To Friend Or Not To Friend

avatarWay back when we started WWFC, we – ok, I – I created a Facebook profile and fan page for the blog. I immediately started sending friend requests to everyone on the planet with a Facebook profile in the hopes that we would become viral sensations thus aiding in our quest for world domination.

Ahhhh, just take a moment and imagine it, if you will. A world run by We who Work For Cheese. Sigh. There would be cheese and shoes and universal healthcare for everyone. Why universal healthcare? Because we’re Canadian and socialists, of course. But think about it. People would be kind to each other because everyone would have cheese and shoes and universal healthcare. What more could anyone want? There would be no more war.

CheesyMike and I would rule… well, really, I would rule and CheesyMike would go around taking pictures of cats. I would text him regularly to ask him for his opinion regarding matters of state and then promptly do what  I want anyway because that truly would result in a Utopian world. Truly. And CheesyMike wouldn’t really care anyway because he would be taking pictures of cats and posting them on Facebook. He’d get bazillions of “likes” from our adoring fans/friends with their cheese and shoes and universal healthcare.

happy people

Sigh. Sounds perfect, right?

The sad reality is that I friended a few people I know in real life, quite a few people I met in the blogosphere and a whole whack of people I don’t know from Adam but who accepted my friend request in the hopes that they themselves would become Internet sensations and one day rule the world. Absurd, I know. None of them has a plan that includes cheese.

Now I had many reasons to hate Facebook, but to top it all off, my feed ended up a mess. There were more updates from people I didn’t know then from people I did know. Many more. Many, many, many more. Ridiculously more.

And so, I’ve decided it’s time to thin the Facebook herd. The following is my Top 10 criteria to determine who gets the axe:

  1. You have “Guru” in your name
  2. Your avatar is a sock puppet and you have “Etsy” in your name
  3. You describe your child’s/children’s bodily functions. At length.
  4. Your avatar is naked and extremely unattractive
  5. You send me an invitation to a Happy Mothering event or a 30-something event even though I’m 40-something and believe my children are going to kill me while I’m awake.
  6. You invite me to build a farm. More than once.
  7. You write in a language that looks like the WingDings font
  8. You try to convert me and/or save me
  9. You openly and flagrantly disrespect cheese
  10. You indulge in rude or troll-like behaviour

There you have it. And it’s quite effective. The problem is, while implementing the cuts is greatly improving my Facebook feed, it isn’t doing a damn thing for our attempts at world domination. Sigh.

Fine. You can send your friend requests to Nicky Eff. Just make sure you don’t match any of the points above.

I will cut you if you do.



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