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To Friend Or Not To Friend

avatarWay back when we started WWFC, we – ok, I – I created a Facebook profile and fan page for the blog. I immediately started sending friend requests to everyone on the planet with a Facebook profile in the hopes that we would become viral sensations thus aiding in our quest for world domination.

Ahhhh, just take a moment and imagine it, if you will. A world run by We who Work For Cheese. Sigh. There would be cheese and shoes and universal healthcare for everyone. Why universal healthcare? Because we’re Canadian and socialists, of course. But think about it. People would be kind to each other because everyone would have cheese and shoes and universal healthcare. What more could anyone want? There would be no more war.

CheesyMike and I would rule… well, really, I would rule and CheesyMike would go around taking pictures of cats. I would text him regularly to ask him for his opinion regarding matters of state and then promptly do what  I want anyway because that truly would result in a Utopian world. Truly. And CheesyMike wouldn’t really care anyway because he would be taking pictures of cats and posting them on Facebook. He’d get bazillions of “likes” from our adoring fans/friends with their cheese and shoes and universal healthcare.

happy people

Sigh. Sounds perfect, right?

The sad reality is that I friended a few people I know in real life, quite a few people I met in the blogosphere and a whole whack of people I don’t know from Adam but who accepted my friend request in the hopes that they themselves would become Internet sensations and one day rule the world. Absurd, I know. None of them has a plan that includes cheese.

Now I had many reasons to hate Facebook, but to top it all off, my feed ended up a mess. There were more updates from people I didn’t know then from people I did know. Many more. Many, many, many more. Ridiculously more.

And so, I’ve decided it’s time to thin the Facebook herd. The following is my Top 10 criteria to determine who gets the axe:

  1. You have “Guru” in your name
  2. Your avatar is a sock puppet and you have “Etsy” in your name
  3. You describe your child’s/children’s bodily functions. At length.
  4. Your avatar is naked and extremely unattractive
  5. You send me an invitation to a Happy Mothering event or a 30-something event even though I’m 40-something and believe my children are going to kill me while I’m awake.
  6. You invite me to build a farm. More than once.
  7. You write in a language that looks like the WingDings font
  8. You try to convert me and/or save me
  9. You openly and flagrantly disrespect cheese
  10. You indulge in rude or troll-like behaviour

There you have it. And it’s quite effective. The problem is, while implementing the cuts is greatly improving my Facebook feed, it isn’t doing a damn thing for our attempts at world domination. Sigh.

Fine. You can send your friend requests to Nicky Eff. Just make sure you don’t match any of the points above.

I will cut you if you do.

Nike

 

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  • But do I have to remove “guru” from my business cards?

  • Okay, Okay, I’ll stop hiding under bridges and hurling insults at passers-by. But there better be some great cheese in it for me.

  • When I first started Facebook, I friended over a thousand strangers, in order to play a game successfully. I soon stopped playing the game and then had the task of un-friending them all. I still have a handful of them, that I made friends with. I recently separated my ‘Christian’ friends into a second Facebook account, to leave me free to post what I want and not be judged and yes, even scolded on the odd occasion.

    Too many friends can be a real problem

  • My FB rule is no more than 40 friends. period. So I friend and cut regularly. Makes me feel in control of my little world here in paradise.

    Oh, and I hunt down and kill the farm builders.

  • ReformingGeek

    Hee Hee. “You have guru in your name.” Oops. That is a bit much. I like that list. I think we all have some connections that meet that criteria. I think we’ll have to make an exception for Ziva, though.

    Oh my on Bab’s comment about the 2nd FB account. That’s a little sad that her “Christian” friends judge her posts. Ugh. I do find myself sometimes filtering what I post because I have a lot of conservative friends and I don’t want to offend.

    Sigh. Gotta love FB….and world domination!

  • I doubt that I even know 25% of my FB “friends”. I don’t even know how they got there. Did I friend them? Who ARE these people? Biff? Buffy? Beau? Excuse me?

  • As long as you’re ruling the world, may I please be Ambassador to Cotswald?

  • Yes. Yes you really do.

  • But of course, mon ami! There will be no shortage of great cheese for everyone. We might even get you some snazzy new shoes 🙂

  • I know what you mean Babs. I actually got rid of my personal account because it was just too much of a juggling act.

  • Could I hire you? You could be a farm builder assassin 🙂

  • Yes, Ziva has disrespected the cheese on many occasions but her charms more than make up for her disdain for cheese, so I always forgive her.

    You know Reffie, when I – I mean, we – we rule the world, you won’t have to filter anything. Nobody will be offended by anything because of all the cheese and shoes and universal healthcare they’ll have. 🙂

  • I don’t know who they are either, hon! But what really gets me is how much noise they make!! I’d find myself seeing updates from you and other real friends only every now and again because they were taking up all the space. Enough!

  • Done! We’ll begin work on your embassy immediately! 🙂

  • “A world run by We who Work For Cheese. Sigh. There would be cheese and shoes and universal healthcare for everyone.”

    Um – yes please.

    “And so, I’ve decided it’s time to thin the Facebook herd.”

    Ah yes – I’ve done that a few times. It’s quite liberating, I tell ya!

  • Nicky, I vote for WWFC for world domination. I’d especially like to hear more about your health plan. Will Mayor Ford keep his job under your administration or at least be banned from making TV appearances?

  • Oh my god, I almost started crying when I saw #9, but then I read your response to Reffie’s comment and now I feel all better again. You are the cheese-loving light of my life, Nicky Eff.

  • This is the first time I’ve done this and I’m so glad I did. Now when I log in to Facebook, I actually see you guys and can finally comment on things as they happen and not 2 weeks later!

  • Lauren, you will find that most politicians will not hold their positions under our administration. Basically, anyone who has committed fraud, done hardcore drugs, taken bribes, acted in a corrupt fashion, abused the power of office, lied to constituents… well, I guess that means ALL politicians really. Now, the health care plan is simple. Everybody pays into a single plan that is used to care for everybody. You get sick, you get treatment. And not in the South Bronx. 🙂

  • Lemmikki, my finger never moved anywhere near the unfriend button by your name. You are the cheese-hating darkness in my life, Ziva Moon, and I couldn’t possibly live without you. 🙂

  • YAY!!!

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