Life

My (Tooth) Brush With Death – Part I

I made the appointment for seven p.m., giving me plenty of time to have something to eat first. I figured if Jesus got a last supper, then so would I. Not that I’m comparing myself to Jesus. His beard was far more impressive than mine.

jesus christ, smiling jesus, happy jesus, pointing jesus, jesus with heart robe
Also? I’m never this happy.

In any case, I ate and then I prepared myself physically and mentally for what lay ahead.

See, a couple of years ago (yes, that’s right, years), two of my fillings on two of my upper left molars fell out. So I did what any normal person would do and I pretended it didn’t happen. And I started chewing with the right side of my mouth. For two years. But a few months weeks ago, the molars on my right side started to protest. I had no choice. I had to see my dentist.

I want to make something very clear. I am NOT afraid of the dentist. My dentist is a really funny guy and an excellent dentist. I am also NOT afraid of needles. I like to whine about them, but they really don’t scare me. I’m also not afraid of pain. I’ve given birth to three children and kept all of them. I laugh in the face of pain!

dentist tools, dental mirror, dental picks, sterile instruments
Bwhahahahahaha! See? I told you so.

No, the reason I avoid going to the dentist, even for a simple cleaning, is because they put their fingers in my mouth. Yes, I am aware they wear gloves. That doesn’t console me in the slightest.

Take last night’s appointment, for example. It started with a cleaning. The dental hygienist started by putting on the rubber gloves. As she did, I began thinking “She’s touched them. They’re not sterile anymore because she touched them with her hands when she pulled them out of the box. Ok, ok. Don’t panic. She washed her hands, you saw her wash her hands. But what about the people who work at the glove-making company? They touched the gloves when they put them in the box. Did they wash their hands first? Oh, stop it! They work for a glove-making company. They were probably wearing gloves. Probably. That’s enough! People don’t actually pull the gloves off the assembly line and shove them into the boxes. It’s all automated. Yeah, sterile mechanical arms do all the work. Breathe. It’s ok.”

I start to unclench my fists. And then I think some more.

“You  do know, though, that machines aren’t infallible and they do require people to fix and maintain them. That means people touch them. And you know they didn’t wash their hands or wear gloves. And just for fun, think about all the repair men you’ve ever seen. Now think of their hands. Touching the glove-making machines. And what if the repair man had no personal hygiene habits to speak of? Why should he care if he’s dirty and smelly, since he’s just walking around a big old factory devoid of other human beings that would require him to maintain at least some semblance of propriety? Right? I bet he doesn’t even pretend to wash his hands after he uses the bathroom. And I bet his name is Joe Bob, or Billy Bob. And he walks around in his dirty overalls with a dirty handkerchief hanging out of his back pocket, except you know he doesn’t call it a handkerchief or even a hankie, no, oh no, he calls it a snotrag and he uses it to blow his nose and he doesn’t wash it and then he touches the glove-making machines!”

woman dentist, rubber glove, surgical mask, blonde woman, dental hygienist
And then the hygienist put her fingers in my mouth.

She. Put. Her. Gloved. Fingers. In. My. Mouth.

 

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  • So what’s the rule? Penis ok? Fingers not ok?

  •  No. She can’t put her penis in my mouth either.

  • I don’t blame you Nicky; you don’t know what skeevy workman with his dirty tools was working on that penis before it came to you.
     
    A good rule of thumb?  Always boil first then scrub with alcohol.  If you make that your policy you won’t have any penis problems anymore.  Ever.

  • As always, very funny.  Of course, you now have given me a something new to worry about.  I was recently taking crap from a friend about my need to swab down the grocery cart before I can comfortably push it around the store.  (she thinks I’m a nut bag)  I wonder if my dentist would have a problem, if I swab the latex glove with my Purell as well.  I would rather have Purell chemicals in my mouth than the crud of worker guy’s snotrag. 

  • This reminds me of a TV programme, where members of the audience were asked to offer up their handbags so they could be tested for germs.  One woman’s bag had particles of feces all over it! I can’t begin to tell you of how many germs were on and inside women’s handbags!

  • *gasp* She didn’t! That bitch!

  • Lindamedrano

    Was she cute at least?  I hope she was cute.  I don’t like anyone putting things in my mouth.  We only say we like it.  We don’t.

  •  I think I’m going to start calling you the Devil.

  • Thanks Cheryl! I’m sorry, but also kind of glad to share my crazy with you. It’s nice to think I won’t be the only one to think like that. And don’t feel bad, Jepeto is always “ragging” me because of my neurotic behaviors. 🙂

  •  Oh, Babs! You’re killing me!! 🙂

  • I know. I just closed my eyes and pretended she was you.

  • Just putting a bit of perspective on the germy gloves 😉

  • LOL! You’re funny. She wasn’t very cute, but she had a great personality 🙂

  • Won’t everyone be sorry about raggin on us for our germ phobic ways, when we are the last two disease free humans on the continent. Ha. We will have the last laugh behind our little paper nose/mouth protectors.

  • Oh Nicky, this is hilarious!! HILARIOUS.

    Although you’ve made me laugh probably just as much as I will be freaking out – the next time ANYONE comes near me to put Gloved. Fingers. In. My. Mouth. because all I will be able to think about is Billy Bob and his snotrag and how he didn’t wash his hands before fixing the glove making machine.

    And OMFG. Ewwwwwww……..

  • Pingback: My (Tooth) Brush With Death – Part II | We Work For Cheese()

  • And two days ago you were all “This is why I call you God”.
    Very flip-floppy, not usual for you.  Unless you’re having lady times?

  • Oh sure, laugh at my trauma! 🙂

    LOL, at least I know that because of this post, I won’t be the only one freaking out at the sight of latex gloves!

  • Very funny, Satan. I hope you get a tooth ache and have to go to the dentist and he uses gloves made on the glove-making machine that Billy Bob touched and your teeth all end up rotting and falling out of your red, horned head!

    Ok, so maybe I’m PMSing just a little bit…

  • Well that’s for sure!

  • KZ

    I got a good chuckle out of Part I.  I’m looking forward to Part II.  All of the stream of consciousness stuff is gold.  Also, that is the most sinister picture of a dental hygienist that I’ve ever seen.

  • Thanks KZ! I’m so glad my neurosis could entertain you 🙂

    As for the pic, you should have seen the real thing. *shudder*

  • Mikewj

    Surprisingly, I’m not bothered by this sort of thing. Or wasn’t, anyway. We’ll see what happens on my next visit to the dentist. Last time, I fell asleep and bit down on the hygienist’s gloved finger, prompting her to tap me on the forehead and ask me to release her.

  • You know, that’s funny, because I used to do the same thing – although, I never bit her finger when I fell asleep. The thing is, that was YEARS ago. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten crazier. I blame it on the kids.

  • Oh God! I never realized rubber gloves were harbingers of germs and snot rag residue. I’m glad I didn’t read this earlier this morning before the dentist shoved the crown into my mouth with his filthy sterile rubber gloves.

    Love your title, btw.

  • See, now you won’t even be paying attention to your dentist’s book review, will you? 🙂

    And thanks, I was kind of proud of the title myself!

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