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The Day I Didn’t Almost Kill Ziva And M But Then We Got Drunk Anyway

My visit with Ziva and and her husband M hit rock bottom when – in a slightly inebriated state – I decided to drape myself drunkenly pose rather mockingly with a statue that turned out to be in front of a church or something (and had rice all over it, which I assume is some kind of offering to appease God or the Great Pumpkin or whatever) and which ensured that I completely sullied the global reputation of Canadians as a polite, respectful people and  basically further secured my spot in Hell – not that there was ever any doubt I’d end up there, at least not according to my eighth grade English teacher, Mr. Crosby.

But who begins  a story like this, right? Let me start over.

CheesyMike and I drove to New York city a couple of weeks ago to meet the long-distance love of my life, Ziva. Oh yeah, and her husband M (Who. Doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh.)

My excitement at meeting Ziva grew exponentially in the week leading up to the trip. I felt like a kid before Christmas, waiting eagerly to see all my presents. So, I took it as a sign that our weekend was blessed when Santa stopped into the Sarasota Springs diner where CheesyMike and I were having lunch.

Santa Claus photobombed us

I had to appear nonchalant so Saint Nick wouldn’t know we were on to him. Plus, we ate all the cookies.

And it seems that somehow, somewhere and at some point in my life, I must have done something to earn some clemency from the universe, or karma, or whoever’s in charge, because CheesyMike noticed that the window right by my head had a bullet hole in it.  That’s right, just a little bit northwest of the sign that says “Sorry We Missed You!”

I'm pretty sure this was the universe's way of telling me this was a one-off deal.

The universe, or karma, or whoever, sure does have a quirky sense of humour. Lolz…not.

Had Ziva and M come to New York at some other time – maybe a day earlier, or a week, or a month, or a year or four years… well no, not four years because I didn’t know Ziva four years ago even though it feels like I’ve known her forever which is impossible because I haven’t been around forever and neither has she but I’m prone to exaggeration and it doesn’t really matter because I think you understand where I’m going with this. Who knew Sarasota Springs was so ghetto? And that Santa’s gone gangsta?

In any case, I didn’t die so we continued on our way. To New York. To Ziva. Oh yeah, and M. Who. Doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh.

And we did all kinds of things:

picnic in central park

We had a picnic in Central Park.

We crossed the Brooklyn Bridge

We crossed the Brooklyn Bridge

 

A little shoe shopping, of course.

A little shoe shopping, of course.

 

We quickly located the New York Public Library so when the tsunami and subsequent ice age hit, we would know where to take cover.

We quickly located the New York Public Library so when the tsunami and subsequent ice age hit, we would know where to take cover.

 

The city of New York even celebrated our meeting by throwing a parade.

The city of New York even celebrated our meeting by throwing a parade. For us. Just for us.

And while we were doing all these things, we were sneaking pictures of each other.

What do you expect from a bunch of bloggers used to hiding behind cameras?

What do you expect from a bunch of bloggers used to hiding behind cameras?

 

I don't care if she is a one-eyed cyclops, I think she's beautiful.

I don’t care if she is a cyclops, I think she’s beautiful.

Besides walking all over Manhattan and trying inconspicuously to take pictures of each other, we also spent a lot of time laughing. I can’t even remember most of what we laughed about, but everything was funny. And that’s because Ziva and M are just about the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet. Yes, even M. Who. Doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh.

You see, while we were walking, sneaking and laughing, I was busy falling head over heels for these two beautiful people. Literally. On Madison Avenue, I believe it was. Wearing my zombie heels. I think it was shortly after telling Ziva about how I fall a lot – even when sober – and how I once fell while standing perfectly still.

How does one NOT fall in love with that beautiful smile?

Is it any wonder I fell? I think it’s a miracle I could walk at all.

 

He's pretty awesome considering he doesn't. Even. Blog. Sigh. Just don't, for the love of cheese, do NOT take a blurry picture! M considers blurry photographs a crime against humanity. Punishable by death. And intense swearing. In Finnish. It's quite a sight to behold, I tell you.

He’s pretty awesome considering he doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh. Just don’t, for the love of cheese, do NOT take a blurry picture! M considers blurry photographs a crime against humanity. Punishable by death. And intense swearing. In Finnish. It’s quite a sight to behold, I tell you.

So we walked, we snuck pictures, we laughed, I fell literally and metaphorically and everything was absolutely perfect. And then we discovered Nikivas.

Named for Nicky and Ziva, these babies look deceptively innocent but pack quite a punch. Just like Nicky and Ziva. Go figure.

Named for Nicky and Ziva, these babies look deceptively innocent but pack quite a punch. Just like Nicky and Ziva. Go figure.

And I just realized that the glass in the forefront of this picture is slightly out of focus. Dammit. Nobody tell M, okay?

So, we may have had a couple of Nikivas. Or three. Or four. Or five. Whatever. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that, at all.

Nothing wrong with that, at all.

And then I hit rock bottom.

Rock, meet bottom. Bottom, rock.

Rock, meet bottom. Bottom, rock. 

In my defense, love makes us all do stupid things. And alcohol makes us do even stupider things. And sometimes alcohol makes us look at a hooded statue and think it looks nothing like a religious icon but totally like Michonne in The Walking Dead and wouldn’t it be a great idea to take a picture with a zombie killer because how cool is that, right, and then you realize the zombie slayer is covered in rice and maybe you need to move your ass before you burst into flames.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Despite my disorderliness, I was not struck down by some higher being – probably because few beings could be higher than I was but that is besides the point – and Ziva, M and CheesyMike were kind enough to forgive me and eventually we all ended up in bed together, drunk blogging. Except for M, of course. He. Doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh.

I miss them terribly.

Sigh.

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  • Well, thank God you blog. You had me laughing and crying bloody tears at times because of the rice or was that ricin? What a fun, wonderful time you all had. The pictures were amazing and you really captured your NYC visit perfectly with your words. I’m glad you dodged the bullet.

  • Oh baby, blasphemy looks great on you. Not as good as I look on you, of course, but still pretty damn good.

    I had such an amazing time with you guys, and I miss you like crazy. I wish I could come live with you in beautiful Canada, and eat sweet sweet maple candy and drink Nikivas and make out all night long.

  • Nicky, I think you are totally safe from bad Karma on the getting sloppy with the statue business for a couple of reasons.

    A. No higher power would fault you …..after all you had been drinking Nikivas.
    B. High powers have a great sense of humor or how could you explain so many people not being hit by lightening daily.
    C. You are Canadian and I am pretty sure Karma LOVES Canadians. As far as you sullying the image of all Canadians being polite…that is a lock in. The minute someone starting thinking otherwise, a polite Canadian would apologize and all would be forgiven.

    Looks like you had great fun. I agree that Ziva and M (he doesn’t even blog, sigh) are beautiful people but then so are you. I am so glad that the timing of the trip kept that bullet from coming through the window on your schedule. Perhaps, Santa Claus is your guardian angel. Have you noticed him following you prior to this trip?

  • ,,,and visit nonamedufus?

  • You lived the New York minute. Over too soon. Sounds like you had a wonderful time. I really should have gone. I can get drunk with the best of them…which you guys obviously are.

  • Tami Von Zalez

    I think that looks suspiciously like a gay pride parade, um, yeah, a parade just for the two of you. Lookin awful cozy in the grainy, dark bar pic. Just sayin.

    I do believe you have new specs too ….

  • I’m pretty sure God doesn’t want any display of gratitude for anything I do, Lauren 😉

    We really did have an amazing, fun-filled weekend. At least, I did and everyone else was just too kind to say they didn’t.

  • Oh, but you CAN move to Canada and live with me and eat sweet sweet maple candy and drink Nikivas and make out all night long. Any time you like. Like now. Or now. How ’bout now? Does now work?

    Yeah, I miss you too. Lots.

  • Thank you for absolving and complimenting me Cheryl. You are a doll!! And you know, I’ve never noticed Santa following me around before, but I’ll have to start paying more attention. And maybe not drink so many Nikivas. Naw! 🙂

  • It was awesome, mon ami. And I would totally have made room for you on the statue. 🙂

  • It does sort of look like a gay pride parade, doesn’t it? If you squint and blur your eyes a little, maybe…

    Yes, that bar was very cozy. And quite friendly. I highly recommend it. 🙂

  • Tami Von Zalez

    Yep, those rainbow flags are a dead giveaway ~

  • Blah blah blah Ziva Ziva Ziva blah blah M M M blah blah blah fun drunk love blah blah blah

    Ok. So you had a fabulous time! Nobody really read this, they all just looked at the pictures and sighed, poured a stiff drink, and rocked themselves gently while sitting in the dark. Or was that just me?…

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    There is something about the opening paragraph of this post that seems very familiar to me, almost as if I’d written it myself. But maybe that’s just because I’ve had four Nikivas and I’m also having visions of Michonne in his underpants.

    Damn, I wish I’d been there with you four. You could’ve told a lot of “fifth-wheel” jokes, and I could’ve laughed my ass off everytime you fell over or CheesyMike’s hairpiece blew off.

    Nice photos, too. I particularly like the one of you wearing my dead grandmother’s horn-rimmed glasses. God I miss that woman and her strict adherence to 1950s fashion.

    *hugs*

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    P.S. — Ziva and M are awesome, but her new blue shoes are really awesome.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    What do stiffs drink?

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    I’m sure Ziva and Nicky kissed in that bar to show their support for gay marriage and recent Supreme Couet decision supporting it. Also, because they were really drunk. Also, because it’s sooooo hawt.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    You would’ve totally made room for NoName in bed.

    You know, to drunk blog.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Santa follows you because Santa remembers what you whispered in his ear when you sat on his lap. When you were 38.

    Not everything on Santa’s naughty list is bad.

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    Do you enjoy making out, NoName?

  • mikewjattoomanymornings

    If I understand my Christian theology correctly, and I think I do, God can’t see you because your sin hasn’t been washed in the blood of the lamb, Nicky. Which confuses me. If he can’t see you because he can’t look upon sin, then how does he know everything? I mean, in your case alone, there’s a long, long list of sinful facts that he’s missing out on.

    A long, long, long list. Makes for some great bedtime reading, too, as far as I’m concerned.

  • You certainly look like you had a fantastic time which, I’m sure will be repeated.

    Having recently spent two days (Yes only 2 days) with Kathy and Dave, I can feel your sadness that they have gone. Mo and I miss them terribly and would never have believed that such a bond could happen the moment we met. It was as if we had always been friends. How strange the blogging world is.

    I want Ziva’s lens!

  • “It was as if we had always been friends.”

    Exactly, Babs. And yes, the blogging world is strange… strange and pretty wonderful too.

  • Familiar? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you’ve had more than four Nikivas ’cause Michonne is a girl.

    I only fell over once.

    Bwahahahahahaha…Mike is not wearing a hairpiece!!!! That’s part of a tree behind him…heehee

    Listen, Mr. KnowsNothingAboutFashion, retro is in. Or maybe I am your dead grandmother, come back to haunt you. BOO!

    I wish you could have been there too. 🙂

  • Don’t want to rub it in but they’re even better up close and personal.

  • Not Nikivas.

  • It wasn’t just you. I did the exact same thing. I’m not sure it counts though… I do that all the time. 🙂

  • Apparently not. Santa’s always been quite good to me. It might have something to do with the ‘cookies’ I leave him, though…

  • That drink would’ve been known as a Nikifusiva, maybe.

  • Yeah, I’ve already got a room.

  • Well, I’m ready for another road trip, but I’m thinking that next time we should take a plane somewhere.

  • Tami Von Zalez

    Nah, it was me too …

  • KZ

    Look at you guys getting all sexy in New York. It looks like you had a fantastic time. On the other hand, my idea of a good time is getting drunk, putting on my statue disguise, and sitting down in a prominent spot waiting for drunk ladies to drape themselves all over me. Different strokes, am I right? Bloggers are a strange bunch.

  • “But who begins a story like this, right?”

    you do. YOU DO. and thank you for that. it’s why I love you so.

    And I’m not nearly as shocked at your draping yourself over a religious icon as I am that you are NOT WEARING HEELS! Did you also not wear heels while walking across the Brooklyn Bridge? The next thing you’ll tell me is that you go to bed without them.

  • No higher being could possibly strike someone so hopelessly in love… with Ziva… and M. Who. Doesn’t. Even. Blog. Sigh.

  • What?! No videos? I’m sure some singing must have been involved at some point. Love the photos. Thanks for sharing your debauchery with the rest of us who can only aspire to flagrant fun-partaking! 🙂

  • Absolutely LOVED this post… the pictures… the story…. I so wish I could have been there! Two beautiful women… what a lucky man Ziva’s husband was! I would have loved to hit rock bottom with all of you! 🙂

  • Okay but I’m driving.

  • Your comment explains a lot. I wondered why the statue was also covered in cat fur.

  • It’s true that I sometimes wear flats but Margaret, I promise you that if we ever go to bed together, I’ll keep my heels on 🙂

  • I guess that must be it, BoomBoom. No other possible explanation. 🙂

  • I don’t believe there was any singing. And since there are no videos to prove otherwise, I say again, there was no singing! 🙂

  • Katherine, M is a lucky man for many reasons… all of which begin with Z! And hitting rock bottom takes surprisingly little time when I’m around Katherine. 🙂

  • That was nice of NYC to throw you a parade. Looks like you had a great time all over the town. How did that city get such a bad rep. Not fair.

    Anthony Weiner should get a dachshund and name it Oscar so the press can ask “Hows Oscar Mayor Weiner when he is elected.

  • Oh, Nicky!! I am soooooo thrilled you guys had such a wonderful time together!!! And I MUST drink a Nikiva one of these days!

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