and not Mike because Mike is afraid of Facebook knowing too much about him. Obviously.

No. I hate Facebook because of poor follow-through. That’s right. I believe that if you’re going to collect massive amounts of information on people, you should at least pay some fucking attention to that information. Even just a little bit.

See, if Facebook was paying attention, it would have noticed that I like things like my friend Malisa’s Zapp Hall Antique Show page or my friend Ana’s awesome Dexie Design steampunk/goth jewellery page. Or things like my friend Linda’s Three Ladies Walk Into a Bar blog post. And that I liked my friend John’s post about Vegas Stiletto Fitness Sexy Dance.

If Facebook even made the slightest effort, it would surely have noticed when I updated my status as such:Β 

So I came home, completely ignored my family and logged onto my computer. Then I realized the writing challenge is over and I don’t have to write anything. I’m still ignoring my family though. And I’m drinking.

Hell, I even reiterated the point not long after:

So, a week later, I’ve gotten used to the fact that the writing challenge is over and I don’t have to write anything. I’ve stopped ignoring my family. But I’m still drinking.

Based on those few likes and two status updates, you would think it would be easy to figure out that I like cool old stuff, edgy jewellery, drunk women bloggers, and stilettos. And that I’m not really crazy about my family but I do like alcohol. A lot. Doesn’t seem like rocket science, does it?

Yet somehow, Facebook, armed with all this information and oh so much more, still thought that they should suggest POSH BABY BOUTIQUE STORE page for me.

suggested page

In case you can’t read the fine print, it says “GET YOUR WEDDING FLOWER GIRL TUTU DRESSES HERE. BIRTHDAY TUTU GIRLS CLOTHING. SHOP TODAY!”

Facebook is the worst spy ever. It’s like the Inspector Clouseau of social media. And that’s why I hate Facebook.

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  • Peter
  • KZ

    Okay so wait a minute…is this Nicky or Mike? I’m confused.

    Facebook is silly, and stupid, and often imperfect, but it’s generally a fun website since people tend to congregate and hang out there. I admit I probably wouldn’t be on Facebook half as much if it didn’t allow me the opportunity to pimp out my blog URL. I agree, though. Facebook is a terrible spy.

    It is, however, a great place to see pictures of what your friends are eating for dinner tonight.

  • Birthday tutus? Can you flip me that link?

  • You mean to tell me that Nicky and Mike isn’t your real name. As for Facebook…

    What I dislike (hate might be an overstatement in my case) about FB is the idea of how gullible people are in the “workings” of FB. When people go on and on like it is some gracious master plan to reunite people that have lost connections. Hell…this isn’t a match making service…it’s tracking you and getting information. I agree with you though. It’s flawed. I don’t use FB much so I get why they haven’t figured me out. But my husband who ignores his family and spends plenty of time there, should be getting personal invites to Zuckerberg’s house for dinner.

  • I thought it was beyond strange when I started getting “Where to stay in Phoenix” banners across the top of every page I opened. Say what? I mean, why aren’t they offering “Where to stay in Montreal”? Or “Where to buy stilettos in Paris”? They are dumb and FB is a time suck, but I do look at it more than I should.

  • I spent months telling Facebook that I had no interest in certain (all) ads, in order for Facebook to learn what interested me. I told them I was not interested in gambling sites. I even told them that they were against my beliefs (not that they are). I refreshed the ads and guess what? All the new ads were gambling sites! I installed AdBlock and didn’t have to see any more ads. So what does Facebook do? they force us to view ads in our news feed now.

    Facebook doesn’t CARE what we like. Facebook PRETENDS to be interested. Facebook will FORCE us to view things that they are getting paid to push down our throats! I guess you realize that I hate Facebook ads?

  • Tami Von Zalez

    I’m on the cheese roll – I’m on the cheese roll (does the happy dance). Course it is all about ME MEMEMEMEMEMEME.

    Oh, now where was I – oh yeah FB. I can chime in on that one. You know you hate FB when you learn FROM FACEBOOK your adult son is in a relationship.

    One of my fav feeds – Regretsy, does not “feed” anymore because April won’t pay for a sponsored post. Good for her! I just added them to my Google reader. Middle finger to you FB.

  • I yell at fb all the time but fb never responds. I’m pissed that fb uses me as a spokesperson for products or companies I never endorsed.

  • June O’Hara

    I don’t hate Facebook as much as I should. The main thing that drives me crazy is these random people forever showing up in my feed and chat window. WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY? According to Facebook, they’re people I interact with most. To this I respond, “WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?” And where are the alerts from the people I really do want to show up on my screen? They’re just so full of shit about this.
    So. Your reasons for hating FB are better than mine. I’ll have to cultivate more sophisticated resentments.
    You’re such a funny person.

  • That’s hysterical and illustrates my point perfectly!

  • It’s neither Nicky nor Mike. Or maybe it’s both Nicky and Mike. Or maybe it’s really Mike and Nicky. The possibilities are endless, KZ.

    I don’t expect Facebook to be perfect, but if my wordpress blog can rotate ads based on the content of my post, then why the hell can’t Facebook?

    Really? People post pictures of their dinner on Facebook? I hadn’t noticed…

  • Check your email, Princess! πŸ˜‰

  • I know it’s hard to believe, but no, my name is not Nicky-and Mike. πŸ™‚

    Your husband and Jepeto sound remarkably similar. We should introduce them. Via Facebook, of course!

  • Facebook is definitely a time suck, but it can also be a great way to keep in touch with long-distance friends/family… like when someone in Montreal needs to see what her darling friend in Alameda is doing… πŸ™‚

  • To be honest, Babs, the ads don’t really bother me. I know everyone hates them and hates that they’re putting them in the news feeds now, but that doesn’t even faze me… I’ve become accustomed to ignoring ads. I just wish they would actually rotate the ads so they at least reflect my tastes. It’s not like Facebook doesn’t have the ability to do that… I believe they have a couple of “decent” programmers in their employ. πŸ™‚

  • Well, I have to be honest. It’s the standard of the ads that bother me. All these revelations on how (any given celebrity) lost pounds of belly fat in days with this shock ingredient, or how a fifty year old woman (who looks 90 actually) got rid of all her wrinkles and now looks 30, or younger. They are the ads that bother me, because they are lies. They insult our intelligence. I’m surprised that Facebook would accept them, or don’t they have to follow ‘Trading Standards’ guidelines?

  • See, now I haven’t seen those kinds of ads on Facebook in… well, I don’t even know how long. But I don’t know if it’s because I’ve just ignored them or if it’s because they’re not there anymore. I may have to start paying more attention to them… or maybe not! πŸ™‚

  • Yes, I’ve finally gotten around to updating our cheese roll. Congratulations, although I’m not really certain that it’s that much of an honour… πŸ™‚

    I hate to break it to you, but Google reader is going bye-bye in July… I wonder if Facebook is behind this…?

  • Wait a second, Lauren! I only bought that “special” cream because you did… didn’t you? πŸ˜‰

  • Once upon a time, June, I befriended all those “Who the fuck are they” people because I thought it would help us attain celebrity status. I’m actually starting to get rid of some of those “Who the fuck are they” people because I really don’t want to know what they’re doing every minute of the day. Especially since they’re not aiding in our quest for world domination. The fuckers.

    Um, yes. Sophisticated resentments. That’s what I’m known for.

  • I’ve actually thought about unplugging from it a little. Then I remember I have pages connected to my account. And I realize if I disable my profile, the pages go, too. And I know if I don’t disable it, I’ll use it. I hate Facebook.

  • The thing that comes to mind is the map. I’ve tried six ways from Sunday to get rid of that thing. I don’t want people knowing where I am or where I’ve been. I didn’t ask for it. ARGH!

  • My Dearest Nicky not Mike,

    Facebook has become a necessary evil because it preys on people’s fear of being “left out”… Like you’re at a party. A real life party. With real people in your general vicinity where you can talk out loud to them and everything. An IRL party, if you will. But the virtual reality is, during that IRL party, someone will invariably say, “Oh, did you see Mildred’s video? Frickin’ hilarious! Oh, you didn’t see it? You HAVE to see it! Oh you aren’t Facebook friends? Oh, you should be Facebook friends. Oh, you aren’t on Facebook? Girl, you HAVE to be on Facebook. I hate it, but I’m on it. Otherwise, I don’t know what’s going on…” etc. etc. etc…. You know, stuff like that. Of course then you go on Facebook and you still manage to miss what everyone else is seeing because Facebook won’t show you what you want to see.

  • Hey Nicky! I hear you! I am bombarded by adverts for the Indian Matrimonial Service, High Heels, Lingerie and Viagra. Which suggests I’m a desperate single guy with kinky tastes and a droopy dick. Oh, wait. Dammit. *sigh* Well, I still love you, darling. Got any more shoe pics? Roth x

  • I wish I could say I’m sorry for tagging you in that photo of when we weren’t together in NH but I can’t because I had so much more fun doing whatever I was doing when I imagined Nicky not MIke was there too. (By the by, I have a couple of younger friends who change their FB names whenever the spirit moves them. I’m guessing FB doesn’t grant Canadians the same rights as residents of the US. Profiling sucks, eh?)

    Your reasons for hating Facebook are my reasons for loving it. I have a steady stream of ads on my sidebar that have absolutely nothing to do with what I like or who I am. It gives me great comfort to know that at least one site on the interwebs isn’t stalking my every move.

    (Have you tried going into Account Settings, clicking on Edit next to your name, and replacing your first name with ‘Nicky’ and your last name with ‘not Mike’? Worked like a charm for me – I just became Nicky not Mike for an hour and oh boy, did I have some fun.)

  • Sure you do P.J. Sure you do. πŸ˜‰

  • Linda, just have a few friends around the world tag you in random photos and nobody will know where you are anymore! Especially if you get them all to do it on the same day. πŸ™‚

  • You realize I’m going to spend the rest of my life looking for Mildred’s video on Facebook now, right?

  • I adore you too, Indigo, regardless of your… eccentricities. And I have plenty of shoe pics. You do have a credit card, right? πŸ™‚

  • You LIE! You did NOT become Nicky not Mike for an hour… did you? Can you show me how you did it because I tried again and FB still won’t let me!! And I had a great time doing what you imagined we were doing when I wasn’t actually there too. Remember that time we weren’t anywhere and didn’t say anything? Hahahahahahahaaa….. sigh. Good times. πŸ™‚

  • I miss all of those times too. ::sigh::

    Did you create Nicky-and Mike as a person or page?

  • I figured it out! HUZZAH!

    If your first name is ‘Nicky-and’ & your last name is ‘Mike,’ you can add a middle name of ‘Sans’ or ‘Nyet’ to create Nicky-and Sans/Nyet Mike. Most people know sans and nyet mean without or not but FB doesn’t. FB won’t allow the use of Not so you need to find a translation of the sentiment to fool it into believing it’s your middle name. Voila!

  • Facebook is like the really bad boyfriend that you keep going back to and you can’t figure out why..

  • I puffy-heart Facebook.

  • I love you. Really. Truly. With all my heart. Marry me?

  • That is exactly what it’s like!! Except without the really disappointing sex.

  • I know you do. Which is why I tolerate Facebook. Because I puffy-heart you. πŸ™‚

  • It worked! While you weren’t looking, I used your laptop to peruse posh baby boutique sites, and liking them on Facebook. You’ll also soon be getting adverts for life size My Little Pony toys. Have fun, my love. πŸ˜‰

  • xoxox

  • Sure thing. Before or after you marry Linda and Ziva?

  • OMG… “drunk women bloggers”… that is me… RIGHT NOW!

  • Facebook drives me nuts, but I still like to drink…no, I mean, I still use it. Hey Nicky, I just gave you a Sunshine Award. Hope you like that sort of thing.

  • I agree It is how you get “in.” Funny post Nikky!

  • Jay of The Depp Effect

    Oh, tell me about it!! I have been having a ‘close down the stupid Facebook ads’ campaign in the last few weeks to see just how long it takes for the ads you hide to be extinguished. I have been frustrated, annoyed, angry and mildly amused in turn, but mostly annoyed and angry.

    I so agree with you. It can’t understand that I find quick-fix weight loss and wrinkle cream ads offensive (which I truly do) and that I so dislike Sky TV that I have in fact cancelled our subscription, but it picks up on the fact that I’ve booked a hotel in Genoa. Well done, FB, but you still got it wrong. I BOOKED a hotel, so really, you know, that means I am NOT still looking for one, so you can quit with the ‘Genoa hotels’ ads. Sheesh!

  • Jen@whenpigsflyblog

    Yes! I have complained bout this on blog posts as well. I have no children, don’t smoke and am athletic. FB sends me ads about baby clothes, smoking cessation programs and weight loss. So, they’re telling me I’m Honey Boo Boo’s mom? I’m more than insulted. And, that’s hard to do.

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